A modern lovestory : Ioan Niculaie & Diana Guresoaie.

Wednesday, 25 November, Year 7 d.Tr. | Author: Mircea Popescu

I come from a world very different from any world you're familiar with, especially if English is your first [and only] language. Circumstances exceedingly convenient just provided me with a usable chunk of life, which allows me to producei for your benefit a very informative slice of my originating culture. I feel obligated, consequently, to take the time and go into detail. The result, while lengthy and involved, and while necessarily not a complete storyii, is guaranteed to go all the way to the root of the tree, which should be something.

Before we proceed, we must lay down some groundwork.

Ioan Neculaie is what they call there "om de afaceri", ie "man of business". He is not, pointedly not, what you'd call a businessman. The term is used in its own context to distinguish him from the alternative, which would be "mafiot"iii : they both denote elder men in a position of power, the difference being that the former is a man of the system, with no significant resources outside of it, whereas the second is a man from outside the system, and with significant resources outside of it. Otherwise, they are both expected to be well connected with a bevy of corrupt politicians.iv

This particular fellow, born in the 50s, used to own Romania's truck factory, and a football team associated with it, but he "lost" it a few years ago, and a year later was convicted (suspended sentence, of course) for doing something or the other to the land of another such businessman (Ioan Olaru). Amusingly enough, there exists an entirely identical guy whose name is Ioan Niculaie, who owns some ex-state farms with significant capacity. This last Ioan (Niculaie) is according to Forbes the third richest Romanian, with a fortune estimated at ~10% of MPEx float or thereabouts. The Ioan (Neculaie) we're discussing today is not nearly this notable, which is to say not really notable at all.

Diana Guresoaie is a young woman, which in Romanian would traditionally be "fata mare", ie, "big girl". You can't call her that, however, because of the implications of virginity that traditional term carries, which would be plainly insulting to the more urbanized sort of Romania that replaced the pure agricultural society of the 1700s. She is approaching the end of her shelf life, with the horrifying status of "fata batrina" ie old maid looming quite threateningly. Under these circumstances she is working her ass off to make something of herself while her window lasts, for which reason she carries my unreserved respect.

Here she is :


And to put that visual into perspective, here's a title culled from the Romanian version of fashion/scandal ragsv :

"Stramba" lui "Dodel" a pozat aproape goala pentru Showbiz.ro. In plus, "a doua bomba sexy" a lui Cristi Tanase a dat detalii picante despre fosta lor relatie.

The title says that Dodel's Hunchback posed almost naked for showbiz.ro + the Cristi Tanase's Second Sexy Bomb told all about their ex relationship. The actual article shows the woman atop a chair in lingerie, which... you know, "almost naked". The interesting part is however the nominative formation. So, the woman is X's Y. Traditional Romanian names worked exactly like this, famous pre-WW1 novelist Ion Creanga's name was, as far as anyone who knew him was concernerned, Nic'a lu' Ştefan a Petrii, which is to say, "the Ioan of the Stephen of Petra", ie, that Ioan who is owned by a Stephen [his father] who is owned by Petra [the wife].vi Obviously modernity puts some pressure on this system, but it adapts, structure intact. So what if men don't keep one wifevii but a bunch of girlfriends ? X's Y and Z's K!

How would you like living like this ? By the time you're done with highschool your name wouldn't be Jane Doe anymore, as much as Mike's Bitch, Joe's Swampthing, Rakim's Hotbunzz and Adrian's Hellraiser. Yes, those would be your names. What is this "one name" thing ? And if you were even marginally sexually active, it'd take longer to write down all your various names than it'd take to eat a meal! Then comes college...

Fun, huh! Now hurry up and get married before you're actually worthless - you don't live in America where the government prints money to keep you fed. No, none of that, you live in reality, a reality where $100 a month is good money you might not be able to get, especially not once you're out of your 20s. Get crackin'.

