At the grocery store checkout some guy asks for a pack of cigarettes. The seventeen year old stuck there until she manages to get enough scratch together to run off to San Fernando Valley hands him a package. On it, in thick lettering, "Smoking causes impotence".
The guy looks it over, looks her over, then "Don't you have any with cancer instead ?"
If you pick a starving dog off a back alley somewhere, feed it and play with it -- that dog will never bite you.
A dog, though.
The first time, we all died in 2000.
Because Microsoft Windows was written by the morons working for Microsoft, their notion of "a year" was limited to two decimal digits, starting in 1900. Good enough for a toy computer intended for the average American.
Everyone else's computers worked on a 32 digit binary number counting seconds since 1960 up to a maximum of 4`294`967`296 that covered the stretch of time to the year 2300. That "everyone else" included at that time all computers involved in any capacity with anything worth the mention whatsoever.
Nevertheless, as all the morons ever ran Windows and nothing else (government work at the time consisting of playing Solitaire on Windows 3.1 per act of congress), "computers" were going to become self-aware, revolt against their meaty overlords, and killerize them en masse. The only hope was, irony of ironies, a robot from the future shaped like a governor of California from the future, sent by the human resistance to save the careerwomen from their own idiotic selves.
The fucktards actually believed "computers" (meaning, other than the broken crap they smeared their shit over) will blow up, leading to chaos and anarchy. People actually in charge of computing, who actually understood anything about the matter tried to tell the fucktards their "theory" is so much nonsense based in very crude generalisations of very narrow, superficial misunderstandings of the situation of fact. In spite of this, the "international press" and its shit-eating "journalists" twitched like a headless chicken, instigating the stupid class to panic. The idiots turned off everything looking like a computer for a few days around that New Year's.
Then we all died in 2001, killed by mad cows. Billiards of schizo cows, antisocial and with authority figure problems, trod the world's governments under hoof, fenced us humans in concentration camps and used our bodies in gruesome rituals of their own devising, to do with the meat and milk. Practically the only way to get K-J from a mad cow is through eating its entire brain raw, something nobody ever did in the past century ; and even then the odds of a successful infection are about as high as the odds of a hottie showing up on a blind date.
Really, crushing one's skull and rubbing mad cow brain directly against the exposed membranes increased the odds somewhat, though even that not by so very much. But nevertheless, were in fact everyone to actually do that, it might've been the case there'd have been some human casualties from mad cow disease -- 1% of 1% of the human casualties from fulminant amateur cranial trepanation, but be that as it may. The peril was great indeed, and the scatologists in "the international press" struggled like a ballsack in an empty bucket, instigating panic among the imbeciles. Those imbeciles quit eating beef for a half year.
Then we all kicked the bucket (with our ballsac in it) over SARS, back in 2003.
This was an epidemic started with the small yellow folk, which flattened us all instantly. We didn't really stand a chance. Blood gushed from all orrifices. You'd become infected if you vaguely perceived on the horizon someone infected. In fact, the horrible disease didn't even give you the chance to perceive him on the horizon : by the time you realised you might've noticed something, you were long dead.
SARS was glorified pneumonia. Sure, pneumonia can kill, but claiming "the SARS did it" after pneumonia killed is a lot like going around retirement homes, waiting for old fucks to die, lifting their skirts to see if they have red underwear on and if they do, yell out "AHA! RED UNDERWEAR KILLS!!!". Spend enough time doing this, there'll be "documentary evidence" even, and "who can argue with science" etcetera.
Nevertheless the human cattle of the Orient went about wearing masks for the same reasons they do all the dumb shit they do : trying to fit in through copying others, which is why they're stuck copying everything we do and nobody in the past three hundred years ever heard of such a wonder as "copying Asian technology". What Asian technology ?
In practical terms SARS was treatable exactly like any other flu : aspirin worked, taking a nap worked, alcohol rubs, garlic paste... everything works against the flu. Survival rates were over 90%, which doesn't mean that anyone laughing at this had 10% chances to die. No. A healthy, wealthy human has 0% chance of dying. Maybe some paid sick leave, at the worst of the worst of outcomes. However, some 97 yo troglodyte, living in dirt and cold, could readily die "of SARS". He'd have died of a knee inflamation just as well.
