"Now for those of you who don't know me, which is... all of you... my name is Lacie Pound. And, believe it or not, I am one of Naomi's oldest friends. Hi, Nay-Nay! It's great to meet you too, Paul. I've heard a lot about you. He's a pretty big deal, that Paul. Pretty big deal. He makes his own tapenade! Yeah. Uh... Anyway, um... I... have looked up to Naomi pretty much my entire life. We met when we were five years old, and right up through to our teenage years, we made quite the pair. We'd talk about all the things girls talk about, you know, boys, hair, products, uh... more boys.i I mean, I tried sometimes to expand our range a little and talk about climate change, but she found that kind of boring so... She was probably right. I mean, fuck the planet, right? Whoo! Yes, thank you! Come on. Let's have a little fun here. You know, fuck the planet! Anyway... I... looked up to Naomi pretty much my entire life, which meant she was looking down on me. Always with a smile though. In high school, she was my shoulder to cry on. She seemed to enjoy that. Guys and me never worked out. They'd see Naomi and just... Whoo! You know, that was it. She had this tight ass, like two fists. Uh-huh. I was all like... I was like... through the hallways in high school. And she was there for me. Holding my hair back... as I knelt, vomiting, in front of the crapper. Thank you for that, Naomi. I always wished I was you. And... I guess that's why you kept me around so long? Until you got your new job and your fancy new friends. And that... that ...fucking... jackhole! And you didn't need me. You probably got another me. Guess there's some other "yeth Beth" you moved on to like a succubus. I'm getting to Mr. Rags, okay? Jesus! Stay back! Stay the fuck back! I'll kill him! I'll cut his head off and stick it up my ass! Time's nearly up! I... I just wanted to say, in this world so caught up in our own shit, let's not forget what matters.ii It's okay. It's okay. Happiness, fucking Paul and Naomi, and she's... she... She fucked Greg! I know she did. I know you did. Don't even try to deny... The little girl who, when we were just five-years-old in art camp, started talking to me and helped me make Mr. Ragsiii. He reminds me of you and what you meant to me then! And I'm so honoured to be here to see this shit! I love you, Nay-Nay! I've always loved you! I love you!"
"Now now Lacie, where are you going baby ?"
"Nice going, showing up here with mud in your hair and all... what the hell is that on your face, even ?"
"But you're not done yet, are you ? Nice dress, by the way. Did you make it yourself ?"
"Now take it off. Show these nice people just how pudgy you are underneath. Come on, come on, don't be shy, off it goes. That's a good girl. My my! What is with that stomach fat! Seriously, you go around like that ? Do you even work out ? Like, I mean, at all ?"
"Y...yes. Yes I... I... I run. And... and I..."
"Don't bullshit me, you filthy little slut. You don't run. Do you ? You don't run. Tell everyone here what a filthy liar you are!"
"Right this instant!"
"I... don't run."
"It shows, baby. When we were fifteen there was this lanky goof that kept following her around. Before you know it, they did all those stupid things low class people do, promised each other dumb things and held hands and who knows what else. It was ridiculous to watch, like, almost adorable it was so boring. You haven't changed at all, Lacie! Ten years and you haven't changed a bit. Well, except for the lard, but really, and I tell you this from the bottom of my heart : it belongs on you."
"Yeah, you. And don't you ever change! You're really good at what you do, honestly, and there's no reason to suspect you'd ever be even remotely good at anything else. Everyone has to find a gig in life, and being the puke at the party may just be yours. This pudgy 1.1 that shows up uninvited at high class weddings to show off her animatronic belly fat and saggy tits steel mesh can barely contain. Would you like to take off your bra too, show everyone what great udders you got under there ?"
"Careful the straps don't pop, then, while you tell them about Greg. Remember, how it went ?"
"Remember, that time I came to your house, and Greg was there, and I said..."
"You... you said..."
"What did I say, Lacie ?"
"You ... you... you made me... take my clothes off. Everything. And then... and then you asked him..."
"No, first you had to turn around."
"And while we did it in your bed, you had to do calisthenics the whole time. Remember ?"
"But remember that time when you had to do with the bottle ? Remember that ?"
"I... I... N..."
"Would you like to show the guests what you had to do with the bottle, for Greg and I, back in junior high ?"
"N...Naomi! P... please Naomi!"
"There's a reason I'm up here and you're down there in the mud, you stupid asswipe. Now get the fuck out of here, we have things to do."
The problem with black mirror is that they spend half an hour building an elaborate set-up which they ultimately have no idea how to put to use. Which is why it's on netflix.———
- Don't blame the creatives - if it's not changed in three millenia it's not changing in the next thirty years either. How far in the future do you want a couple of mass market tv screenplay writers to see ? [↩]
- Apparently, being Kirsten Wiig is all that matters. [↩]
- And kick-up dust. Yes. Because there is no imago available to you people that doesn't reduce to Elliot, your matrix, your hero, your archetype, your everything. [↩]