Romania's a dumb slut! Long live Pharmacy! My fuckstick!

What follows below is a translation of a Romanian article (Romania e o pizda proasta! Farmacie, sa traiasca… Pula!) published in 2007 on the mysterious if meanwhile abandoned blog of one Nicolae Balcescu.

The identity of the author is altogether suspect. Plainly, the name is best known for a 19th century revolutionary bearing it, who formerly graced Romania's largest monetary denomination (and for a lengthy interval, 1952 - 1989). Given the general atmosphere and lyrical interests of the author, this isn't unlike a 1952 gangster's blog supposedly authored by "Benjamin Franklin". Yes, it's altogether not impossible a woman named whatever met a man named Whatever Franklin and at some point they decided to name their son Benjamin after his maternal granduncle or whatever. Nevertheless... ⁱ

The author conceits being about twenty. To me he always read like a well accomplished, cultured man in his fifties, using much in the manner of Trilema deceitful simplicity to clothe abyssal truth otherwise entirely and by a very fat margin inaccessbile to the herd. In short, I recognize in this "Nicolae Balcescu" a frank equalⁱⁱ, if I entirely despise his politics.ⁱⁱⁱ

To add amusement to the pile, it was observed by the eagle eye of one Trilema commenter^iv (and on the basis of data publised by Trilema as part of a different discussion^v) that the kid may well exist as such.

Be all that as it may, the text is insanely difficult to translate, partly because it deploys with a master's hand the Romanian tradition of мат, partly because English is a sort of Python 3 these days (in the sense of having entirely lost any sort of contact with any kind of lived life, to dedicate itself entirely to dreams and aspirations of life). To illustrate the problems, let us merely consider the title. In the original it read :

Romania e o pizda proasta! Farmacie, sa traiasca… Pula!

Romania is clearly enough denoting the country. Not the state ; and not the population. Clear enough yet ?

Proasta means stupid now, but historically meant poor quality, mean (in the original sense, "of mean extraction"). In the slang he abundantly uses however it means just about "attached woman", ie, no longer a virgin and no longer free. If you went around saying "the dumbass" about every attached girl you see, including in discussions with her attachment etcetera, you'd be living on the same edge this dude lives on, over there between Viilor and Trafic Greu (now Progresul, ofcoars^vi.)

Pizda, contrary to what you'd expect on etymological basis, is not a derrogatory. Yes it means "cunt" in Romanian, but in denotative usage it simply makes known the user's belief that the woman in question is healthy^vii and functional.

So then, what do we make of this, "Romania is a huswife" ? Not much of a translation is it ? Then "Pharmacy" is the name of his friend, and then Pula! is not Cock! nor Dick! because both these castrated constructions mostly serve to apologize to women, to "womansplain" as they'd cheekily put it. No, Fuckstick no less, the Pula! there is that thing you worship while you live and eventually die by, not some sort of wee-wee or pee-pee. It is a tool of aggression, and the only reason it's not aggressing you up the butt and to death right now is because you spend every waking hour pandering to it, so much so that it paternally allows you to continue to exist in your current shape rather than split in two or more halves. Truth.

I come in and I go "Pharmacy! They're gonna put up a Christmas tree as big as my dick over at Unirea, what the splooge do we do ballsac, what the splo oge do we do ?" The man lifts his finger on a punkish background and smiles like a cocksucking pedophile.

The most important tree in dick's world, Saturday, in the cunt of Bucharest, on this dude's birthday! Me, Pharmacy, Cheche and 1000^viii somewhere on a street around Saint Spiridon church my cock, throwing clothes in the car, tinsel boas^ix around the neck, bare dick and ass, with hats of Santa Splooge, drunk like dicks, ready to go into the crowd, to celebrate their Romania.^x

There was a penal^xi moment at the car, when Pharmacy took off his underwear and he had a shit line over there, dry shit with pubes attached, but what the shit would you ask for ? The man was drunk since noon, so what my dick pretensions can you fuck him with. Huh ?

We ran a little through the crowd like madmen^xii and we figured we'd better go in deep, like, where it's warm. Loads of world^xiii, full of cocksuckers may you fuck your parents^xiv, revolution my god, revolution! Pharmacy was rubbing his cock on all the small children^xv, he'd pile on and whenever he'd get his hands on some small dickler, hap cock on forehead and he'd yell loudly "May you grow big!"^xvi We'd tap people on the shoulder and yell "It stains!" Some^xvii'd make room, some'd laugh, some'd push, fried splooge^xviii, we ran around there until we couldn't stand, we went back to the car and had a cig.

