Esteemed James L. Caldwell...
The honorable judge stood up from his tea and lumbered up the stairs with some difficulty. The stairwell became ever narrower with each passing year, correspondingly to the judge's growing satisfaction with his lucrative position. A judgeship! Now that's a job a man can do and enjoy! Being a judge! It even says so - honourable! That's right! Excellent.
He sat down at his desk, heavy curtains beside opened just enough to let some light and the impression of the pond inside ; he reached into the pile of letters his servant had prepared out of the day's offerings and began to read.
Esteemed James L. Caldwell,
The case of Menderschmidt vs Hurr registered in your docket is the unforeseen result of the draft of a literary piece which, being carelessly left among business papers on my desk was picked up by my clerk and erroneously filed.
I would be eternally grateful if you'd kindly strike it, and have your clerk inform any inquiring parties an unfortunate name coincidence may have alarmed that as far as anyone knows no suit with the particulars is currently being either prosecuted or contemplated.
Please accept my most sincere assurances of my high regard for your highly esteemable character,
John H. Konqwist, esq.
The judge furrowed his brow. He proceeded to read the piece again, his slow, wet gaze snailing along the lines. Esteemed. Shouldn't it be Honourable ?
He paused to reflect. It should be Honourable, shouldn't it. Then again you could change it, especially these literary types, they hate repeating themselves. Of course, he repeats esteemed. Hm.
The judge furrowed his brow again, and cleared his throat for good measure. It should have been Honourable. But then again you can change it, although one really shouldn't, but in any case it should be for something better. Esteemed's not better than Honourable.
Is esteemed better than Honourable ? The judge paused, his eyes lost out the window, through the slit in between the two heavy drapes. They curled back around like two overgenerous buttocks. Esteemed isn't better than Honourable.
The judge frowned outright. It really should be Honourable, not this esteemed, what in God's glory eternal is this "esteemed"! A shameful display. A deliberate provocation, and an assault on the dignity of the judgeship. Total scandal!
As he sat in his chair by the window, while his brain slowly digested the first letter in the pile of the day and his stomach slowly digested the penultimate or antepenultimate meal in the lengthy string of the day, the judge's anger seethingly grew. He reached for a sheed of writing paper, but then thought better of it. Such miserable insults aren't worthy of reply in the hand of an Honourable judge!
He reached for the paper again, and changed his hand again before his fingers could fetch the sheet. Maybe he should have Bill the butler write the letter. But then no doubt that literary fancy nancy will chuckle with all his friends at Bill's penmanship. The conundrum of governance, thought the Honorable James L. Caldwell to himself, is of such nature that the enemy perpetually forces upon you the dilemma of whether to engage him with your best men and waste their lives in meaningless engagements with loudmouthed provocateurs or else engage him with your very worst and have him claim superiority in all sorts of fashionable, feigned ways.
The judge's healthy red was turning into splenic apoplexion, especially around the temples and the bridge of the nose by the time Bill came up to announce dinner's ready. Cursing in his mind, at the cook and that Konqwist wonk and Bill himself and everyone else, the whole nonsensical world conspiring to ruin the ease and quiet enjoyment of a respected, which is to say Honourable man, the Honorable James L. Caldwell stood up from his desk and lumbered down the stairs with some difficulty.
