Tuesday September the 21th. Doll made breakfast. Me and Sylvia hung out. I had my head in my hands and my elbows on the table. Sylvia was trying to cheer me up. Doll turned around and asked me what's wrong Babydoll. I told her! I said my life is so boring! They started laughing. Like I said the funniest thing. Grown-ups have no idea! It's terrible. Sylvia said "how can your life be boring, you're the only twelve year old pimp girl ever." I looked at her through my hands. I said every morning I go to school, I am with my girls ten minutes and have to listen to boring bullshit fifty minutes. They play stupid films all the time. They ask stupid questions. It's a waste of time. Just because all the other kids are lame it means we can't talk about anything important and I can't take my stone even. I haven't even shown Chris or Key my stone yet Doll! Sylvia looked at Doll. Doll said "she's getting straight A's, you know" It's true, too. Mz Rice-Davies gave me an A in social sciences because I raised my hand right before class because she says we should always bring her real world issues and I asked her if it is true Hitler invented that in order to make omelet you have to break eggs or is it true that Hitler made people walk through chalk dust. So she made the whole class about this Hitler guy instead of whatever it was going to be but I still don't know about the eggs. I think maybe it was a special kind of chalk and the people were dead already because of starvation and multinational corporations and the atomic bomb. It's very confusing and not interesting at all, the worst combination like trying to play Mario as a gumbah. It can't be played that way. It's just a stupid idea. The atomic bomb is maybe a little interesting, but they don't talk about the interesting parts of it! Like how do you make one ? Atoms are everywhere right, we should make atomic eggs. That's what I'm making tomorrow, let's see if there's any starvation or what happens.
Then Sylvia said that after school I come home to them and I said yes but I can't kiss them like Kay and Chris because of playdo and she looked at me like "wut! is she talking about" so I had to explain playdo to her. Doll was smiling and Sylvia was just opening and closing her mouth and she opened it larger every time. But I told her about the playdo guy and how he discovered a special kind of physics for people in caves which is everyone a little bit because you never know where the cave is and how things leave marks and sometimes the marks aren't right and so people die and we can't kiss each other or make each other have it because it would break everything and suck our souls. I said it more clearer and with more words but I just wrote down in summary because I know what it is anyway. I think I did ok because after I asked "Isn't that right Doll" and Doll said I'm something else. Sylvia just hugged me very tight and she said I'm scary and then said to Doll "I want her to be my daughter too" and Doll just smiled and looked at me and then said "Babydoll, you have to be nice to everyone you meet, because everyone you ever meet will always love you for as long as you live." Then it was time to go to school and Doll was like come Babydoll I'll take you to school but Sylvia was nuh-uh I'll take her to school so eventually they both came and they did rock paper scissors for who's driving.
Then on the way over Sylvia said "I'm going to tell her" and Doll didn't say anything but just frowned like when you know something's gonna be bad but you just can't help it. Sylvia took a deep breath and said "Babydoll, there's something I have to tell you. I wouldn't tell it to any other girl but you. I would not tell it because it is dangerous, and it can turn out bad. It almost always turns out bad. But it's the truth, and I can't keep it a secret from you. I don't know how I'd go on. Either way." I looked across at her because she was sitting in the back with me like what the hell is this and then she took another deep breath and said "Babydoll baby... there is a way to get out of school." OMG! I was so excited! "You have to go into show business." I asked her what is that and she explained like if in a film there's a child, right ? That child is a real child, and if they're in the film they're not in school, right ? Because people who are in films don't have the time to go to school, so there's a special school for them like teachers who follow them around and teach them when they have time. "You mean like you and Doll ?" and she looked at me and she took a deep breath and she said "Sure... I wouldn't mind taking some time off to brush up on Math and things for you". It was like the atomic bomb exploded in my chest, I couldn't even breathe. I just squeezed her hands tight and I said "I would like that so much". And Doll said "You would, huh." and I nodded with tears in my eyes and then Doll said "What about Chris and Key ? You'd never see them again." and then I realised what she meant. Because... I turned around to Sylvia and I asked her "that is why it is bad, isn't it" and she nodded yes and I said "I will think that I can still see them of course but it is not true, because they will be in school, and I will be in Paris, and I will go without them, and then... and then" this is so sad even now when I write it down it is making me cry. But it is true, then we would not have anything to talk about anymore because I wouldn't care about Mz. Rice-Davies and Mrs. Keeler and they wouldn't know about Paris. Sylvia and Doll told me it is true too, but I knew anyways.
