Hoe Jokes

Motto : Ask Hannah to tell you the hoe cakes
story sometime. She tells it great!

A married man starts reading Trilema for no reason (really, because it popped out of some dubious porn site he was visiting for no reasonⁱ) and then (for no reason) a few months later decides to celebrate his 10th wedding aniversary by doing something they've never done before : shooting a whole new wedding album! Completely differently, though!

Thus, the compliant (rather, complacent -- but for having been handled in acceptable frame & all, make no mistake about it) wife and some scuzzy youth recruited in a nearby bar gathered, the man proceeds to make sweet sweet love to the captive audience everywhere about the house while the cheap compact camera rolls under a bunch of shadows as naturally occur in the cramped living spaces occupied by the uppity poor.

After an hour or two covering a dozen or more assaults against decency and common sense, not to mention the misfortunate domestic partner involved, with a few gigabytes of perfectly unusable footage having been produced, the poor woman is about as irritated as a caged Staffordshire terrier someone had poked with a stick through the bars for the interval (or, if you prefer, Gloria Guida towards the end of that marathon). Thus the married man picks up the camera himself, while the scuzzy youth proceeds to sock it into the missus, to her complete (or rather, comparative) satisfaction -- if for no other reason then because this idiot didn't try to mount her atop the fridge, the dryer, or anywhere else besides the couch.

After about another hour or so, the lady being thoroughly exhausted (which is, as everyone agrees, the plausibly-deniably equivalent of satisfaction) the married man proclaims self-importantly : "See ? That's how you hold a camera!"

~ * ~

A great guy with a great sense of humour who had just been getting into the swing of swing trading (after a successful oniric career otherwise, much to his own satisfaction and very much according to his pre-planned plannings) sits down to watch the big fight on his humongous, flat screen, plasma-whatever TV set.

It is truly the big fight, the biggest ever fight, according to reasons and by criteria not to mention what the other limpdick lamers he acts as if he hung out with said. His preparations are nowhere short of even, as imperatively reclaimed by such bigness : there's eight different sorts of savory snacks (not to mention the sweets) laid out in complicated arrangements, a bevy of sodas (half of which claiming to be beer) and so on. The great guy (with a great sense of humour) sits in the armchair across the TV set ; the trophy fucktoy, her hair done just so and toenails just otherwise -- hey, if he's the one that sucks them he should be the one to say how they're painted!!! -- sits with her legs folded sideways under her ass, steeling herself for an hour's worth of boredom at about $180 pre as well as post-tax.

Then... disaster strikes : the bell rings, the man goes for his first swig of swill, the woman wiggles her toes and... BAM! Knock Out. The retarded twat he had his hopes fixed on is sprawled on the floor, unmoving, and nine, ten, that's it. Battle ends by knock-out in the fourth second! No need for all those twelve rounds after all, the ex-hottie that was going to carry the numbered plates high over her head in the right order not even needed after all.

His trophy slut, her mouth corners dripping malizia, whispers "inaudibly" : "See ? Now you understand my point of view."

~ * ~

A woman fires her maid. The maid ain't taking none of that shit : "And just so you know, your husband said I'm much prettier than you ever were!"
"What ?!"
"Ooooyeah. And he said I'm a much better fuck, too!"
"My husband said that ?!"
"No, Juan the pool boy."

~ * ~

A guy takes his wife to some cabins in the woods for their vacation. The first night he's awakened by insistent knocking on the window. When he goes to investigate, he distinctly hears a voice whispering "Your wife's fucking another man under the covers." He jumps and runs to check, but... there's nobody there. He goes back to bed, only to be awakened again in the same manner just as he was falling alseep. Eventually after a few more passes he goes outside the cabin, trying to find the annoying prankster. He has no luck, but as he returns he discovers the door somehow locked behind him. He goes around to the window, and there he sees a sight : his wife fucking another man under the covers.

"Gosh golly, whodda thunk it, really looks that way from over here!"

