So there were once, recently, in a place nearby, three very good friends. They had gone to school together, they cut class together - then went to college together and to their first hiring interview together and even after that they met weekly for a beer together in some cosy neighbourhood pub or other.
And so the days passed, making up weeks and the weeks making up weekly meetings where they had a drink together and talked together and then went home apart, but met again together the next day at work.
One day, one of the friends bought himself a goldfish.
A few months later, he took hold of an axe, and crashed some furniture around the house, and was arrested because the neighbours reported the noise. So his friends bailed him out, and over the emergency drinks in the emergency meeting in the ordinary bar they questioned their very grim looking friend.
- What the hell got into you ?
- I dun wanna talk about it.
- But why not ? We're your friends!
- Because you won't believe me and you'll think I'm insane.
- If you can't trust your friends...
- Fine. The goldfish told me ...
- See ?
- No, no, I'm sorry. I thought you were making a joke. Mute as a goldfish, right ?
So eventually they promised and convinced the stern looking, and he told them.
- The goldfish told me my father tried to fuck it.
- But... wasn't your father dead for twenty years ?
- How do you fuck a goldfish ?!
- I have no idea.
- So when would this have happened ?
- I don't know.
- It doesn't make much sense, does it ?
- I guess not.
The helpful friends assured him that clearly he must have misunderstood something, first owing to the plain impossibility of the situation, and second owing to the sheer insanity of the whole scheme. Seriously, who fucks goldfish ?!
After that, life for the threesome carried on like before. The incident was quickly forgotten, until some years later, when another one of the three bought himself a parrot - and a few months later he took hold of a sledgehammer, and crashed some furniture around the house, just like the other one.
His friends bailed him out like the other one, and sat him down, and lined up shots, and it came to light that
- The parrot kept saying my father tried to fuck it.
- Ahahaha what ?!
- I have no idea what the fuck, must have been some insane previous owner or something.
- So you went after it ?
- Ah, no, just... man it's fucking impossible to keep your focus while the stupid bird keeps going on like that. I was trying to drive some nails but got my finger for the fifth fucking time, so I threw the hammer away, it went through the window and landed at the feet of that old bitty living across so she called the police.
- You're telling me!
The one that once had a goldfish murmured something inaudible about pets, the other loudly proclaimed the nonsense of parrot speak, and the recently liberated man kept his eye on the drinks.
Until one day, later on, when the third got himself a wife. And then, not many months after that they had to bail him out, because he and his living-in father got into a heated argument and someone's skull got cracked - please notice the neutral, fact of the matter narrative thank you. At the same bar, the same friends, fixing their drinks.
- She told me dad fucked her.
- What ?!
- Regular, like, even since we got engaged.
- Oh so you got into a fight ?
- Nah. I don't believe her.
- What do you mean you don't believe her ?!
- Why would dad fuck her!
- Man... she's hawt!
- Well... not like he has a girlfriend. He's not that old is he ?
- He isn't but that's besides the point.
And so the man who once owned a goldfish and the man who once owned a parrot sat with their drinks and contemplated the means of meaning.