Step 1 :
Step B :
The moral of the story being that you can not win battles in your own head with people who are in it for the lulz. It just doesn't work that way.
Oh, and here we go - half hour later, the lulz!
Which of course leads us to...
I guess deliberately building a shittier Internet can come back to bite you! Seriously, who knew! Nobody could have foreseen &c.