Romanian Secret Services are an establishment of humor maintained on public funds, whose principal if not outright only activity is to wiretap everyone's phones, go through the mess and feed the choicest bits to the press. This is seriously discussed in the Romanian language in a few articlesviii, written by me for Trilema, and nowhere else. This has also yielded the famous Sorana - comedie bufa intr-un act, as far as I know the only dramatic creation in the Romanian language this millenium worth the name. It describes the adventures of a schoolgirl, her best friend, their parents, their pimp and their true loves. It's pretty good, and it certainly explains how "secret services" work in Romania and to what purpose.

Exactly in that same manner, they leaked some transcripts of private conversations between the two aforemnetioned, in the broader context of a large prosecution of "prostitution", which is to say young women exchanging sexual favours for food and petty cash. Seeing how this is absolutely and universally the mode of behaviour in that place since forever, well supported by a culture which to this day maintains that walking away from an erect penis is immoral for a healthy womanix, and seeing how the only thing not participating says about you is that you're ugly and unwanted, the "prosecution" for lolz and press junkets limited itself to "famous" women, which is to say these desperate girls appearing on the (incredibly cheap) Romanian television shows for a coupla hundred euros per two hour session.x

That should be enough to set the stage. So we have the older guy, the young woman and the whole chain of chronic masturbators with the telephoto lens trained on them. Ready ? Action!

NI: Yes, Guresoaie!xi
DG: How goes ?

NI: Yes.
DG: We left, so you know, listen... what do you think, she's driving me nuts this one that she... doesn't... want... everything. But you'll convince her or I dunno, Ima stick my cock in the lot of emxii, I'm sick of them....

NI: So then don't come, leave her there.
DG: Uh ? Eh, you'll convince her, may the devil have her, what, didn't you convince the other one last time, you take her with your gab.

NI: Gab ?
DG: Which you have, better than mine.

NI: Yeah.
DG: Cmon, you'll like her, anyway...

NI: Yeah...
DG: Don't worry. What, what is it... tell me ?

NI: Eh, I don't want her coming with demands, that she's coming, that she's...
DG: Huh ?

NI: I'ma.... I'ma smack her a coupla.
DG: Eh hell, you gone mad or something.

NI: Myeah.
DG: Now I'm almost at.... we're a bit from Ploiesti.

NI: Ah, you're talking with her there ?!
DG: No, no, I was in the gas station, I've only climbed in the car right now.xiii

NI: O yeah ?
DG: Yeah, listen, we talk when I get home, we talk at your place.xiv

NI: Alright, call me when you're in Predeal.
DG: Alright, kisses, kiss kiss.


DG: I've just got here, we're entering Bucharest, entering the gas station, went in for a little, some water some things.

NI: Fuck you in the ass...xv
DG: All these broken promises, fucking my ass and stuff... for how long! My cock!xvi

NI: Well, if you bring... big horses like this.xvii
DG: Well I... how would I know you like...

NI: It's... hers, the car ?xviii
DG: What... yeah, yeah.

NI: She pissed me off at first, didn't you see, then I went and fucked her without condom.
DG: Yes, yes, she came back spent.

NI: Yeah, there's a ton of work to do with herxix, yeah, she's prettier than that one, not quite the bubble butt, but...
DG: But her face's the best!

NI: Yeah, yeah!
DG: Ain't it ? There you go, I'm glad you like it and you're satisfied... was a hard trip, we were left without, it loses brake fluid somewhere, said the guy at the garage...

NI: That you're losing it somewhere ?
DG: Yea, seriously, no joke and this...

NI: And you're sticking more liquid in now or what.xx
DG: Nah, I came in to get water and what else I need and I'm going home, I'm beat. We've ordered some food and going to eat.

NI: Through the phone ?
DG: Aha.

NI: Good, might I eat that cunt of yours.
DG: Good, might I eat [your cock]xxi, god damned, how are we going to, damn it.

NI: Damn it.
DG: Yes.

NI: No, no, this one's good, lest it turns out like those, like that one.
DG: This one's better, didn't you think ?

NI: Lest she's like that one, what was her name, Ramona....
DG: No, no, no.

NI: You know what I mean.xxii
DG: I know, I know, you can be at ease on that score.

