The Aundies

Continuing the glorious tradition of giving away great ideas just for the asking, Trilema is today proud to present you...

* drumroll *

THE AUNDIES!

What are they ? Well, simply put, the aundies are undies that hurt.ⁱ

You could have the common models available everywhere now, with seams in the wrong places or a tendency to uncomfortably bunch up as beginner level, entry items, but why stop there ?

This is capitalism, you never want to stop there. Go further! Think outside of the boxⁱⁱ! Break the limits, revolutionize undergarments, sitting and the whole social understanding of pain and comfort! Be a star, even if it takes a crooked walk to get there!

So : chemically doused underwear for your discomfort, anything from an one inch thick layer of recrystalised salt to a good helping of menthol or capsaicin trapped in slow-release synthetic fiber arrangements. Baby shark teeth hand-embroidered into the fabric so that there's absolutely no way to sit without getting a tattoo. Fleas trapped in little plastic celullar designs so that they can not get out but can bite if you get close enough. Solid metal underwear, with locks and perhaps even a sharp tooth or two - let's take back the iron maiden!

Underwear made out of genetically engineered bacteria, making a super-icky very disgusting slime that adheres to your midsection - and perhaps even digests periods. Underwear made out of electric eel skin, kept alive and irritated by technology. Underwear made out of Lego cubes.

The possibilities are truely endless once the problem is well specified as you can see.

And if you imagine that such a thing "could never catch on"ⁱⁱⁱ, "would never be successful" and "nobody could sell that", allow me to disabuse you of your naive notions right here and now. For one, Bitcoin caught on. For the other, do you have any idea how many dorks that've not got laid in the prior six months would crowd the Aundies shop just to be able to for five minutes live the fantasy and promote the pretense that they have such a kinky girlfriend they're aundies shopping for ? To sell, to promote and to succeed you need to understand molerat crowding and social behaviours, not the objective reality such as it allegedly may be.

They'll sell.

1. And to make it perfectly clear, they're no owndies, awndies ouchdies etc etc. They're aundies, because that's what you say when you get hurt : Au! It's a Romanian thing. (From that glorious land where dogs go "ham" and roosters "cucurigu".) [↩]
2. Did you know box in this context means vagina ? [↩]
3. Incidentally, here's a cute snippet from a meanwhile deceased blog that popped up during research for this article :

   some end-of-year thoughts. female pain is bad. all of it. all things that cause female pain must be eliminated immediately, and at the top of the list (because these are the easiest) are the things we have the immediate power to change.

   The blog died. In the author's words, the idea'd be that

   it seems to me that at this point, there is very little to be gained in comparison to what is being lost and what it is costing me (and “us”) in continuing down this road. to wit, modding a high-volume, priority-target blog has always been a chore whose cost is only outweighed where there are plenty of good comments coming in, inspiring new work. spinning and spiraling, in other words. where comments are down for whatever reason, modding and otherwise maintaining this space becomes very costly. thats not the only issue, but it is the final issue for anyone who is interested in analyzing cost/benefit, which i obviously am.

   So in other words, "wah wah here are the various deluded stupidities I wish recognised as true and real" ; "wah wah upholding stupidity and delusion in the face of truth and reality is expensive and I don't get paid to do it". Let the record show that female pain is harmful in excess, but fundamentally pain is both the only educative factor in the life of the female as well as the only possible avenue to sexual maturation. If you manage to somehow (ad absurdum) insulate a female from pain you will end up with a little girl of arbitrary age, with droopy tits and crow's feet on her face, aged (still) 9. And she will, of course, be a feminist. That doesn't help anything (as seen from the fate of the blog) nor is it an excuse for anything (as seen from this comment). [↩]