~ * ~

A father and his pre-school daughter are walking back towards their house. A few doors away they run across the neighbour's dog, locked inside the other neighbour's bitch, walking on two feet behind her. The daughter's eyes open as wide as saucers : "Daddy, daddy! What's Fido doing ?!"
"Well... uhm... you see... uh... Princess doesn't want to go home, so Fido is making her go."
"Oh. Ooh I see now. Good thing Mommy held tight to the kitchen sink yesterday, otherwise the postman definitely would have made her go to the post office. And she wasn't even dressed properly!"

~ * ~

"I've met the girl I'm gonna marry."
"How come ?"
"She's a total nympho and she owns her own alcohol importing business."

~ * ~

Upon discovering their seventeen year old daughter's doing extasy, the concerned suburban parents send her to live with her grandmother in the woods for a while.

The first day there girly wakes up around noon, roots a while through the mess she brought with her ever more desperately, then eventually she runs out of her room as if her hair were on fire. "Granny, granny! Have you seen my pills ? Little small pills with E on them!"
"Nevermind no darn pills, did you see that there dragon come into the kitchen ?!"

~ * ~

Two old women sit on a bench in the park, yakking on topics of their interest. A young slut, bare legs uniting at length six inch platforms with six inch skirt, undulates her curves past them, moving the conversation right along : "That lucky slut. She's married, for one, two lovers she's got on the side, for the other, and then last night a whole gang of Mexicans raped her!"

~ * ~

A granny walks into a pharmacy and gives the clerk her prescription. The clerk looks at the thing, looks at her, then goes into the little pharmacy conference room in the back. The actual pharmacist emerges,
"Is this prescription for you ?"
"Yes it is."
"But ma'am, these are contraceptives. They're perfectly useless in your case, and they have side effects. What do you use them for ?"
"They make me sleep at ease."
"That's not an off-label indication I ever heard of. How do you mean ?"
"Every evening I have a cup of milky coffee with my sixteen year old niece that's living with me, and every time I slip her one. That way I go to sleep at ease."

~ * ~

A mother and her preteen daughter came all the way from Detroit to visit New York City. As fate has it, the first hansom cab they run into's being pulled by a horse with a monster hard-on. "Mommy, mommy! What's that ?!" asks the girl to bother her prudish mother.
"That's nothing!"
The driver turns to them, winks at the daughter, then bellows "Ma'am, if you call that nothing..."

~ * ~

Saturday night's a big day : the local gay theatre's putting on some faggoty interest extravaganza. Two happily married lesbians, that had shared for better or worse the past five decades together, have their tickets, and are getting ready. The foundational question (for half-decade-young lesbians) is soon encountered : "Bras ? Or braless ?!"
The wife looks out the window. "Better put them on, it's wet and muddy out."

~ * ~

During Summer vacation a boy one day rebels against chores and three squares a day, so he runs away from home. On his approximately rectiliniar wanderings worth an hour and change of leisurely walk he crosses the train tracks and ends up on the edge of the low rent neighbourhoods. There he sees a whore, waiting dejectedly on the side of the road.
"Auntie, are you a prostitute ?!"
"Who the fuck you callin' old, motherfucker!"

~ * ~

The local newspaper carries a feature publicizing the 111th birthday of a local resident. The next day, the local brothel receives an unexpected visit : the very local celebrity in question! Professional curiosity impells all the working girls to gape at the fellow, who, unperturbed, picks the curviest, hardiest whore and drags her to the workplace.

Once there, he stuffs his ears with cotton, and stops his nose with a clothespin.
"What the hell ?!"
"There's two things I can't stand in this world : bitches wailing, and the scent of burning rubber."

~ * ~

A bunch of people in various uniforms bust into the HR office of some firm. The very blond girl they find there is surprised, but keeps it together.
"How many people actually work here ?"
"A quarter, more or less."

~ * ~

A college beauty looking for an easy spot of work to earn a little extra for the weekends answers an ad for a maid. She shows up at the mansion slightly late, but the very coiffured, manicured, dressed &c lady of the house sits her down for an interview anyway.
"First of all, in this house we're manic about cleanliness. You've wiped your feet on the little rug at the entrance before coming in, of course ?"
"Sure did, ma'am."
"In second place, in this house we're dedicated to sincerity, honesty and always telling the truth. Do you always tell the truth ?"
"Oh yes, ma'am. Always."
"But there's no little rug at the entrance."