On goes some woman with two girlies, like two lassies, 17, 18 years old, ballsack, cuntish^xix ; when we saw them we chased them until the devils took 'em^xx in front of the church. Yes, yes, yes! It's forgiven because we were drunk and they cunt.^xxi

The Christmas tree sucks dicks, it's just a scaffolding and romanians are dumb, fuck this country. There were more there to check out the cunt's tree than to vote. But what the fuck am I on about, let's get back...

We went home and got there around 9^xxii, cocksucking traffic fuck your mother's dead ancestors^xxiii, anger and chaos in the Dacia, red win and cigarettes heavy duty^xxiv. Sandy was hitting the steering wheel like a poker machine^xxv, my dick. At home what do you expect, the fucking had started, Pharmacy's sister was wasted and already fucked, with some dude with a face of a fast food worker^xxvi around the neck ; the whole filth of punks^xxvii in the kitchen, because this dude only has weirdo terribilist^xxviii mates may I fuck your women in the ass to fuck them and we piled up on the fridge. We killed it and sucked all the alcohool, to get one up on those, enmitously.

There was drinking and puking on the comforter left from grandmother Daniela, they shat down the garbage chute [why the splooge I have no idea, it's neither amusing nor explicable^xxix, filthy punkers], there was a broken chandelier crystal and there was more drinking.

I go out to make a call around 1; Madleine!^xxx Yeah, she answers, she was supposedly in the bed sleeping cunt-in-cock^xxxi what call her over to the partay ? Ah, I stuck my cock in her sleep, hung up and called up the first cunt that'd fuck me! Adriana. Plain and to the point: "Chicky, I'm at a party, I drank and I feel like fucking, I promise a scandal if you're not coming! Please. I'll owe ya..." She laughs, I laugh,^xxxii haha my dick. "Seriously, chicky, you comin' ?" and the cunt announces herself 30 minutes later, downstairs. Bang!

I go back in, Pharmacy dressed up in his mother's wedding dress^xxxiii with a beer bottle in his hands, and all those swarming around him. A chick's eyeing me strange. I invite her to a drink in the kitchen. Bla bla bla, the woman drunk, I drunker, she tells me she's got an earring in the tongue^xxxiv and demonstrates with a smooch^xxxv all drooly^xxxvi with a lot of spit, uprooted my dick. But fuck this, the other one was coming and I couldn't very well stick it in this one, plus she didn't seem to open the cunt, just the mouth and splooge, so no deal. I say "I'm going to the bathroom" and run off to the livingroom. 1000 was dancing with that arlechin of a bride, Sandy was talking out the window with the boys^xxxvii over a drink and Cheche with some chick on the couch. The pankers were yelling, drinking, yelling, moving, yelling, whoa did I feel like fucking them in the mouth a little.^xxxviii

That little punker's name was Cris, like from Cristina. What does she do, she pulls my hat off my head and repairs to the bedroom. "Woman, let me be with this stuff, gimme my hat I dun feel like it". The cunt, nothing. I went into the bedroom, she was splayed out like a woman^xxxix on the bed like "Come here!" I said to not be a faggot "Woman, mind you're laying in that dude's puke, you don't feel it what the fuck!" I take my hat and leave.

Adriana downstairs: "What are you doing yo? [smile]" "I'm drunk, you ?" [smile] And we go into the elevator ; the elevator having no doors you gotta hold the two buttons upside depressed with your fingers.^xl and so I was with my back to her rambling whatever when she sticks her hand in my package nicely and squeezes my balls lightly. I drop the contacts shit, turn to her and the dance begins in my cock of a little whore this one is, oh my god how she fucks. Like a devil, like a devil, when she turns that ass and lifts it slowly and says "Fuck me Nico!" it's an end to tricklery.^xli

I took the cunt nicely and fucked her cheek in the elevator mirror to the point she blurred it and filled it with drool like a jerk.^xlii I lifted her skirt nicely, the stockings and panties off, exposing her warm and wet cunt like a newborn's mouth.^xliii I took her nipples in my mouth a little while drawing fingers through her cunt and asshole, a few light licks on the shoulders and ass up. I love fucking this one from behind, she screams like you're beating her. And the cock slides in so nicely and she was panting and some shwarma, with garlic was trying to come back up my throat, no matter, I was in that cunt like in Paradise.