NI: Yeah ?
DG: Don't worry, yes, yes, no, no.xxiii

NI: Yeah, that one when she gets drunk she fucks whoever crosses her path.xxiv
DG: Yes, what, not quite like that, you're exaggerating.

NI: When she gets drunk she stops thinking, you know what I'm saying.
DG: Eh, it is truexxv, when she drinks she no longer... I'm not like that.

NI: No, no, you aren't, because you don't drink.xxvi
DG: No, no. Not really. Well when it comes to drinking...xxvii

NI: I was speaking of something else.
DG: Yes, yes, not at all. Drinking, no good ?

NI: Who, woman?xxviii
DG: This machine here....

NI: We see what we do about it, and with those, that one she works with.
DG: Yes, yes, it'd be better during the weekend, so that no... if I leave at 4 pm I can't make it, if I leave at two you realise, if I leave at 4 I've peeled the penis.xxix

NI: Yeah.
DG: I've peeled the chestnut.xxx

NI: My cock, listen, don't tell that one you're coming over.
DG: No, don't worry, I know how to sort my things out.

NI: Then I'll tell her I'm in love with her, irredeemably.
DG: Alright listen, I'm going into the car... there's no way to get in, look at this idiot parking, I can't get into my car!xxxi

NI: No room ?
DG: Listen, honk! (she is talking to someone nearby).

NI: My god.
DG: Hey, set this down, Anda please, fuck their dumbass mouth!xxxii

NI: Go towards our cock, but what, where, you leave her home or what ?
DG: Yeah, she lives next to me there in the Complex, same building.xxxiii

NI: Mkay, tell her to call me when she gets there.
DG: Yeah, I'll tell her, kisses.

NI: See ya.

NI: Where in your mother's throat are you!
DG: I'm at the manicure & pedicure...

NI: Ah, you can't cuss, might you pull my...((Cockskins, necessarily.))
DG: No, no, no, I must speak nicely.xxxiv

NI: What the hell are you doing with that phone, it's scratching my ears.
DG: What are you doing my love ?

NI: Not your love....
DG: I'm supposed to speak nicely!xxxv

NI: You bring me cunt by the trainload and... I'm your love ?xxxvi
DG: Well since you don't want to be, just mine...

NI: Forever...
DG: Waht would you have me do with you, if you don't want...

NI: In 10 years you leave me behind in the house and go fucking.
DG: Eh what 10, 5.

NI: 10 is too much, huh ?
DG: Myeah.

NI: 10 I could almost see you could get away with...
DG: If only I could still get away with it.xxxvii

NI: Yeah, but I'm also not wood drift off Bistrita, in 10 years...
DG: Yeah ?

NI: I'll still be cool.
DG: Still cool, uh...

NI: Even if you think you're cool.
DG: I am... cool.

NI: You are, yeah, because if I weren't around who'd have eaten the flour.xxxviii
DG: Myeah, you're pretty cool, seems we found each other.

NI: What can I tell you, outta sight.
DG: Outta sight, what's going to come of this...

NI: A piece of shit, what the hell else.xxxix
DG: Nothing, obviously.

NI: Ah, bring Friday, that one, over here.
DG: Aha.

NI: What do you think... that she's going to Iasi ?
DG: Yeah, she's told me, she told me last night.

NI: Might I stick my penis in her dead predecessors.
DG: She told me last night she might be going, her mother called, I was in the car.

NI: Yeah yeah yeah.
DG: And she was saying she's getting plane tickets.... she has money now... she can go to her mother.

NI: Yeah, let her take the plane, if there is one.
DG: What ?

NI: They fly daily, these ?
DG: I haven't a clue, that's what you ask me ? No idea.

NI: Myeah. Well if she had... Ramona's ass... she'd be a piece of a piecexl, Diana!
DG: Well... make it.

NI: Fuck that, I've stuck tits on one before and...
DG: And ?

NI: And fixed her teeth and then we broke up...
DG: So ?