~ * ~

Two guys from Indiana are sitting at the bar, swigging beers and shooting the breeze.
"You know what I hear ? In the big windy they eat, drink and fuck for free."
"What! No way."
"I'm telling you..."
"How would you know ? You've never even been there."
"Me no, but my wife went last week."

~ * ~

A guy from Indiana goes to visit the big city. He finds it all fascinating, as a whole and in all the details. Eventually he's sitting on the bench by the lake, dazed by so much wonder. As he comes to he notices a guy doing push-ups. He watches for a while, then eventually yells "Hey! You know she ran off long ago, right ?"

~ * ~

A guy decides to quit freelancing online and start a small-scale sheep farm instead. Much to his dismay, his sheep aren't having any lambs ; the profit margins are correspondingly absent. He inquires with a holistic expert he met at a java conference once, and the expert tells him the problem's one of altitude : he should have the sheep impregnated up on a steep hill ; then if they seek shade they're pregnant, and if they stay in the sun it has to be done over.

The guy can't really afford professional services, and besides, being a Web 2.0 veteran he believes strongly in the DIY ethos, as one would who could never afford anything his whole life. So he rents an U-Haul, loads the sheep, drags them all uphill, fucks them all, then watches them while drawing his breath. The sheep linger, sunbathing as if they've not a care in the world. He does it over, then once more... towards midnight he finally stumbles back home.

Come morning, he's too exhausted to stand, but he asks his wife to go check on the sheep : are they in the god damned shade yet ? The wife comes back very puzzled. "They're neither in the shade nor in the sun."
"What ?!"
"They're all in the truck, one's even honking for you."

~ * ~

A single dollar bill and a five hundred euro bill that used to go to school together meet again accidentally. The dollar asks excitedly "So.. what's your life like ?"
"Not too bad, kinda interesting. I was with some drug dealers a while, then hung out in a jewelry store, then they woke me up in the middle of the night and I ended up with some guys with big moustaches that had a lot of guns, then I went on a cruise, spent some time with a famous singer... what about you ?"
"Oh, just routine. Strip club. Tithe box. Strip club. Tithe box. Strip club. Tithe box."

~ * ~

The phone rings.
"Hey Mimmi, listen..."
"Wrong number, Mister. There's no Mimmi here."
"Do you know her phone number ?"
"No. How the hell would I know your Mimmi's phone number ?!"
"How do you know she's my Mimmi ?"
"I took a guess."
"Could you guess her phone number too ?"

~ * ~

Two successful young whores accidentally walk into a careerwoman cafeteria. They decide to at least have some fun at the expense of the frumpy attendance, so they start talking loudly :
"Oh, look at this! Good news! Kia owners are to be exempt from all road tolls : with the safety belt on, it counts as a backpack."
"Ahahaha. But have you heard what's the smallest part in an electric car ?"
"The owner's brain ?"
"No, that's the most powerful part."
"Hahaha! Good one! But do you know the shortest joke about an electric ?"
"No ?"
"The electric car went uphill."
"Hohoho. Oh, by the way! Did I tell you, Candi traded her Kia in."
"Really ? What did she get ?"
"A Hitachi."
"Honestly, it makes sense. One time I crashed at her place overnight, and in the morning she was going to give me a lift, but her car was gone. All that was left was the tarp. So she called it in to the police, and they asked her if she shook the tarp well!"
"What had happened ?"
"Nobody even knows. Windy night."

~ * ~

At a downtown police station
"Name."
"Alexandra O. Feckess."
"Age."
"Twenty-seven."
"Occupation."
"Primary schoolteacher."

The bald sargeant's scrunched face suddenly lights up in an ear-to-ear smile. Muttering "Oh! How long I've waited for this!" he reaches into the lower drawers of his desk, from whence he retrieves a pile of copier paper and a pen. Then, with a fully toothed grin :
"Write down five thousand times : 'When the light is red, I stop. When it turns green, I go.'"

