You know how Jesus ended up kinda blond and faggoty-looking by the time the Irish got their grubby potato-paws on him ? I mean,
nigger slave from twenty centuries ago Africa, but still, every goat thinks its Jesus a goat of the same age, sex and coloration, what can you do.
In keeping with the basic mental functioning of the faithful these days Jesus gotta thus be a
faggoty metrosexual type made of firmly held personal convictions and awkward, hesitating procedural approaches. But still, being Jesus he's not the kind to JOI, not a camsite token to his name, he just...
As his Christmas dayi was fast approaching, the apostles got together and took him to a bordello. "Don't worry, we'll tell you what to do and everything" they said on the ride over. Half hour later a naked young woman was busting down the door, screaming, flailing her arms and pulling her own hair.
"What the hell happened in there ?!"
"I did like you told me! She started taking her clothes off, I started taking my clothes off."
"She sat on the bed, I sat down on the bed too. She put her tongue in my mouth, I put my tongue in her mouth. But then, when she showed me that horrible wound she had between her legs... I healed it for her."
Few know this, but the hunchback god originally had sent two men to the garden of Eden. They wandered a while thereabouts, until they grew bored enough to actually read the documentation for the place. Much to their surprise they thus found that Sophia had designed the thing for a man and a woman, not two men. They half-heartedly set up a conference call with the demi-urge and inquired about the matter.
Realising the beginner coding error he'd made, the hunchback poser asked the two who wants to be the woman ? Obviously neither did, so the tard came up with a typically brilliant solution : "Ok," he said in a booming voice, his halitosis good enough to wilt the bushes for miles around, "I'll hide your penii. The one who finds it first gets to be the man."
One guy found it half an hour later. The other one's still looking for his.
In a parallel universe, where Jesus was a student (living with his parents, long hair, bad friends, and if he did a spot of work it was a miracle) his college room-mate, seeing him crucified, called 911 and then rushed over through the crowd to remove his buddy off the cross.
In that parallel universe the traditional Easter greeting's a cartwheel followed by yelling "First the feet, motherfucker!"
Jesus was playing golf with the dove. On the first hole, Jesus drives the ball with a putt such that it goes around the turn and lands an inch from the hole. Suddenly a birdie comes from the sky and grabs the ball. An eagle falls down on the birdie and catches it. An albatross pecks the ball from the dying birdie's grasp just as a boogey scares it away. The dove puts its arms on its hips : "Go fish, you fucking cheater!"
When god stole Adam's rib and fashioned woman, he also gave everlasting proof that nothing good or lasting's ever built on theft.
"What did you do today ?"
"Nothing much... ate some fruit for breakfast..."
"The forbidden fruit y compris ?"
"And then ?"
"Pegged that bitch everywhich way all day long."
"Where's she now ?"
"At the river, she said she had to wash or something, whatever that is."
"Oh for fuck's sake. All the fish is going to smell that way now."
Joe Biden's 2nd lateral cousin from Pescara comes up with a novel species of genetically-engineered pigcowchicken of record-smashing productivity, efficiency &c. Clara das Neves orders the building of a super-compound for the commercial exploitation of this scientific advance with a view to alleviating the constant food shortages in The Richest Country In The World.
Nothing is actually built, but the bureaucrats in charge report (virtually) a virtual first : a government project completed on time and within budget. The reports keep flowing in, each more brightly shining than the next (at an average increase rate of about 6% the first year, then 7.8% the year after that, and so ongoing 11% the third year etcetera). As no food is actually being delivered at any juncture however, the fascists, racists and other enemies of the people band together and organize an inspection of the alleged facility. The bureaucrats secretly redirect some men and materials from the army's corps of engineering, transport two boatloads of dongs freshly arrived from China somewhere in the New Mexico wilds, and blow up the pile.
As the government Pravda is calling for exemplary justice be visited upon the fascists, racists and other enemies of the people that blew up the people's facility for famine control, dongs are raining all over. One of them ends up in heaven. Santa Girolama picks it up, caresses it warmly, kisses it lovingly and runs off to Mary.
"Holy Mother blessed be the fruit of thy womb and you among &c, what is this ? I just stumbled on it, I've never seen anything like it before. What could it be ?"
The "virgin" gives it a good look, weighs it in her hand, then very pensively "It rather feels like the Holy Ghost."
Jesus comes back to life after having been crucified. The audience is very much impressed, everyone's clapping, whistling and yelling for an encore. Jesus, taken by the energy of the crowd, goes through his stock in trade once more : produces some fishes and turns bread to wine, touches whores and lepers, the works. Towards the end he walks off a pier into the water. Unexpectedly he sinks and drowns. The audience lets out a disappointed gasp. A fan mutters shaking his head "Well... he still did pretty good considering the holes in his feet..."
Democracy was born when god made Eve and said unto Adam : "Choose yourself a wife!"
Jesus was idly walking about Nazareth like any other vagabond, when he came across a group of people preparing to stone some dude to death. Simply to be contrarian, Jesus ran in front of the target and yelled out "Whoever's without blemish, let him cast the first stone".
A contundent clump flies unerringly and lands on his forehead. Jesus falls to his knees and grunts "God damn it! You're really busting my balls, mom!"
The rebbeh of Haifah was a real golf maniac. One time he couldn't play for a whole week because of inclement weather. He prayed every day for relief, growing ever more desperate, until finally the sky cleared... Saturday morning. The poor rebbeh was besides himself, but eventually decided to sneak a few holes off anyway, secretly. Who's gonna see ?
His deceased father, the previous rebbeh, spotted him and reported the matter to the allmighty, begging for punishment fitting the crime. God assured him it'll be done ; then the rebbeh hit a hole in one.
"What kind of punishment is that ?!"
"Think about it : the best stroke of his life, and he can't tell anyone about it."
A muslim dies, so he shows up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter nods at him. The muslim is very much taken aback, but gathering all his courage eventually dares to importune him : "Excuse me your excellency, but... I am a muslim."
"Yes, I know that. Would you like a cup of coffee ? Or maybe some tea ?"
"I... I could use a cup of coffee thank you very much. And... could I see the Prophet, Mohammed ?"
"Sure. Hang on just a minute." then turning and yelling "Hey, Mohammed! Coffee! And hurry up!"
- You know, the day they sacrifice the scapegoats. [↩]