NI: My girlfriend, she was, I fixed her teeth, I bought her a Range Rover, yeah... go get fucked, what are you doing to that phone, it's pissing me off.
DG: Yea, I'm not doing anything, I have no idea why it sounds like that. Probably wiretapped.xli

NI: Eh, hell, what can I tell you. Yeah.
DG: Yeah, they're listening in to me doing my nails.

NI: Yeah, this so that... it's worth it, she's not going to give you a good name, she's worth it.

The thing goes on forever, there's other discussions of the girl with her friends, more with this dude, on it goes.


  1. Term of art. []
  2. This means, it's not enough for you to go "I know Eastern Europe now" or pass muster to be a spy there. []
  3. Also does not mean Mafioso / made man / mobster or any such. If you will, a fantastic ethymology would be to say it's created off the root that gave Mafia by adding the suffix that went from "idea" to "idiot", ie -iot. (By the way, this is Greek in origin. Because yeah, that's what the modern Greeks did : took Ancient Greeks and made them Greekiots.)

    For a good discussion of the "mafiot" trope, see In criza de modele... ; for a good discussion of the "om de afaceri" trope, see Moartea ca o veste buna inter alia. []

  4. To vindicate any delusions of superiority you might unwarrantedly harbor : your own businessmen are converging towards this mean - Eastern Europe has merely been here for much longer than you, that's all. It's advanced down the path of progress, in point of fact, as a factual, historical matter, far further than your dreams ever went and yes, "progress" is really decay. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you. []
  5. The difference between Romanian magazines and what you'd expect is amply discussed in Trilema, because it is such fertile ground for so very much derision. Some choice titles : Operiatiunea dulapul ; Power Fashion - editorii care au revolutionat moda ; Jurnalist = labagiu. [DOVEZI] ; Preocupari sanatoase in presa ; Momentul delicate ; Tabu si contextul de aur ; Indescriptibila Academie Catafailencu ; Continut sexi pornografic, nu intrati! []
  6. Before you read too much into it - there were many schemes in actual usage during the oh, 2-3000 years of settled, contiguous, latin-speaking inhabituation of the present lands of Romania. What this particular scheme denotes is probably that Ioan came to settle in the village where Petra had been born, rather than the other way around, so the possessive line simply traces the WoT relationship : owned by his father whom we know from the mother. []
  7. For fear of public opinion ie, "gura satului" as well as out of sheer necessity given scarce resources at the time. []
  8. See Functia asiguratorie a blogului ; see A t-spea dosariada etc. []
  9. And for good reason, see Erotoghid pentru femeia adulta. []
  10. You think I'm kidding ? I'm not kidding. That's what they get, and it's usually in cash so they don't have to report it, which already led to convictions for a number of TV producers, such as for instance Orlando Nicoara. []
  11. Her name, like the name of so many Romanians, is very amusing - in this case it would be "VeryBigmouthed". Literally, she's Diana Verybigmouthed. Of course people use her last name, military-style. []
  12. See the Romanian insults discussion. No, it's not jarring for a female to discuss penile activities, it's an abstract artform, alright ? []
  13. Doh. You know for a fact like he knows for a fact the girls been talkin'. []
  14. It's bits like this that I find utterly endearing. The girl would like to have a home. Who wouldn't ? But she doesn't. Well... what's to do ?

    Not much, but she's doing it. []

  15. It is unclear what this means. It could be very derogatory. It could be congratulatory - yes, it works as such, I've used it as such. It could even be vaguely elegiac. Nobody fucking knows on the basis of written vernacular Romanian what anything means. []
  16. In this context saying "my cock" is just a superlative for the foregoing. []
  17. Big horses is good in this tarot. Roughly the equivalent intension of "cooking with gas". []
  18. Now we know it was congratulatory. []
  19. I think he means sexually. []
  20. Yeah, this is Old Man Derp's idea of being all edgy and shit. And the girl puts up with it, because... Because who the fuck else can afford to pay for gas ?

    See also Sa facem o regula. []

  21. They're not very expressive and kind-of abusing the flight envelope of the minca-ti-as construction, but that's ok, it's made to take a lot of abuse. Basically what they're doing is a bit of oral camaraderie on precarious means.