700 people died in total of "SARS" in the entire world, in its entire history. The fecalophiles in "international journalism" struggled like boogers between teeth, to the point billions of people walked about with their underwear on their head, and the fishwrappers printed nothing besides panicked reports of the great epidemic. The imbeciles stayed out of Asia that whole year.
Then we died again in 2007, this time of Avian Flu. Legions of birds fell from the skies, infected, exploding like metallic Sodium grenades, on contact. The planet was left empty and full of craters like an acneic careerwoman at a party, or like the Moon. We were irredeemably cide-ided. A total of 500 people died of the damned thing. You can't get it eating cooked bird. The meat has to be raw, and even then it's practically impossible. Technically speaking, the best chance is by industrially blending an infected chicken and snorting the resulting paste, though even then the probable success rate falls well under one percent. The five hundred were without exception poor fucks living in chicken coops and picking their noses with spit-hardened chicken shit.
Even then, if treated to any degree they'd survive, exactly like with SARS. But, predictably, the shit-eaters of "international news media" bugged their eyes apocalyptically, struggling like stomped frogs and frothing yellowish at the mouth over the famous avian flu. Nothing came of it, obviously, but the imbeciles stuck to watermelon and avoided chicken that whole year. More people died choking on cock than croaked of these imaginary diseases. More people shot themselves accidentally in the eyelid since you've been reading this scientific report than died of purely theoretic, "you can't say it's not a real disease" laboratory fare.
Then came the pigs' turn. What the hell, the cows and chickens wanted their revenge. Like all other diseases borne entire of the fact that old women watch TV so the TV starts sounding like the inside of the skull of an old woman, whatever pigs got has an infinitesimal chance of contagion. You'd have to French-kiss infected pig asshole. Thirty filthy Mexicans died of it, after living with the pigs in the pigs' sty for years. Nevertheless, the imbeciles got really panicked, because hey, it's on TV. A lot of facetious fuckwads are taking five minutes of their daily lives to talk very concernedly about "the disease" to a camera, thus it must be so!
Who knows what the future will bring! Though, judging on past experience, on the strength of rating-desperate media and a general public ever more abruti, it'll probably be some imaginary disease of no actual substance that the imbeciles over-react to the point of incurring actual harm. Maybe everyone will have to jump off a bridge to stave off the hamsters from space, or whatever else different-similar nonsense weird cults have been promulgating ever since the economics of weird cults forced them to, which is to say forever.
A well dressed gent stands on Wall Street, towards the Battery, smoking. A preppy kid hits on him : "Hi, I'm with the New York Times. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions ?"
"Sure, why not. Go ahead, I'm not in any hurry."
"I see you smoke. How long have you been smoking ?"
"Twenty-some years, since I was sixteen."
"And how much do you smoke ?"
"A pack a day, maybe two..."
"But do you realise with the money you've spent on cigarettes so far you could have bought that building behind you ?"
The man is surprised by the sudden turn of the line of inquiry. He turns around, takes in the substantial construction behind as far as such was possible from his vantage, then turns back to the New York Times runt and asks,
"Do you smoke yourself ?"
"Oh no I don't."
"Do you own a sky scraper anywhere in Manhattan ?"
"I... No. Not yet!" offers the prepster.
"Well sonny... it just so happens this building's actually mine, you see." offers the gent, taking the last puff and crushing the butt underfoot as he turns away.
This true story is bought to you by the circumstance that while fact checking and The New York Times parted ways a long ways ago, crowd-sourced coherence is a poor substitute for truth.
Whenever on a river bank a dressed maid milks an undressed cow, the water's trickery reflects the situation au rebours : within the wave's false report dressed cows've been milking naked maids since dawn of time.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and announces "Doctor, I'm sexually unbalanced."
"Would you like me to offer my own diagnosis or are you satisfied with yours ?"
"By all means."
"What are the symptoms ?"
"When I get hard I fall over."
A guy surprised by the girl showing up on a blind date goes right to the point : "How much do you weigh ?"
"Oh, that's a secret."
"How about just the last three digits ?"
A bunch of people flattering themselves with the label of being some guy's friends & family decide to throw an intervention for his benefit (as they construe it), something to do with how threatened they are by whatever it was the guy was doing, fucking a schoolgirl maybe, or something to do with sugar or liquour or having too good a time too obviously in any case. Just as he's about to start kicking them out the phone rings. He answers, then turns to the gathering : "It was the fire department. Apparently the house of one of you tiresome fucks is on fire, but I didn't quite catch which one."
