For Capitalism!

Friday, 31 October, Year 6 d.Tr. | Author: Mircea Popescu

Her Do you want me to scrub your feet with my new crab guy?i
Me What crab guy !?ii

Her The new crab scrubber guy I bought!
Me You know actually, what a crab would really like would be like a crab friendly sauna or something, a place where people could stand but so as not to crush him, and he could go along and eat the dead skin off their feet.

Her Would he like that ?!
Me Well a crab eats dead things.

Her But putrefacting dead things! Like corpses!
Me Not necessarily putrefacting, that's more like, you know, alcohol in the fruit a bear eats. Sure, it's there, and he eats them as they are because it's what there is to eat, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind a trip to the grocery store, get merely slightly fetid skins and stuff.

Her Eww.
Me There could be say... a bus! With a little space underneath full of crabs, and people had to go barefoot on it. Like spa busiii, no shoes, no fare. And the crabs get to eat all the calluses and blister skins and whatnot off people's feet.

Her So who'd run it ?
Me The crabs could run it! They could hire a driver and everything.

Her Hire a driver ? And pay him in what ?!
Me They could pay him in money! They could make plenty selling fresh crab meat to the restaurants.

Her What ?
Me Yeah, they'd sell themselves off to make soup, pay for driver and gas, move bus around, collect barefoot people, eat dead skins.

Her But... how are they going to choose who to sell ?
Me They just sell the biggest one.iv

Her Isn't this sad, they'd have to eat to get big but that bigness only meant they'd get to be sold into soup. Why would any crab do something like this ?
Me For capitalism!

So there you go. Say what you will about it, it is still way the fuck more sensible and together than the various "libertarian countries" and whatnot.


  1. Don't ask. []
  2. She usually does it with her teeh. True story.

    Yeah, I know you have pumice stone. Fuck you, I have slaves. []

  3. Same chick went with some friends to a spa, she was naked, they were carefully cuntdressed because ohmaigawd if cunt molecules touch anything else it may cause a tragedy or something! []
  4. Logically, since the attribute that correlates with pay is size, they optimize for size. []
Category: Cuvinte Sfiinte
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9 Responses

  1. OR they could sell all the calluses and blister skins to the crab restaurants where other crabs come to dine and only accept cash as payment...

  2. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Friday, 31 October 2014

    But where would those other crabs get the cash ? See, mine is a complete economic system. Yours is just an entreprise.

  3. Concerned Crab`s avatar
    Concerned Crab 
    Wednesday, 5 November 2014

    They choose the largest one to make the most money, but this would cause each crab to attempt to be as skinny as possible in order to save himself from being slaughtered. As a result, the bus patrons' feet service would suffer, since eating more skins means that one becomes a bigger crab. This would cause sales to suffer and possibly harm the system.

    On the other hand, if they choose the smallest crab, the incentive to eat more skins to avoid being chosen would cause an increase in fuel expenses due to increased weight of the workers.

  4. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Wednesday, 5 November 2014

    Well... it's complicated, because getting bigger also increases one's chances to get laid (or whatever crabs do).

    Maybe they should simply choose the most concerned one ?


  6. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Wednesday, 12 November 2014

    I think the crab has it!

  7. The Sheropatist Crab
    The Sheropatist Crab's Club 
    Wednesday, 31 December 2014

    What a snapping idea!

  8. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Wednesday, 31 December 2014


  1. [...] who think dancing naked for ten dollars a day is "beneath them", and for the people who think they're not crabs, and for so on and so forth. Nobody was born with an ironclad guarantee in his hand that he won't [...]

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