~ * ~

A panic-stricken young woman shows up at the pharmacy towards noon. There's a substantial queue of old fucks with nothing better to do gathered around, but she pushes through & insists "Please, I've someone in bed". They mostly let her pass, and once she's at the counter "Five packs of Durex, please."

~ * ~

A freshman at Humboldt saw something on TV, jumped off the couch, put tights and a bra on and ran out the door. A quarter mile down the road she burst into the dorm of her friend, who was just then rolling a big fat joint.
"Damn Rita, you're always smoking. Put that shit down, come with me let's jog and be healthy together!"

Rita, who always had a secret crush on the anonymous freshman, set the doobie down, threw a pair of yoga pants and a bra on and took to running. A little further down they ran into Ayala who they knew from Honors European History class. Ayala was setting up to do a line of coke off that slut Heather's ass.
"God damn it you two, always banging girl. Ditch that shit, come run with us. Let's be healthy together!"

The pair having already snorted enough for a whole week felt pleasantly excited by the idea, so Heather pulled her leggings back around her waist, Ayala smoothed out her stretch pants about the crotch, they re-adjusted their bras together and off they all went! Not long after they ran into Genevieve, the campus' premiere butch dyke, cooking up.

"Fuck it G, you're always with that spoon up your ass. Throw that shit away, come run with us, you'll live longer."
"Motherfucker! Every time that bitch drops an E we spend the rest of the day running around the campus like idiots!"

~ * ~

A guy with a lot of money kept a haremful of slaves. A friend of his with a lot less money kept a girlfriend for a few weeks at a time. Whenever the girls visited together, the girlfriend picked on the slaves in shockingly similar terms.
"Oh, my boyfriend's bought me so and so and taking me thus and following, and oh no, poor you, how hard you work, how hard you have it, what do you mean he beats you if you talk back or there's no fresh bread in the house!"
The slaves shrugged and rarely said anything back. What could they even say, it was always Heather but never the same Heather as last time.

~ * ~

The day after the young couple signed the papers for their first-time-homeowners home, the newly minted lady of the house disappeared, to be seen again only with the dawn, the day after.
"Where the hell have you been ?!"
"The real estate agent ambushed me, tore all my clothes off, dragged me to his car, drove me to the overpass, chained me to a concrete wall and raped me there for three days and three nights!"
"What the hell ?! You're only missing since yesterday."
"Yes, but I only came by to shower. I'm going back today and tomorrow."

~ * ~

A guy picks up a cutie off the street, right in front of Chez Victor. Not wanting to take any chances or lose mommentum, he invites her to eat together right then and there. She accepts ; they have a great time together, but then it's time for the check, and, well...
"Could I have the collegial discount, I wonder ?"
"Vous etes aussi restaurateur ?"
"Non, voleur."

~ * ~

An academic philosopher with a long list of accolades and a hedge fund manager with even more billions under administration are arguing over the general public's familiarity with mathematics : while the hedge fund manager deplores the extremely low level of broad mathematical knowledge, the philosopher holds that people by and large know plenty of math, in any case much more than they're ever liable to use in any practical situation no matter how contrived.

The argument drags on, eventually the manager goes to the toilet. The philosopher beckons their cocktail waitress, a true bundle of joy of a girl.
"Have you been working here long ?" he inquires with the false affability of older gentlemen in a cocktail lounge.
"Oh no. This is my third week here. I was a stewardess before." she retorts, with the false eagerness of younger sluts working the gents in question.
"Here's a hundred for you. But I want you to do something for me."
"Yes sir ?"
"When my friend comes back, I'll call you over. Then I'll ask you something, it doesn't matter what, and you say 'x to the third power by three', remember that exactly because it's very important. Can you do that ?"
"Sure can, sir. X to the third power by three." she trills, then disappears with the bill.

Upon his return, the manager deploys some new argument he came up with during ; but the philosopher is having none of it. Eventually he proposes : "Listen, I'll ask a random person -- like, say, our waitress, isn't she cute -- what's the integral of x squared."
"Are you out of your mind ?! Analytics ?!"
"Sure."
"How about some basic arithmetics or planar geometry or something."
"Oh don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows all that."
"You academics are living in lala-land over there."
"I'll bet you, how about that."
"How much ?"
"A year's salary!"
"What ?! Mine, or yours ?"
"No, no, mine, what the hell. Have a heart."
"No, fine, that's a bet. Hey, miss!"
"Yes sir ?" she zips right in.
"What's the integral of x squared ?"
"X to the third power by three."