A guy from Indiana goes to church regularly, and confesses his sins periodically. One time he whispers to the pastor that he's sinned.
"Tell me, son."
"Well father... at the New Year's party with the coworkers... this new girl whispered to me she wants to do it."
"And did you ?"
"Oh no, father. I didn't do it. On one hand a voice in my head was saying 'go for it, just look at her, when is an opportunity like this ever going to present itself' ; but the other voice reminded me of my wife and children and the life of the church and so... I didn't do it with her."
"What is your sin then ?"
"Father... I sinned in the mind."
"Oh. Oh I see. Yes, that's very serious indeed. You're to go home and for the rest of your life drink three gallons of water each day."
"Why so much water, father ?"
"Because that's how much oxen drink."
A guy from Indiana has to go to New York on business. On the New Jersey turnpike he spots a prostitute on the side of the road. He pulls over by her, and once she assumes the position he inquires "Do you know you're on the wrong road ?"
"I kinda figured... you're the first guy that stopped all day long."
A guy from Boistown walks into a pharmacy on the East Side.
"I... you know, I'm gay."
"Good for you, but really, we don't care."
"No, you see... my wif... my wuff... my other guy died."
"Oh. Sorry to hear that. What can we do for you ?"
"Well... after the cremation... here's the urn with his ashes."
"Could you make them into suppositories ?"
A retired Army vet whose absurdly fat wife had made him an absurdly fat kid kept trying to rectify the junior by taking him to various sports, or at least outdoor activities. Nothing worked out ; eventually the desperate father and the hungry son are out on a boat, setting up to spend the day fishing.
"Son, pass me the bread."
"There's none left. I ate it."
"Pass me the polenta."
"There's none left of that, either."
"God damn it. Alright, eat the worms too and let's get back home."
An out of town dude at a local family-owned eatery.
"I didn't ask for the check ?"
"Yes ; but you did ask for the mushrooms."
By the subway entrance towards Grand Central an old Argentine woman sits selling pre-packaged treats for five dollars a pop. A young man goes by every day, and every day drops five dollars in her lap, all the while never picking any treats. One day she tries to grab him and talk to him. He moves past her, throwing a "What, you want to ask me why I don't pick anything ?" behind as he goes by.
"No, I just wanted to let you know it's gone up to seven dollars this morning."
The Mother Superior catches a very tired, raggadly man who was desperately trying to jump over the monastery fence.
"What are you doing here, you shameless man!"
"I was trying to steal food, but the sisters caught me."
"When was this ?!"
"Six weeks ago."
A little boy went to a tree, unbuttoned his pants and started talking a leak. A beat cop walked up behind him and said "Don't ever do that again, or else I'll cut your wee-wee off!"
The little boy ran away in a panic, only stopping a dozen streets over, where he saw a little girl about his age, kneeling in front of a tree and taking a leak. "Good god, that pig was not kidding!"
A guy takes a girl out, first to dinner, then to a movie, then to a few drinks, then to see the stars... she's a middle class princess so nothing works out. Eventually he takes her home about dawn. At the door he props himself on the wall and goes to town on persuasion, as he'd read on the various forums. The girl's not budging an inch, but eventually the door opens. The girl's father, half-asleep, mumbles "My wife says she'll give you a blowjob, or you can fuck the Mexican maid when she comes in a coupla hours, or I can give you a handjob myself if you want. Just, take that elbow off the god damned doorbell already!"
"Doctor, I'm losing my hair. What can I do to keep it ?"
"Have you tried putting it in an envelope ?"
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Please do not panic. The airplane is going down into the Ocean. As the waters here are full of sharks, the stewardesses will be passing out a special repellent balm. Please rub the balm on all parts of your body before putting the life vests on. Thank you."
A concerned passenger inquires with the closest stewardess : "Does the balm make the sharks not eat us ?"
"No, they'll still eat you. But you won't taste as good."
The sentinel in a Wild West fort raises the alarm : "Cap'n! Injuns!"
"Friends or foes ?"
"Friends I think... I mean, they're coming together..."