And then... this is the real bad part. Then I said what about you ? I said, what about you Doll! And Sylvia was crying and Doll didn't say anything but she was trying not to cry and then she whispered "I don't know." And then I jumped in to hug her and she had to park the car because she nearly steered it into a truck and I told her I will never leave her. And then she looked at me, she was hugging me too but she pushed my head up to look at me and she said, "Is this your first time, Babydoll ?" and I knew what she meant, because I remembered when we first met and I knew what it meant. I started crying like my heart was breaking because it was, I said "I will never leave you like I left Mom Doll! Never! Never!" and then she said "Maybe one day I'll be too boring and too slow for you, Baby" but she couldn't finish saying her own name and I howled and said "You are hurting me so much Doll" because it was true and it hurt so bad. It's still sore and it hurts. I was so sad. I curled up on the seat and I said "I'm just a terrible person." and I was just sobbing wildly and saying it over and over terrible terrible. Sylvia hugged me and said to me "Not yet. Not yet Babydoll. Nothing has happened yet." but it made no difference and I told her nobody should ever love me because I don't know how to love them back. Sylvia said "but you will learn, Babydoll" and Doll grabbed my hands and said "We will teach you." and I was shaking my head and trembling but Sylvia said if I learned the playdo I can learn anything I want to.
Then they dropped me off and class was already started but I told Mrs. Stone that there was a traffic jam and it was ok. Then I told Key and Chris how sorry I was that I didn't love them as much as they loved me and begged them to punish me please so I can be a better person. I don't think they knew why, because they said this is what I deserve for being a pimp, and I had to carry their trays in the cafeteria and also give them all my erasers but they gave them back to me after school although Chris really liked the purple one so I gave it to her. It's a very good eraser, and she said I can always borrow it whenever I want anyways, and that I will always be her pimp. Then Key said hey what about me and Chris said she can be her pimp too but Key said but will I be hers and I said OK!
Then before PE in the dressing room I took all my normal clothes off completely, including everything, so I was completely naked. And everyone could see! It was so great to be naked in school for once! Then I put on my gym leotard and the stretch pants over it and my sneakers but without socks which was really stupid, I'll pack spare socks from now on. All the girls were whispering and murmuring but nobody said anything to me but really I think they were jealous they just didn't know it. Being naked where everyone can see is the greatest feeling! Especially if they weren't expecting to. Then after class everyone was in the dressing room just dousing themselves in spray but I took my towel and went over to the showers. I think they were expecting me to take my clothes off again but why would I do that ? I just took my normal clothes over to the showers and there's dressing rooms there too like all small like in shops for trying out stores but I didn't use one, I just took everything off like in a pile and then took a shower. It was a little weird because nobody uses the showers ever, I don't know why. It was also kinda gross because there were some kind of flying bug in a corner, like a whole lot of them, all big and with very long legs. But I used the shower in the other corner, there's like five, it was far away. After I showered I just sat there to drip-dry like at home, because realy I never use towels I just wait for it to dry off normally, but then I thought it will take too long here because at home I just walk around the house and not care so it has time or maybe lay on the towel if I want to lay down in bed though really it's much nicer on the chaize by the pool. So I shook most of the water drops off and then toweled with the little towel and got dressed. When I came out of the showers into the dressing room I smelled so much better than everyone else! Most of the girls were ahhh! That's why she did that! So I said to Chris and Kay, but loud so everyone could hear, I said "from now on you take everything off before PE like me too!" and I'm curious how it will go next time in PE. Because I am sure Key will do it and Chris too, but I am curious about the other girls, especially Marla, that jealous bitch. I hate her.
Dad showed up to pick me up but just as we were leaving the Vice said I have to go to the principal's office and Dad said "I am her father, what did she do" and the Vice was really confused and didn't know what to say but he mumbled things and then he said "I guess we can re-schedule for tomorrow" but Dad said no, he will come with me, he wants to know what this is about. So I went with Dad to the principal's office, except the thing is they moved the principal's office from where it used to be I think sometime maybe a year ago or I don't remember, but we got lost from the Vice because I went the way it used to be but now it's in a new building and he had to come running after us and Dad gave me a look, like I was up to no good. But then the Vice explained that no, no, the new office and I said I've never been there and Dad gave me another look like "you sly fox you". Mrs. Plowski the secretary opened her eyes very wide when she saw me with Dad and Dad told her he's my Dad, and then she went in and they whispered something with the Mr. Principal and then she came out and invited me in though there were six or seven kids there, like 8th graders and a sorry looking bunch really.
