"So how are things with you and John ?"
"We have a love/rape relationship."
"A what ?!"
"It's like a normal relationship, right ? We go out and do things and joke around and fool around and everything. But when I get in one of those pissy moods girls get, he just ignores my feelings and all the bullshit. If I don't snap out of it he beats me, and then it gets worse. So it just doesn't pay to be annoying. I strive to please him instead."
"What do you mean, beats you ?"
"Beats me, beats me. I have a special belt with studs, and a dedicated photo album for the pictures of the welts. There's canes around the house, a whip hanging by a window... He beats me."
"And it gets worse ?"
"Yes. If I'm not nice there's nothing in it for me but pain, rape and humiliation. Last time he used me as a urinal."
"I had to sit on the toilet, and he pissed standing all over my chest and belly so it'd flow between my legs and into the bowl."
"Didn't most end up on the floor ?"
"Yep. I had to clean it up afterwards. Then I had to beg him to let me take a shower. He said he's considering making me go beg out in the street for a coupla hours instead, so I stood there crying and begging him to forgive me while his piss was drying off of me."
"I thought it's pretty terrible at first, but honestly I prefer it to the alternative, as it turns out."
"So where's the rape come in ?"
"Oh, he fucks me whenever he feels like. However he feels like. I just... I don't have any say in the matter."
"This sounds horrifying!"
"But you could leave, right ?"
"This is some of the craziest shit I ever heard in my entire life."
"I guess so, huh. What about you and what was it, Ethan ?"
"Ah, no, we broke up last month."
"How did that happen ?"
"Some guy at his job scratched his car while parking, so to make it up to him bought him whatever latest expansion of Lords of Legends or Legends of Lords or Kings of Kingdom or whatever they're called. Emperors of Empires. Such stupid fucking names they come up with for those things. Almost as bad as car names."
"Don't tell me you broke up with him because he was playing a videogame ?"
"Eleven hours a day he's at work, right ? Gets out of the house before eight to 'beat the commute', which I don't think any man to date has managed in spite of all the trying. He certainly never did. He's back at six, half past six, with that long zombie face and ten mile gaze. Buncha good for nothings."
"He was paying the bills, wasn't he ?"
"Such paying! He had that derpy converted studio pretending to be a condo, I don't know if you remember..."
"Sure, your birthday party."
"Don't remind me! I've never been so humiliated in my entire life. The very idea! Try and invite people to that atrocity, so we'd be packed like sardines in a converted shipping container."
"It wasn't so bad. If I recall he even made you cake..."
"Did you get to try the thing ?"
"Well no... I don't think there was enough for everyone."
"God damned Ethan. Anyway, so Saturday comes around and I tell him I want to go out, and he's mumbling something or other about a raid with his guild and shit."
"So obviously I asked what's more important to him, his fiance he's not been marrying for over a year ? Or the dumbass game he just got last week, "
"You were engaged ?"
"Yeah, he proposed last June."
"I had no idea."
"Well no, I wasn't about to go around telling people. Who the hell would marry Ethan. If we got married, would you have been impressed ?"
"Why would I be impressed ?"
"See ? My point exactly. Anyway, so I told him he either takes me out and shows me a good time or it's over, and he said just a minute baby."
"And you just left ?"
"I didn't just leave. I threw a hissy fit first."
"With the packing and the tears and everything ?"
"Sometimes I almost think like I miss all that shit."
"Hey, at least he missed his stupid fucking raid."
"So who's the new guy ?"
"This dubious dweeb, Josh. I was hanging out with Sabrina and the gang, there's that new Japanese restaurant at the mall, have you seen it ? P F Jang ?"
"I don't think so."
"Anyway, we were there, like six of us, Jasmine and some chick from her work -- I think they've got something going by the way, she might be switching sides -- and he came over to our table and asked if he could borrow me for a moment."
"That's... brave ?"
"We were pretty well sake'd up by that point, so I went, and he told me all about how I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and so on. So I gave him my phone number, and we went out a few times..."
"How's the sex ?"
"Oh, I don't know yet."
"Ah, all this just happen ?"
"About six weeks ago."
"So what's the impediment ?"
"He has a porn addiction. I told him, either he stops looking at women in that way or we can't do it."
"How do you know he has a porn addiction ?"
"I checked his browser history. What, I'm simple or something ? I know how to check."
"No, no, you're a very complex and sophisticated woman."
"So you're just never going to do it then ?"
"Eh, I figure give it another coupla weeks, then get drunk or something. What can you do ?"
"There is something you could do, but I'm just not sure it's the right thing for you."
"What is it ?"
"Well... do you know what a cock cage is ?"
"A who ?"
"There's this metal bit, goes over the penis, locks behind the balls so they can't take it off. Prevents unauthorised erections see, you can't get it up with it on. So unless one has the key..."
"... he can watch all the porn he wants. Shit! Where do they come up with all this stuff ? Let's see here... oh my god! It totally looks like a little cage. Where do you come up with all this BDSM shit... Oh, I'm sorry, how did it go, love/rape relationship ?"
"Don't worry about it. They're not the same anyway."
"Anyway, I'll have to be going now..."
"Where're you headed ?"
"I'm off to the gym. John likes negress ass and by god I'm gonna build him one."
"But you're a white girl."
"Race is a purely cultural construct."
"Isn't that going to take a lot of work ?"
"O yeah. And it burnssss."
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather elope ? We could I dunno, run off to Acapulco or something. Just the two of us."
"Aww, that's awfully sweet, hon. Thanks. But today it's five years since I've been John's thing."
"So you have something planned ?"
"Nope. I don't know that He specifically cares, either. But Ima bake a cake."
"What do you mean, bake ?"
"You know, bake bake."
"What, like with an oven and everything ? From scratch ?"
"Of course. Flour, eggs. Baking a cake."
"You're amazing... I wonder what I was even doing five years ago..."
"Fair to say you were with some guy..."
"Yeah, but which..."
"Anyway, I have to run. It was great seeing you hun."
"Yeah, you too!"
"Talk on pyske or whatever."
"Yeah... catch you later."
"So how are things with you and John ?"
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