Her The new crab scrubber guy I bought!
Me You know actually, what a crab would really like would be like a crab friendly sauna or something, a place where people could stand but so as not to crush him, and he could go along and eat the dead skin off their feet.
Her Would he like that ?!
Me Well a crab eats dead things.
Her But putrefacting dead things! Like corpses!
Me Not necessarily putrefacting, that's more like, you know, alcohol in the fruit a bear eats. Sure, it's there, and he eats them as they are because it's what there is to eat, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind a trip to the grocery store, get merely slightly fetid skins and stuff.
Me There could be say... a bus! With a little space underneath full of crabs, and people had to go barefoot on it. Like spa busiii, no shoes, no fare. And the crabs get to eat all the calluses and blister skins and whatnot off people's feet.
Her So who'd run it ?
Me The crabs could run it! They could hire a driver and everything.
Her Hire a driver ? And pay him in what ?!
Me They could pay him in money! They could make plenty selling fresh crab meat to the restaurants.
Her What ?
Me Yeah, they'd sell themselves off to make soup, pay for driver and gas, move bus around, collect barefoot people, eat dead skins.
Her But... how are they going to choose who to sell ?
Me They just sell the biggest one.iv
Her Isn't this sad, they'd have to eat to get big but that bigness only meant they'd get to be sold into soup. Why would any crab do something like this ?
Me For capitalism!
- Don't ask. [↩]
- She usually does it with her teeh. True story.
Yeah, I know you have pumice stone. Fuck you, I have slaves. [↩]
- Same chick went with some friends to a spa, she was naked, they were carefully cuntdressed because ohmaigawd if cunt molecules touch anything else it may cause a tragedy or something! [↩]
- Logically, since the attribute that correlates with pay is size, they optimize for size. [↩]