As the airplane was halfway to Honolulu, the comm system beeped. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. If you would but look out the starboard windows, you'd see both engines in flames. If however you'd look the other way, you'd see both the other engines in flames. And if you look really really carefully at that island down below, you'll see some people waving. That'd be me, the 2nd and the cabin crew. This has been a recording. Beeeep."
At an Italian resort, Italians trying to pretend they're waiters interact with Germans trying to pretend they're tourists -- just like they've all seen on American TV.
"Due Martini, bitte!"
"I need a box of thumb tacks."
"A fistful of confetti, one viagra pill, half minute in the blender."
A cannibal goes hunting for human flesh. After a lenghty absence he returns, carrying a large urn. Everyone's trying their best to hide their disappointment. "What the hell is this ?"
"A new invention. It's called instant. Just add water."
A guy in a funny hat is being interviewed on TV.
"So Mr. President... are there still cannibals left in your country ?"
"Oh no. We ate the last one long ago."
A cannibal and his son, gone hunting, came across an Afrikaaner slut bathing naked in a river. The son's drooling, "Daddy, daddy, she looks delicious. How do we eat her ?"
"We don't, dumbass. We take her home, and we eat your mother."
A guy who thinks he's a cannibal goes to the psychiatrist. Upon his return his concerned wife inquires "How was the psychiatrist ?"
Upon return from business trip,
"Honey, what if I told you that while you were away I made love to your best friend ?"
"I always hoped you'd turn out bisexual."
A cannibal couldn't sleep, kept tossing and turning in bed. Eventually he wakes up his wife with his squirming.
"What's the matter with you ?"
"I can't sleep. All these thoughts come to bother and disturb me, like why am I here on Earth ? What is the point of life ? What have I done useful in this world ? How could I best live out the life that's left to me ?"
"I told you to not eat that shank of intellectual!"
A new witch doctor is sent by the central witch doctor school to an obscure cannibal village to bring the light of the newest advances of science to the needy. His first case is a man with heartburn. The witch doctor prescribes one fireman a week. His second case is a woman with anemia. The witch doctor prescribes squaw shank. The third case is impotence. The witch doctor prescribes old German tourist, male, travelling alone, to be consumed right before a promised meeting with a village girl.
A schoolgirl goes to the drug store.
"Hi. What can I get you ?"
"Do you have really really large condoms ?"
"Ugh... Yes, I guess so. Would you like to buy some ?"
"No, but... is it ok if I wait here until somebody does ?"
A schoolgirl has to face the music. "Mom... I think I might be pregnant."
"Whaaat ?! Where was your head!"
"In the glove compartment practically."
A reasonably inebriated barfly is whining in the general direction of some dork in a leisure suit seated nearby. "You men don't even know how hard we women have it. Tonight maybe I'm in the arms of my husband, tomorrow maybe in the arms of the Almighty..."
"Are you free the day after tomorrow ?"
After imbibing enough alcohol men become over-emotional, drive poorly, speak just to hear the sound of their own voice, argue over nothing etcetera. Women on the other hand don't really need alcohol to manage all that.
The first time they took her to Washington, Condolezza Rice (the hotel maid famous for perjuring herself in politically motivated but otherwise groundless proceedings against the IMF managing director intended to ensure a different, less qualified and therefore more palatable candidate got the job) found herself trapped against her will in the hotel room!
She called a bunch of cannibals back in her ancestral village for help, and even posted on reddit looking for a solution. Her problem was that the room had only three doors : one lead to the bathroom, the other to the closet, and the third had a "do not disturb" notice on the knob. After the hotel manager in charge of
retards democrat politicians came to her rescue, she concluded with relief that no one could have foreseen the use of a door as an exit.
A girl busts into the gynecologist's office. "I don't mean to bother you Doc, but... didn't you find a pair of bikinis ? I was here earlier and..."
"Sorry to say, miss, but no."
"I must've left them at the dentist..."
"Why are women convergent ?"
"Say what ?"
"Because they're monotonous and limited."
"But what gets wet without need of rain, bleeds without being hurt, gives milk without eating grass, speaks without having a topic and spends money it didn't earn ?"
"A... woman ?"
"Yes! But what's the opposite of a woman ?"
"Is that a fact."
"Yes! Because the mirror reflects without speaking while woman speaks without reflecting."
"Where do you get this stuff ?"
"It's in all the good books!"