Silence reigns, it's as if she had farted a whole elephant or something. The philosopher's gloating quietly, the manager's speechless perfectly. The girl furrows her brow, then she continues : "Plus a constant."

~ * ~

As part of a certain sorority's proceedings, a freshslut is eating out with an alumniho. They order New Yorks, as per tradition point bleu, but...

As the maitre d' comes to inquire how the ladies found the steak, the ho swivels her head from left to right and back again. "This thing tastes like a pine cutting board on which someone cut some under-ripe onions yesterday, and there it sat ever since."
The fellow appologizes profusely and retires the steaks. The slut, eyes the size of saucers, lets out in a whisper, "You sure ate a lot of things, huh ?!"

~ * ~

A teenaged slut walks into the bar area of a very busy club. She rests her bosom on the chrome, squeezing her bounty between her own elbows, squinting provocatively at the bartender and gesturing lasciviously in his direction. The bartender flies over.
"Is there something I can get you ?"

The girl gestures for him to get closer, then starts twidling her fingers through his beard and playfully teases him behind the ears while whispering "Are you the man in charge ?"
"No, but..."

She caresses his face, runs her fingers over his lips, eventually he suckles them one at a time, and all together.
"I just wanted to let you know..."
"Yes ? Yes ?" he huffs excitedly.
"That you're all out of toilet paper."

~ * ~

A highschool sophomore is finally invited to her first party as a favour, a week or two after starting her nude year. The Monday after, all her friends are gathered in her bedroom, inquiring of things and matters with bated breath. She's thoroughly savouring the moment, generously imparting the details upon her lesser, eager court.
"Oh yeah, everything there's crazy. Like the blueberry jam, for instance : it tastes like fish. And they say it's supposed to, too!"

~ * ~

A successful businessman from Odessa wintering in Medellin takes a beginner slut he recently picked up (she was waiting in line for the bus, he had his driver stop the car in the middle of the road, and one thing lead to the next...) to his favourite restaurant.

It's their first time together out of doors ; on the way over, to impress her, he tells her that he always goes there after the Corrida de toros, for they're under strict orders to serve him the dead bull's bollocks. And indeed, the waiters receive the recent pair with great attention, seat them immediately, and there comes unbidden the speciality.
"Aren't they... I mean... are they always this small ?" inquires the damsel, not exactly innocent of the look and heft of actual farm animals.
"Well you see my dear... sometimes the bull wins these things."

~ * ~

After being fired from her dream job at the record store (for being too literal and over-oppinionated), a pretty young hopeful persuades the small business owner / Army veteran running the "tactical" shop across the mallway to hire her : a job for a blowjob, with the understanding that she can have it for as long as she can keep it.

She was fired the same day, over an irate customer reporting to the small business owner the following conversation :
"Do you have any camo gear ?"
"We sure do."
"Can I see it ?"
"You're missing the point, aren't you."

~ * ~

"Have you heard about Suzy ?"
"Oh my god! How terrible!"
"I know, right ? Are you going to the funeral ?"
"I think so, yeah. Yeah, definitely."

"How horrible though, I mean, in a car crash."
"Yeah. At least they said it was fast."
"Not a beautiful body, though."
"I wonder what was the last thing that went through her mind."
"By the looks of it... her ass, really."

~ * ~

At Miss Ho, a blonde and a red-head tie. To resolve the situation, there's a special emergency question : "Name three Shakespeare plays". Blondy burns that buzzer, then shoots out the answer in all confidence : "three, six and nine inches".

There's silence ; everyone in the audience looking at each other in plain confusion. Eventually the MC dares offer "Miss, those are... uhh... what are they ?"
"Shorthand, but whatever, have it your way : Much ado about nothing, As you like it, and A midsummer night's dream."