    You know, like life. []

  22. What could he possibly mean ? Clingy ? Gold-diggy ? Not that many options, are there. []
  23. Perhaps the most disconcerting aspect of spoken Romanian to the foreign ear is the propensiety to repeat negations and affirmations in complex strings that nevertheless to the native speaker appear meaningful. []
  24. Ah, who knew! His problems were actually Donald Sterling's problems, the woman failed to correctly enforce the male hierarchy he wanted her to enforce!

    See, Romania is part of the West now! Srs! []

  25. You know what this "it is true" is ? Because you've read it before, right here on Trilema.

    He does the moves to educating her, she submits, willingly. To their joint misfortune, he's not actually good enough to have anything much to impart, but his inability does not change the structure of life just like his impotence does not change her anal elasticity.

    Broken promises and, to quote,

    Impossibile, capisci, vivere vicino a un cosi sporco, cosi finto! Ho creduto de salvarmi con lui, ma poi ho capito che era peggio di prima. Che cosa me ne faccio io de su denaro si devo lavorare ancora in cucina. Lo sai, tu, che cosa sia un uomo vecchio ? No puo' imaginarlo.... no puoi sapere che cosa sia par' una donna vivere con un uomo vecchio. Tutte le volte che me tocca con quelle mani grasse. verei metar'mi a urlare.


  26. Lulz of all time. Of fucking course she drinks. She just doesn't show him. []
  27. "Sa ma transform in telina, si sa ma infig in pamant, pana la rame. Nu, fara rame." []
  28. "Fa" is a mildly derrogative address, "woman" in the vocative as it were. []
  29. Romanian penii are uncircumcised. To retract the foreskin means to fuck up, somehow. []
  30. No fucking idea what she's on about. []
  31. Yes, it's that bad. []
  32. The latter part is an imprecation not an indication. []
  33. They live on campus, because that's all the rent they can afford to pay.

    And yes Mz "this is about building a home here" : my expectation of your building a home there is that you live in cramped quarters with all the other whores your age.

    Not only I mean this literally, but you have literally no option in all this - get crackin'. []

  34. "A vorbi frumos", ie, "to speak nicely" is what boring people do, for the record. It may be excused on occasion, just like the girl may be excused from speaking English momentarily because she has to earn the bread somehow, but otherwise... it's degrading.

    It is. []

  35. And wouldn't it be nice...

    A girl can dream, can't she ?

    Well ? []

  36. Doh. []
  37. He fears the world, she fears the world, both have excellent reasons to fear the world, yet the bubble doesn't pop, they don't join, intimacy is impossible.

    Doesn't postmodernism suck ? And I don't mean, "suck" like that famous flea. []

  38. Yes, he's directly insulting, which is particularly eggregious seeing how the driver is his own insecurity and the weapon of choice is absurd - not like he made anything whatsoever himsef. []
  39. I tend to agre with the man. He knows everything he touches turns to shit, and he's right. []
  40. Gypsy-style superlative. []
  41. Secret Service of lulz and comedy goldmine, I tell you.

    What, you think yours is any better ? []

  42. Amusingly, my stories are usually criticized for not being credible and lacking in realism by the very Romanians in question. Do you know why ?

    Because they've agreed one must "speak nicely" in writing. And so... []

Category: Zsilnic
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5 Responses

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  2. [...] von Tasnady, who was a Hungarian girl named for a Romanian town that lost a miss Europe contest and made a coupla films before finally scoring her marriage and disappearing forever into the biofilm. The story is very [...]

  3. [...] of having to do the least possible work while enjoying the maximal possible sexual exposure to rich men. For similarily situated girls in Latin America "criminology" serves as a ready equivalent, and [...]

  4. [...] level and at the other level. No more "jobs" and no more "workers" => no more "society" ; no more "monogamous" "partnerships" => no more "family". Altogether no more of any of the crap. Deal with it, and fuck [...]

  5. [...] which you don't, the "It girl" was how Brits called economically worthless females on sale, the Diana Guresoaies of this world. As the name implies they do tend to have big mouths (and correspondingly [...]

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