"Yes, well... they've kinda stopped updating those."
"Still, a woman can't be smart and beautiful at the same time, because then she'd be a man."
"And also, do you know when a woman can help you become a millionaire ? When you're a billionaire. Hahaha!"
A young Jew decides to come out of the closet. Faithful to the principle of attacking the largest obstacle first, he sits his Jewish Mother down, and, circumvectur amore, more or less explains the matter. She's not much surprised, but does conduct a line of inquiry nevertheless.
"Are you telling me you suck the dongs of men, the same ones they stick in assholes ?"
"Uhh... I... I suppose."
"I don't want to hear any more comments about my cooking."
"Daddy, daddy! What's a transvestite ?"
"Ask Mom, he knows."
An old man shows up at the immigration office.
"What makes you want to leave your home at such an advanced age ?"
"It's because of homosexuality."
"How do you mean ?"
"When I was a kid it was a hanging offence. Then they stopped hanging them, and instead locked them up in special leper colonies. Then they started locking them up with the general population. Eventually they stopped locking them up at all, and nowadays it's even legal for homosexuals to get married."
"So I'd like to get the fuck out of here before it becomes mandatory."
A nun hails a cab. The whole ride the cab driver keeps eyeing her in the rear-view mirror. Eventually she asks what's the matter ? The cab driver's a little shy, but she coaxes him with assurances that she's seen and heard it all.
"Well... I have this fantasy, always have. Ever since I was a little kid I dreamed of fucking a nun."
"Oh, my son. Are you married ?"
"But are you a Catholic ?"
"Yes I am."
"I have to remain a virgin though. We'd have to do it the other way."
"That's no problem!"
They pull over, and the cab driver fucks the nun like he'd never seen nun ass before. Then they get back on the road. After a few miles, the cab driver starts crying.
"What's the matter now ?"
"Oh Holy Mother, my sins burden my soul. I lied to you. I'm married, and I'm Jewish."
"Don't worry about it. I'm John, and this is my Halloween costume."
Babydoll is being babysat. The babysitter's this awkward boy fresh out of highschool. He has no experience, but Babydoll's to the rescue : "Let's play hide and seek."
"How does that go ?"
"I hide and you seek. If you find me, you're ok to sock it in me. If you don't find me, then I'm in the closet."
"Why do you think your room mate might be gay ?"
"His penis tastes like shit."
"Is it worse to be gay or black ?"
"Gay, definitely. Black kids don't have to tell their parents."
A bored housewife hears her husband's pick-up truck pulling into the driveway.
"Oh my god, he's back early. Quick. Quick! Out the window! Hurry up!!"
"What the hell ?"
"It's my husband. He's back early. Please. Hurry!"
"God damned it, don't you see how it's raining ?"
"You don't understand, he's back early from hunting. If he finds you here like this he'll shoot both of us."
The poor guy, taking her excitement seriously, jumps out the window. He finds himself on a suburban street, in the middle of pouring rain, buck naked. He looks up and down, trying to figure out what to do next, when a large group turns the corner. It's a marathon! For lack of a better idea he takes to running with them. A few kids playing reporter for the local newspaper crowd around him.
"Do you always run in the nude, like this ?"
"Oh, yes, always. It gives me a great sense of freedom and..."
"But holding your clothes in your arms, too ?"
"Sure, I always park right next to the finish line. Once I'm done I dress and go home."
"And with a condom on always as well ?"
"Ah, no. No, the condom only when it rains."
On a nudist beach, a middle aged dude in a beige short sleeved shirt with teal square patterns and a tie is taking pictures. A woman comes up to him at an excited trot, flailing her arms. "Quick, come quick, Mom's drowning!"
"Sorry honey, I just finished all the film."
A young wife, going through the park with a stroller, runs into her highschool bff. "Oh wow, what a beautiful child! And it looks just like your husband!"
"Are you serious ?"
"But we don't have any children yet."
"This is the next door neighbour's baby boy. She asked me to take care of him today."
The young wife, pretty damn well pissed off, stomps all the way back home, returns the kid, then goes out, buys a revolver and shoots her husband dead once he shows up. Then she tells the police someone broke in. They believe her ; at the funeral, the neighbour, standing right next to her, is crying her eyes out.
"Eh, lay off. I'm sure I'll re-marry."