Mr. Principal asked us wouldn't we like to please take a seat and Dad said so what's this about and Mr. Principal said that I am doing very well in all my classes, much better than last year, "it's a marked improvement" he said and they're all very proud. Dad said there were some custody issues but it's all sorted out now and he hopes for the best, and Mr. Principal said "indeed, I don't remember seeing you before sir, it is my pleasure to make your acquaintance" and Dad started looking like maybe he thinks this guy is really weird and full of shit and it's true that Mr. Principal was very bothered and he kept coughing and eventually he said "It appears Ashley took off her clothes." and Dad said "What ?!" and he looked at me like I was a football and he was about to kick it over the fence and Mr. Principal said "Completely." and I lifted my hands up just in case and I yelled out "Before gym class! I did before gym class! In the dressing room!" and Dad said "What ?" again but he seemed very confused and he was looking from me to Mr. Principal and back. I lowered my arms and Mr. Principal said "Well... there have been some complaints..." and Dad scratched above his ear and said "Girls in her class complained about her changing before gym ?" and Mr. Principal said "Yes... you see..." and Dad was like "What do these other girls do ?!" and Mr. Principal was very bothered and he tented his fingers and he said "You see... they just... they..." and Dad asked "Is that normal ?" and Mr. Principal said "Oh yes, it's very common." and Dad said "But isn't it... unhygienic ?" and Mr. Principal said nothing so Dad just looked at him like he had laid an egg, maybe an atomic egg. So Dad said "Why are there showers then ?" and Mr. Principal said well you see sir, the school buildings are older and the showers are from before and Dad looked at him like he's from the funny papers and said "From before, back when people washed ?!" and Mr. Principal said that it is a very delicate problem and he understands Dad's concern. But also he meaning Dad must understand that nudity on school property is a touchy subject and especially complete but Dad interrupted and said "She can't very well shower with underwear on, can she ?!" but it wasn't even about me I don't think Dad was just blown away by what was going on and Mr. Principal said no sir, of course not. However, if other students complain, and especially in this context, there is a procedure and he doesn't feel any better about this than Dad does but also it must be considered that...
Dad just looked at him like "please man, help me out here" and told him that he can't tell me not to wash. How about they make it a school policy that all girls have to shower after gym and then there won't be any room for complaints ? And no doubt the dressing rooms will smell a lot better, also. Mr. Principal sunk lower and lower in his seat. He said that of course such a motion could be brought before the school board, but it will be a lot of work and it will need time and there will be a lot of discussion and... perhaps attract a lot of undesired attention. But Dad said "Ok, I understand all that, but if the alternative is not washing to avoid the discussion of washing maybe it's time to have that discussion. Who are these people, anyway ?!" and Mr. Principal said he has to specify that no parents complained, but a fellow student. So Dad turned to me and he was like "Wait, this just happened ?" and Mr. Principal said Yes sir and I said Yeah Dad, I was just in PE. And Dad turned back to Mr. Principal and said I don't know what to do here. I guess maybe ask my doctor to write her a gym excuse and you accept it ? I am not telling the girl to not wash and I am not even so sure I want her in the same room with whatever it is that is going on there. Then he turned to me and asked me "What do they even do ?" and I whispered "spray" and he said Good lord. Mr. Principal, really!
Then Mr. Principal stood up from his seat suddenly like he had enough and he paced back and forth behind his desk and then said to Dad Sir, I very much appreciate you bringing forth your concerns. Perhaps if you feel strongly enough about the issue you might be willing to take the time to informally contact the other parents in the class and discuss the matter with them. I think it would be greatly beneficial for the school as a whole if we emerged stronger from this crisis and clarified our gym showering and dressing room policies. I will also raise the matter with the school board. It will be greatly beneficial if there is sizable involvement on the part of the parents to help guide a decision. I will not be taking any disciplinary action on this present issue, and we will keep in touch to find a solution that is satisfactory for all concerns. They shook hands and so on and then we left. As we were going to the car Dad turned to me "Why can't you just wear the gym clothes to school and then change out of them ?" and I said "Because they're gym clothes, Dad. It sucks doing Math in a leotard. It's uncomfortable." then we sat down and he didn't start the car, but turned and looked at me. "Are you trying to bring nudism to school now ? Because you can't do that. Not everyone out there is even a little bit like Doll. Everyone's just like your mother, nothing like Doll." and I said "I know, Dad" and teared up a little but it didn't show.
