The Skin

Sunday, 04 April, Year 13 d.Tr. | Author: Mircea Popescu

It is ironic that the deratization of the New World ended up revolving around the same natural resource as its colonization had, a few brief centuries prior -- but then again irony is the only certainty of life, and so the centrality of Bos primigenus in both processess (or rather, The Process, and its unbeknownstly necessary if ulterior unwinding) should perhaps be deemed at most exemplary but certainly unsurprising.

In centuries past the cowskin's capacity to insulate its contents allowed the safe carrying of pemmican, and therefore the projection of that context's semblance of human will far outside the narrower limits other approaches would have imposed, thus after a fashion uniting sea to shining sea. Certainly that march of seemingly manifest destiny'd have not had a space wherein to be evanescently yet firmly perceived in the time and place but for the rut the taureaus had drawn for generations aforehand.

In present times the same cowhide's capacity to insulate its contents allows the elegant disposal of varmints, through a widely favoured process known simply as intubation. This quick and easy (not to mention ironic) approach to reclamation revolves around a prepared animal hide, which is pumped full of air. The preparation consists of little more besides sowing the edges together tightly and shellacking the seams, as for a wineskin ; two nozzles are attached at the relevant ends of the originating animal, generally compressed brass.

After inflation the captured native is firmly secured to the hide, usually by sown leather straps across the wrists and ankles. The face is covered by a standard issue gas mask, whose tubing is plugged in the respective nozzle, whereas the other nozzle is tubed all the way into the varmint's rectum (very large affixion plugs seem to be universally favoured ; there is some dispute as to the ideal order of the proceedings, namely if the muzzle should go in first or last -- a dispute colloquially referred to as "whether they should yell in the bag" and variations). The assemblage is usually set to floating.

Reportedly some varmints are practiced enough in the unlikely skill of swallowing -- and passing! -- air, such as to extend their post-affixion lifespan considerably ; nevertheless the average Skin's generally done moving by nightfall, and that's all.

No, really. That's all.

Category: Cuvinte Sfiinte
Comments feed : RSS 2.0. Leave your own comment below, or send a trackback.

2 Responses

  1. I think Burt Plantcaster's been whispering to you in your sleep....

  2. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Sunday, 4 April 2021

    Nom-nom-nomifications (& mummifications/ramifications).

Add your cents! »
    If this is your first comment, it will wait to be approved. This usually takes a few hours. Subsequent comments are not delayed.