"Honey! I'm ho-ome!"
"Don't yell Lache, I'm right here."
"Oh I didn't see you! Hi!"
"How was your first day honey ?"
"Worst. Day. Ever!"
"That bad huh ?"
"Oh it's terrible. Do you have any idea what being the UBS for the Boxing Arena even is ?!"
"You sit around the urinals and they... they pee on you, don't they ?"
"Yes, that's right! Urination Beautification Specialist!"
"That doesn't sound so terrible."
"It's much, much worse than it sounds. First, you have to take all your clothes off, right ?"
"It's a job, honey. Of course you have to take your clothes off."
"No, some people have jobs-jobs, like in an office. With a water cooler and everything."
"What! It's true!"
"No it's not true. It was true."
"Whatever, one guy there even said he knows a guy who once worked for a guy who did that."
"Yeah, his cousin thrice removed twenty years ago."
"But then, after you take all your clothes off, and your shoes and everything you know, I'm out there, barefoot in the men's room."
"And then do you know what you have to do ? Ask me what you have to do!"
"What did they make you do at work, honey ?"
"They made me take everything off, and then I had to put my wrists in these cuffs up on the wall, and there was a special ring come into my mouth so I couldn't close it anymore!"
"Right by the urinal ?"
"Right on the urinal. Everyone pees right on your face, Marge! That's the job. It goes in your mouth, because of the ring, you have to taste it, Marge! Every drop!"
"You don't have to swallow it all, do you ?"
"No, they told us not to."
"That's not so bad..."
"The worst part is that some dudes actually shove their prick into your mouth. Like all the way down, so it touches on the back of the throat, and you can taste them back there."
"Then you have to swallow it all, when they do that. Or drown in it, I guess. I don't think they're supposed to do that, really, I mean the ring is there so I can't close my mouth so they can piss in it, not so they shove their cock in past it... They said ar whorientation the ring is there for our own protection, too!"
"But you've got the job, right ?"
"Honestly Marge, I tell you I don't..."
"I'm so glad you got the job, Lache!"
"Why is that ?"
"Because I'm pregnant, you big dope, that's why!"
"Oh my god! Marge!"
"Aren't you happy ?"
"I'm so happy I could kiss you!"
"Go brush your teeth first."
"Wait... but I mean... Marge ?"
"How come you're pregnant ?"
"Try and guess ?"
"You had sex ?"
"That's right, Lache, that's right. Margie had sex."
"But... I mean, when ?"
"Oh, about six-seven weeks ago."
"You remember, you couldn't get a job, we were behind on the rent ? And I said..."
"You said then all that's left is for you to try and talk to the landlord, see if maybe he'll give us a break."
"So what happened, you never said anything."
"Actually what happened is, he wanted to increase our rent really."
"Oh. Wow. For this dump ?"
"Yes. He said we're not getting any younger and he's not running an asylum. He said the town needs young people, eager people, we can go be old on a funny farm in Iowa just as well, no need to be in the city for that."
"So what did you say ?"
"What could I say..."
"Are we getting evicted ? What's a funny farm in Iowa anyways."
"Oh, one of those things, you know, with the singing."
"The singing ?!"
"You know, all that 'I can hear 'em callin' hogs in the clear Ioway air, I can sniff the fragrant whiff of an Ioway rose!' then there's a chorus, 'You've got Ioway in your heart!' and then it goes 'I've got Ioway in my hair! I've got Ioway in my ears and eyes and nose! Oh, I know all I owe I owe Ioway, I owe Ioway all I owe and I know why. I owe Ioway more than I can ever pay, but I'd love to move to Californiay!' then it's 'You're a breeze that Ioway blew.' and then 'I owe Ioway more than anyone should owe, so I think I'll start in owin' Idaho!' like that."
"Oh gosh-darn Marge..."
"That's the spirit, Lache!"
"I... I don't want to go on an Iowa farm. It's not even funny."
"I don't want to either."
"So what are we going to do ?"
"We're going to be pregnant."
"So is it... that's he... did you..."
"Did I get pregnant from the landlord that day ?"
"How come ?"
"Because he only fucks in the ass. Especially worthless amateurs like me."
"But what ?"
"I like you."
"Well yeah you like me, but what other options do you have ? He's the landlord, he fucks what he wants, no ? Whichever way he wants. That's what we're for, after all."
"We are ?"
"I don't mean you, I mean us. Look around Lache, what do you think they have all the apartments for ? They're here, they were built, they must have some purpose."
"For people to have families and raise their children, no ?"
"It's just not exactly the same people, that's all. We're still raising them. Aren't we ?"
"The city needs young people, he's right. Eager people too, but that's easy. Young people is easy too, with the right mindset : everyone's born very young, and it brings the average down. So..."
"I'll be pregnant every year from now on, and we'll raise them all together, Lache!"
"But we have no money!"
"You've got your job, don't you ?"
"Oh no. No you don't, buster. You're not quitting on me!"
"There are ways to deal with dodgers, Lache. You don't even want to go there."
"What ways ?"
"None of them great, I'll tell you that."
"Yes Lache ?"
"If... if the landlord only does... only did... you know, in the ass..."
"Then how come you're pregnant ?"
"You remember I had that thing on Saturdays ?"
"Well... what kind of thing was it ?"
"The... I don't know, the empowerment of liberties club ?"
"Libertines, you big dope. Libertines."
"What's that ?"
"That's when I go to the big housei and..."
"What big house ?"
"It doesn't matter which one. Any of the. And I'm the maid."
"You have to put on a uniform and everything ?"
"Oh, they provide the uniforms. You show up nude, we have to wait in line all naked, all of us. And stop stroking yourself."
"Please Marge. Please. Will you ? Please, may I ?"
"Just on the feet again ?"
"But let's go out in the hallway, honey."
"How come ?"
"Well... it's closer to the shower room, for one thing. And... let's just say I really like how the performance anxiety makes it difficult for you to do it."
"Besides, it's not just your worry that somebody might come, and see. Maybe someone really does come, and sees you, and then gives you what for."
"Oh don't act the priss with me. You've already had one down your throat at work."
"So you know where it's going next."
"That's right, buster. What, you think you're better than me ?"
"No buts if it's not your butt. I don't want to be the only one broken down there, you understand ?"
"We're in this together, and that means it goes in. Both of us, equally, all the way."
"I don't know if I'm ready for that."
"Then get ready. Grow up, Lache! I need a man, not some fly by night romance."
- Cuz n, geddit ? [↩]