I shook the whore in the elevator as long as I could, I scratched her butt, I covered her back in spittle panting, and when I was done I pulled her to her knees in front of me from force of habit, to give her teh Malachi.^xliv She took it nicely, down it went, jap. My knees were buckling like your mother on payday.

Anyway, well earned fuck. We went upstairs. I vaguely recall it being 2 last I saw the time, because I drank and lost myself in those three rooms and I have no cum of an idea what happened. I heard we licked each other with that Cris chick, and Adriana saw me and left [da fuck, she's got her pride! no ?], I washed my face with some dude's puke from the sink, I broke I dunno what in the display case. Shit. The only certain element is that we took the birthday cake with 1000 to fuck up Pharmacy and we missed him so it went on the floor and some punker ate it. That's about all, I woke up at Teo's^xlv changed and washed, with lipstick on my forehead, tucked in, my cock. She left a note, "Come around 4 that's when I get home from work and I want to talk". And yes, I've keys to her place.

I don't know.

In the end, fuck punks, fuck tree, fuck drunken revelry like this and vomit on face, fuck Adriana, and what a fuck! Fuck Pharmacy cuz I've still not managed to give him his gift even now.

1. In typical style, explained here notwithstanding it's lame in the hope some style may rub off on you, the foregoing was explained by me in Romanian as "it's the name of a neighbourhood park in a well to do Bucharest neighbourhood". Get it ? [↩]
2. Yes, he's that fucking good. I've reread

   [...] este o chestie ca pizda sa dai un inteles pulii cand o sugi, sa-i futi personalitate si sa o sugi intr-o comunicare non verbala.

   hundreds of times, it is an accomplishment of Romanian usage that I can't even begin to dare describing. Suffice it to say that the reason I don't bring it up is because I don't generally trust the audience.

   Because yes, Romanian is so powerful it sparks accidentally, and yes it is entirely possible the above just happened without intent and without art (which, you realise, makes it all the better), and yes I'm exposing myself to the same ridicule the original author takes insurance from in the very next sentence.

   I am rich now, and I am old now, and powerful and beloved and your mother had a stupid son that counts the word order at the wrong time so look what happens, so I assume the luxury of artlessness. [↩]

3. Which I do now as I did when I first read him, libertard 100% psssshhh. [↩]
4. It should be said that the Trilema commenter community constituted exactly 100% of Romanian-speaking thinking people at the time. [↩]
5. Because yes, at the time Trilema also constituted 100% of written content in the Romanian language - either it was there or it wasn't anything - and yes this 100% covered information the various ministries of the Romanian state were supposedly charged with publishing but failed to publish, a circumstance proved through the happenstance that when someone wanted to make an argument in a literary dispute, he relied on schooling data published also by Trilema. The Japanese conglomerates hope and dream, after a night of speed-fueled partying, to achieve the peaks of sociocultural domination Trilema achieved without much effort.

   Living among rank imbeciles has its advantages. [↩]

6. When one manages to subvert City Hall to the degree the street planning commission augmentatively contributes to one's literary production you know you're looking at a Master, yes ? [↩]
7. See the discussion about how it was socially unacceptable for a healthy woman to not put out, in that culture. [↩]
8. Apparently named with a discount off an older Dacia model. [↩]
9. Very popular for a long time as Christmas decoration, the tinsel boa was as mainstream as surgical glove finger condoms. [↩]
10. In reference to some government-sponsored ad campaign about "our Romania" bla bla. [↩]
11. In Romanian, penal means extremely low, miserable, bad. There's really no reason it won't mean exactly the same in English by the time I'm done with it.

    There's more here than meets the eye - fundamental to subversion of any government is denial of its ability to control words. So, they wish to have "a legal system" ? Fine, but I say what "penal" means. And I also say what nigger means, and what jew means, and fuck the Old Gray Goose, it's exactly nothing more than Blair's "old grey stones". Sloboz la tava. [↩]

12. Yes, you think this would be an arrestable offence. Yes, the NATO-sponsored Romanian "state" authorities would assure you this'd be an arrestable offence. As one who has walked nude women around, and as one who actually understand things as opposed to relying on misrepresentations of things, I am unperturbed by this narrative, and can readily believe they didn't get bothered by anyone.

