Two hands

Two handsⁱ is another one of thoseⁱⁱ. In it, some retarded pixie history can not remember, for she's not a woman, puts out the magical cuntbeam and smites the guy that (from what I understand) made a passible Joker in some TV series.

The whole thing's terri-bad to MST3K standards of bad, starting with the worst credits Tommy Wiseau could've ever dreamed up. There's cool metal effects for the names making them look like they're affixed to old Pontiacs against utterly inadequate caption font atop explosions and cheap revolvers being pointlessly discharged like industrial machinery. What gets across is a fascination with method worthy of retarded bois, the sort that long outgrew the magical moment in time yet never will actually manage to make the leap. I think Elliot might've liked them.

The rest of it is... well. The "mobsters" from Sydneyⁱⁱⁱ get casually wiped by an ambiguously sexed fifteen year old, just like that. Before it, the retarded popindai^iv manage to foul a ten dollar pistol through liberal application of powder detergent in a domestic setting, get beaten to shit by the intended victim while yakking like dumb cunts about their criminal past and, to peaktop it all to hell, hire random kids to courier peanuts to unknown women paying five percent. It boggles, I've never heard of bullshit this thin in my life (which, unlike yours, was actually the, not to mention a, life).

The trainwreck bills itself a comedy, though if you think back to what was coming out in the late 90s... actually, that thought might be the only chuckle availabe in arid Shittystralia.

1. 1999, by Gregor Jordan, with whatever. [↩]
2. Shit, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. No fuck, because the whole thing's been produced by an unholy alliance of highschool viceious principals, nigger "case-workers", and "concerned members of the public" (momentarily not employing their time towards cruising highway trucker stops looking for anonymous if sweaty gay sex -- true story) to the exacting standards of insanity their own factitiuous worldview imposes upon fiction. It used to be called soviet bullshit outside and "socialist realism" inside ; but since the soviets collapsed it can't possibly be the case they've won, so "we" can't possibly discuss any of that.

   Honestly, the old stakhanov nonsense was a lot better than this v2.0 rehash. [↩]

3. To be perfectly fair : for all I know this might actually be very accurate depiction of the sad island & its sadder islanders. I mean, they go around calling their ridiculous copycat scrip "bucks", what the fuck. Wake up and smell the coffee, convict island : calling your furrency "dollars" because that's what the US groked of the lowenthaler may be ok for you, "we're just like them only smaller" ; but you can't also import their slang along with it! They may be "Australian dollars" in the sense your "open marriage" is Schmuck's harem, but they sure as hell ain't ever gonna be slats, sawbucks etcetera. Not your history, geddit ? [↩]
4. Spermophilus citellus. Chew on that for a minute. [↩]