The mother of all unexpected visits
"Can I help you ?"
"Yes. I'm here to see... wait a second... yes. Eugene Alsmith."
"Is he expecting you ?"
"No. No he isn't. In fact, this is the mother of all unexpected visits."
"One minute please."
"Do I know you ?"
"No, you don't."
"What's this about ?"
"This is about that darling Jessica of yours. Ohohoh, what happened ? Did I get your attention now ?"
"How... how do you..."
"How do I know Jessica, you mean ?"
"I know her very well. Next question."
"I had no idea you have a speech impediment. It's cute. Pretty emasculating, don't you think ? She's told me you're as beta as it gets, but she never mentioned you're too much of a cocksucker to speak clearly."
"Just shut the fuck up, you're bothering the wildlife. Here's the thing : Jessica's late. If you can call having had your last period a month and a half ago late. Also, she pees double lines now."
"I stuck a bun in her oven, dawg, what's so hard about the concept ? She's keeping it nice and warm at the moment, as she has been for at least six weeks. More, really. She's very good at it, and I have no doubt that before the year is out you're going to be a father. Are you getting a promotion by then ?"
"Obviously, you'll have to marry her. You understand that, don't you ? And besides, child rearing is expensive. Now that she's started in the family way she's not going to stop, you realise."
"Yes... yes I..."
"Alright, now walk me to my car, I have something for you."
"I have to say..."
"You have to say what I tell you to say. Here. This is the tool that got your baby girl all coming like a madwoman, and all knocked up. What do you think ?"
"Say it's fucking beautiful, cocksucker."
"It's... it's... it's beautiful."
"What do you like about it ?"
"What the fuck do you like about this beautiful tool, you inarticulate shithead."
"The... the... that... that it... that... thick."
"Oh yeah ? That it's thick ? So does her. Now kiss it."
"Kiss the fucking tool that you and your Jessica both like. Kiss it better motherfucker, who kisses like that. Pull it back, like that yeah, and take the head between your lips. There you go. Now do it again. See ? It grows on you."
"Don't take it out of your mouth if I don't tell you to, cocksucker. Keep kissing it all over. Yeah. That's good. Now kiss it with the back of your throat. Yeah, like that. Harder. Put your hands behind your head and push it down hard. Yeah. Harder. Back and forth. There you go. Back and forth. That's right. That's a good cocksucker. Now kiss it and rub it all over your mug. I want you to walk back up there with a proper fuckface, you hear me ?"
"Say thank you for getting Jessica pregnant as you're kissing it."
"Yes sir. Thank you... for... getting... Jessica... pregnant... Thank you... for... fucking Jessica... thank you... for... getting...her..."
"That's good. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Don't you look pretty ?"
"Should I go now ?"
"No, not yet. Take your pants off."
"No, really, it's ok."
"Around your ankles, bitch!"
"Your boxers too. What the fuck is this, daytime TV ? Ahahaha what the fuck is that..."
"It's my pecker, sir."
"Not much to be said for it, is there ?"
"You know, you should probably call me sire. I am after all the one with the working tool, as Jessica's ass can attest."
"Look in the glove box, there's a little something for you."
"Do you know what it is ?"
"Put it on. There you go. Don't you look great in that thing!"
"Very fitting, sire."
"Alright, get the fuck out of here."
"And go straight from home at 5, no dilly-dallying in bars or anything of the sort. You've got serious responsibilities now, and besides, Jessica's got some new rules for you and whatnot, help you settle down in your new life role."