    Because unlike the obnoxious fucks populating the NATO Reich, Romanians, actual Romanians, the Romanians that make up Romania (as opposed to the romanians who make up the various crews serving whatever missile systems placed there by whatever foreign empires) don't care. Because why would they ? [↩]

13. As the Romanian expression goes, "Lume multa, oameni putini" ie a lot of people but very few people. [↩]
14. Ie, a scandalous concentration of fakers and lamers. [↩]
15. As per the footnote above. Because.why.would.they.care! [↩]
16. Traditional thing to say to kids and about kids, it could have its own kanji it's so fixed. [↩]
17. Romanian has impersonal tense, like the French "on", via the conjunctive. English dun really, I'm not about to say "it". [↩]
18. This is what "sloboz la tava" literally means - human ejaculate fried and served on a platter. He uses it as a complex interjection. [↩]
19. Pizdos in Romanian doesn't mean what the Russian Pizdets says. It's a superlative in the soft manner. You can't have a pizdos tank (by the way, saying it in this order rather than the normal tanc pizdos makes your language sound pretty Hungarian, at least in Romanian) ; but you can definitely have a pizdoasa house. One's soft and one's hard, see ? And if you don't see, review the footnote about dicks and fucksticks above. So, hard or soft ? It's a thing. [↩]
20. Possibly historically it's a reference to inducing epilepsy in the subject. [↩]
21. He's not even kidding. [↩]
22. Yes, they were running around naked before sundown. [↩]
23. Yep. One of the more common expletives, too. [↩]
24. Literally he says Greuceanu, who's a guy from a folk tale. Cognate of weight, for some reason, so there it goes. [↩]
25. There's these cheap video poker machines with square buttons. The sort of dude (it's always a dude) that'd patronize them tends to hit the buttons so often and loudly that they're widely called "pacanele" onomatopoetically. [↩]
26. Yes, "you have the face of a..." is a common characterisation, and certainly more apt to support social judgement and social decision than fucking CVs. I certainly sent more randos packing because they "had a face of x" than because their CV didn't fit whatever the fuck. [↩]
27. He uses the term somewhere in between the original sense (an older tramp's self-locomotive cumrag) and the late 20th century sense (punk is dead, right ?). [↩]
28. Yes, he just judged some ~other~ people as a) marginal and b) "terribilist", ie an over-reaching kid that's trying to draw attention to himself notwithstanding he couldn't handle it if he got it.

    No, he's not insane, I can see what he (could) mean. [↩]

29. The two possible justifications for behaviour, in that order. But this was neither funny nor easier than the alternative, so... [↩]
30. Is he fucking around with Proust ? I have nfi. [↩]
31. He doesn't mean to suggest he thinks she was getting laid ; it's just an interjection. [↩]
32. This is how language works, and why it's even there. Are you using any languages ? [↩]
33. Yes these'd be kept. [↩]
34. Ie, a piercing. Earring is how you say piercing in Romanian. [↩]
35. See how lame it sounds ?

    This is how lame it sounds all the time. [↩]

36. Literally, zoaie means dirty water resulting from washing something. [↩]
37. About the same meaning as the traditional "boys". Rowdy knaves of the borough. [↩]
38. The basic quanta of hostility. [↩]
39. Dumbass, in the original. [↩]
40. O yeah. The culture of fucking with security mechanisms is so deeply ingrained you have no idea.

    I used to make a good living out of having that idea. [↩]

41. Untranslatable altogether. Smecheria is the substance of boyhood, what makes a man a man, the invisible soul of the mechanical orange. Smecleu just meas ejaculate. The two terms collided, which is why the initial sm turned into zm. You know, from zmeu. Yes, that's right, free-associative superlative. You can do this, in Romanian. [↩]
42. In this rendering, jerk denotes "anything the parents'd disapprove of", for a wide notion of "parents" extended to include boring wives at home. [↩]
43. Ayep. He just did that. [↩]
44. He gets tired of saying sploodge. [↩]
45. His regular girlfriend, on the strength of living nearby. They met when he was taking an outdoor piss one night.

    It's not particularly hard in Romania for a pimp - or at least wasn't ; the boring kids "progressed" it into the shitter meanwhile. [↩]