~ * ~

In a very tightly packed subway car : "Miss, please grab hold of the upper bar ; the lower's getting off here."

~ * ~

"Our genetics research lab has a serious problem."
"Don't tell me it's the gender balance."
"Yes, it is! There's nine hundred eleven researchers, all male. Zero women ? How is this possible ?"
"You tell me ; the last all-female team proposed the crossing of moles and giraffes to produce cheaper oil drills."

~ * ~

"Oh Bunny, when I hold you tight like this... I feel like I'm in Paradise!"
"Mhmm"
"How about you ?"
"Me ? I feel like I'm in the subway."

~ * ~

The pilot turns the cabin microphone on : "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We're cruising at 10`000 meters, the flight is on schedule and we expect to arrive at our destination in about an hour and a half. Enjoy the trip and thank you for flying our airlines" ; then he forgets to turn it back off again : "What I really want right now is a ristretto and a blowjob."

A stewardess rushes over to let him know he's forgot to turn the mic off.
"Miss! You forgot the ristretto!"

~ * ~

During Socialist Studies class at Baltimore High,
"Mary, if you had two luxury cars, would you donate one to the Revolution ?"
"Sure."
"Jane, if you had two McMansions, would you donate one to the Revolution ?"
"Absolutely."
"Keysha, would you donate a tit to the Revolution ?"
"What, you mean cut it off ?!"
"Well... yes."
"No fucking way!"

Utopian narratives only work for as long as shit don't get real.

~ * ~

"Why aren't basketballs ever green ?"
"You ever seen a black man chuck a watermelon ?"

~ * ~

Friday just about closing time a respectably-looking gent and a complete knock-out of a gorgeous babe walk into an upscale jewelry store. The clerk indulges them, and eventually he picks out for her a conspicuous diamond necklace retailing well over $300`000. Much to the clerk's surprise, the gent takes out a checkbook, writes out the amount, signs himself, folds it in two and hands it over, without as much as asking for a discount!

"I gather you harbor certain doubts as to my solvency ?" inquires the gent.
"No, sir, it's just that... you see..."
"I have the perfect solution for you : my bank is closed I suspect ; but I'll leave the check here with you, and come Monday morning, once you can verify it, you send the necklace over to the young lady by courier. That work ?"
"Certainly, sir. Thank you very much, sir. Have a great weekend, sir!"

Come Monday, the stupefied jeweler finds out about 9:02 in the morning that indeed the check's worthless. He calls the first time customer, to elucidate the mystery. The elucidation comes post haste : "The bank charges me forty-nine francs for a returned check. Do you have any idea what that girl charges for a whore weekend ?"

~ * ~

A guy in the final stage of some made-for-TV game show.
"So here you are, final question. You can risk all, some, or none of the five hundred million you won so far!"
"Eh what the hell... I'm all in!"
"That's a bold move! The final and last question, at the end of which you can walk away the first ever billionaire in the history of our show is... it is... which of the following birds doesn't built its own nest : the woodpecker ; the cuckoo ; the kiskadee ; or the pelican."
"I... oh... um... I'd like to call a friend."
"The number you have down for calling a friend is that of your fiancee, is that right ?"
"Yes it is"
"Hello ?"
"Hi, this is our show calling! Your fiance is here in the final round, and confronting the following question :"
"Oh, I know, I know. I'm watching on TV. It's the cuckoo."
"Are you sure ?"
"Absolutely."
The man looks around dazed, then nods, "Alright, I'll go with the cuckoo."
"You answer the cuckoo... and the answer is... correct! Congratulations!"

Later that night, after excitement's first edge faded off, the happy billionaire insists on congratulating his smartie pie once more! For she's so cute and smart and he could eat her toes she's so smart and knows everything just like a smart girl!
"Oh please. You seriously didn't know cuckoos are from those big old timey clocks ?!"

~ * ~

After being discovered last Tuesday, a teenaged slut is giving this whole Hollywood starlet thing a whirl. Her agent/producer/director is significantly more excited about the entire thing : "If you keep doing everything I tell you, we'll have an Oscar before the year is out!"
"And if it's a girl ?"

———

1. Tru story. [↩]