The Nude Wedding

Every woman dreams of her eventual nude wedding ever since she's a little girl, barely able to stand taller than the chair, just opening her eyes upon the world beyond her very own nose. The tiresome old woman party tries (and occasionally even manages) to repurpose this one true, natural (and therefore beautiful) dream of all womanhood into some tired sadness they call a "white wedding" ; but, like all the other "innovations"ⁱ of inane naggery it fails to satisfyⁱⁱ, and therefore it fails to matter.ⁱⁱⁱ

The centerpiece of the nude wedding is of course the nude bride, and she is, not to put too fine a slit on it, howling stark naked, not a stitch of anything anywhere^iv, like her mother delivered her into the world^v. The groom is usually dressed formally, though there's a lot of variation defining the actual formality root employed -- classical cutaways (and their plebeian reformulation, the "tuxedo") and male stripper fare (themed underwear and papillon or even lavaliere ties) seem to be about equally fashionable. The bridesmaids can also be nude, an arrangement which is seen occasionally, though not that often^vi, but more commonly will be synchronizedly accoutremented in some manner -- chastity belts are wildly popular (on occasion with the added twist of giving the bride the keys, so any interested gentlemen have to ask her for access) ; mountable penis molds cast in silicone (and often elaborately decorated) a close second^vii and otherwise a varied bevy of bedazzling alternative bedeckments. The guests themselves are generally dressed as for a party, whatever that means in the time and place, and hold on to their clothes for as long as they can and care to.

It is not necessary (nor, for that matter, all that common) for the nude wedding party to collapse into a drunken, shambling orgy of chaos^viii. It is also not technically necessary (though in practice almost always seen) for the nude wedding party to be kicked off by some kind of ceremonial function (which, ideally, should not exceed half hour nor involve more than half the people present in any ceremonial role), the central piece of which is about as often^ix an exchange of rings to be worn on the fingers as the formal leashing of the bride (whereby she kneels next to her owner, who places a collar on her neck^x and affixes a line to it, which then he holds on to). It is quite necessary (not to mention universally the case) that the proceedings are photographed abundantly -- as the Romanian expression goes, "la chefuri iese material fain" ; generally the wedding party screens the materials the next day (or as soon as enough are more or less back to something alike sobriety) during which unworthy portions are forever condemned, and the remainder becomes enshrined as "what the party was" for all time.

Ask to see your mom's, odds are it'll be instructuve.

1. Innovation through ablation, the most ridiculous thing known to Creation. Imagine, they'll take things that are, cut portions out more or less randomly, and there you have it, they've "invented" new things. [↩]
2. A problem left unresolved ; supposedly the failure of narrow minded old womanhood to mean and matter in the world is the men's fault.

   To quote from back when the Internet didn't suck,

   Since the idea of a dowry went extinct, men have been under fire from women for one thing more than any other: a phobia of commitment. Like stuck walruses, women scream that men have a fear of commitment; a fear that is childish and in constant odds with our biological impulse to screw anything that walks.

   That’s bullshit. Men love commitment. Men commit faster and with more enthusiasm than any other creature on Earth. Every time I see a starving dog attack a bowl of food, I think of a man committing to something. Intense!

   Marriage is not the definition of commitment. A wife takes the same amount of commitment as a house plant. All you have to do is keep her well watered with money and in fifty years she’ll blossom into a ripe old prune. That doesn’t sound like commitment. That sounds like a chore.

   It's true. [↩]

3. A problem supposedly resolved by deliberate effort put into showing (and viewing) wedding photo albums, as a deliberate activity, engaged into systematically by a sense of duty "to feminism" (really, to a ridiculously narrow and broadly spurious repurposing of womanhood). Can you imagine spending the rest of your life justifying your existence through the venue of showing a set of old Polaroids to that cancerous older blonde in The Room ? Do you figure it'll be good enough for you ?

   How much does the surgeon have to cut off your body, for little enough to be left of you as'd be satisfied by such comings and goings as traditionally associated with wedding albums ? And for that matter, how much of your brain needs to be turned off for you to reach old age still writing letters to Santa every early Winter ? [↩]

4. Almost universally she's going to be in scandalously high heels, somehow barefoot weddings don't connote so well. There is a "naturist" style, let's call it, where they do it in the woods, the whole point being the avoidance of civilisation and therefore the rejection of its instruments, wherein barefootness naturally works ; but in general it sounds too much like southern Alabama / western Texas (especially if the bride happens to be also pregnant) and so it's generally avoided.

   Meanwhile the heels, especially if they're an inch or two (or five) higher than what she's used to habitually wearing put her into a very strictly enforced position of physical helplessness which is, after all, the entire point of even having a wedding in the first fucking place. If she actually could go anywhere and do anything by herself then why did all those people even gather there ?! A wedding's definitionally for a woman (and not an overgrown derpy girl) who's managed to understand that while she can do many things she can't do all the things, and there's nothing wrong with that.

   Many nude brides also opt for a headpiece, generally amply stocked with thin gauze, which permits some coyplay during the ceremonies. It is neither forbidden nor disqualifying. [↩]

5. Minus the shit and spurious membranes, of course -- but then again those dry off in time anyways. [↩]
6. It has some potential to upstage the bride (especially if there's virgins in the group), which is definitionally improper.

   That said, the bridesmaids' progress towards complete nudity as the wedding party wears on and the clock ticks away is probably the most common wedding phenomenon, the wedding's very phenomenological mainstay so to speak. After all, why were all those people gathered there ? [↩]

7. Again, limited by the presence of virgins in the group. [↩]
8. Though it happens, especially among the lower classes. You know, like everything else. [↩]
9. Tiny implicit cues can suggest which it'll be : if there's a kneeling pillow suspiciously placed for instance she's probably getting leashed ; if she's wearing a collar she probably isn't, seeing how it'd be awkward to. That sort of thing. [↩]
10. A ceremony certainly known even in the old soviet space. [↩]