Then he drove off but he didn't drive home. Instead he took me to the best Gelateria there is. I was like "oh no" and I ran in front of him and grabbed his hands and stopped him and said "Dad, you did not break up with Doll." and I thought I was going to pass out. He said I was all pale. But he told me, no, it's nothing like that, Doll is at home with Sylvia but he wants to talk to me over icecream, is that so bad ? What a relief! I told him if he drives Doll away I will never speak to him for as long as I live! and he said that it's more likely she'll leave him and I asked him why he thinks that and he said Babydoll, after a while you stop believing in miracles. And I said that's just silly, Doll will never leave him because of the playdo, and me. He asked me what I was talking about and I said he'd never understand, it's complicated and he said try me but I told him it's a girl thing. But he said Please! so I explained playdo to him to see. And he told me it's not playdo its Plato, you spell it with a t and no eye. But now I am not going to go through everywhere and change it though you know how it's right. And he kept bursting up laughing all the time as I was explaining it but whenever I asked him he said nothing's the matter and for me to go on and if I asked him if I'm wrong he said no, no, or if I asked him if he didn't understand something so eventually I told him Dad, you are just like Jimmy or some other terrible boy always disrupting the class for no reason. And he just laughed so hard he nearly fell off the chair. I will tell Doll about this too. Then I was done with Plato and I told him there is more but I don't know if he even understood anything so far and I don't want to tell him anymore because it is really sad and he laughs all the time. So he told me he won't laugh, which whatever, he told me the same thing fifty times before. But this time it was for real because as I explained to him about Mom and being a terrible person and loving people he just stood stiff and said nothing like maybe he was about to start crying ? I kinda cried a little when I was saying some parts of it, because they are so sad. And then I said that is why Doll will never leave you and he said Babydoll, the thing that makes me happiest in this whole world is that I am your Dad.
So then he got himself another coffee and me another chocolate with malaga and pistachio and he said he wanted to talk to me about the great choice. I said ok. He said here it is, baby : Sylvia told you about being in films and having a career like that. And I said yes. And he said ok. That is one of the choices. He said he has talked with the girls and Sylvia has connections and Doll will homeschool me and we will work it out that way, if that's what I want to do. But that I have to understand that just because I want to do it doesn't mean anyone else will want me to do it, and if nobody invites me into a film or a show or anything I will just be waiting and wasting my life just as much as any other way. He said "sitting in a room waiting for the phone to ring is the same thing no matter what color phone". It's such a great way to say it, isn't it ? Because what you expect to hear from it when it rings is a little like if it were its color. Like treeg and atomic egg and red phone. Then he said okay, I hear you are very good friends with this girl in your school, Keysha. I said yes. He said but are you her pimp ? And I said "we're just kidding around Daddy, Keysha is a little girl like me, we go to school together. She isn't a whore." He said and this is the other of the choices : I will buy her from her parents, and she will come to live with you, and be your slave. I stopped with my icecream in my spoon in front of my face, just looking at him. He said "everything would be the same, you'd still go to school, but Keysha would stay with you and you will have to take care of her. Would you like that ?" and I said "Keysha would like that." Then I asked him "How will you buy her ? Like give her parents a lot of money ?" and he said no, that's silly. He'll give them a little money every week. That way their incentive which means what makes someone do something is to not make trouble. If he gives them a lot of money all at once all it tells them is that they should make trouble, the more money the more trouble. I think Daddy maybe knows a lot more about business and what makes people do things like at work and so a lot better than anyone knows. It's kinda interesting, but I think being a lover like Doll is better.
I asked him what if it doesn't work out ? And he said the choice is what you want to do with your life, not what works out. It can work out or not either way. And then it all came to me. I understood what it is all about and how it works. Here it is. If you're an actress in a film, or a model like Sylvia or a singer no matter how big, whatever you are, it's that you are a whore. You go out and make money and then the pimp takes it from you. And you can't love anyone, not really, because things change and they move on and the pimp takes you away from everything you love so you can never love anything really. But if you are a pimp, then nothing ever happens. Your life is always the same. You have to take care of Keysha, even if she is a little girl, because she is still a whore. She goes out to school and makes money even if it's not real money, but she learns things in school let's say. And then you take it from her. Because you're her pimp and you take everything she has so she has nothing and then she goes out again. Because she loves you. She does it because she loves you. And you take everything from her. So that she has nothing, nothing ever, ever. I looked up to Dad and I said "You are asking me if I am a pimp or a whore." and he looked back at me with his mouth wide open and said you're baby jesus on a stick. And I asked him how long do I have to figure it out and he said as long as I live. Then he took me on his knee and said "just try to not break anything while you're figuring" and he kissed my hair.
Dad dropped me off at the house but didn't go in. He said he will be back later. I asked Doll if she knew what Dad and I talked about and she said yes. Sylvia asked me how it went. I told them I don't know yet. I told them I want to be alone and to please not be upset with me for it. They said don't you worry about us Babydoll. We're big girls. We'll be fine. I went to my room. All day I wrote in my journal and cried and thought about it. Doll brought me up dinner but I didn't feel like eating really. Though I ate a little bit. Dad came back and he played with them but I didn't want to get out of my room. The problem with Plato is that you never know what you should do. Doll told me they came to kiss me goodnight but I was already asleep and they didn't want to wake me up.