I vs you

Let me put it this way : we go through a lot of toilet paper. I'm sure there's lots of hotels going through less toilet paper than we do. But come to think of it this has nothing to do with anything, so... moving on.

mysqlⁱ> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " I ", "0123456789 I 0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";ⁱⁱ

+---------+
| count |
+---------+
| -91757ⁱⁱⁱ |
+---------+
1 row in set (32.59 sec)

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " I, ", "0123456789 I, 0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+-------+
| count |
+-------+
| -201 |
+-------+
1 row in set (1.28 sec)

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " I. ", "0123456789 I. 0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+--------+
| count |
+--------+
| -14382 |
+--------+
1 row in set (13.30 sec)

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " I'", "0123456789 I'0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+-------+
| count |
+-------+
| -8326 |
+-------+
1 row in set (1.43 sec)

So that's a good & healthy 114`666^iv calls to this enigmatic mystery wrapped in a riddle of an I, over the course of a good meaty decade. It sure as heck comes out to more than once a day, and more than once an hour, it's frequent enough that's for damn sure.

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " you ", "0123456789 you 0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+--------+
| count |
+--------+
| -42272 |
+--------+
1 row in set (2.16 sec)

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " you'", "0123456789 you'0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+-------+
| count |
+-------+
| -6741 |
+-------+
1 row in set (1.39 sec)

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " you,", "0123456789 you,0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+-------+
| count |
+-------+
| -1672 |
+-------+
1 row in set (1.28 sec)

mysql> SELECT SUM(ROUND((LENGTH(post_content) - LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " you.", "0123456789 you.0123456789"))) / 20)) AS count FROM posts WHERE post_type ="post" and post_name not like "forum-logs-%";
+-------+
| count |
+-------+
| -2139 |
+-------+
1 row in set (1.32 sec)

Whow, check that out! 52`824 grand total, you don't come up even to half of I! But whodda thunk it (not I, honestly ; I started this exercise fully expecting to see the mirror opposite result)!

Apparently I don't live to serve, and I don't think so much of my "fellow" man. Will the surprises never cease!

1. The reason I bother with all the quotage, by the way, is that if I should discover sometime later that I made some mistake (as I often do), I don't also find myself in the idiotic position of having presented some bare magic numbers on credit which I now have to just as arbitrarily modify. I can instead point, specifically, and correct, meaningfully. Which pre-emptive attitude and depth-defensive approach is why my mistakes cost me next to nothing while you consist of nothing besides yours. [↩]
2. The "traditional" (ie, pasted all over the googlenet) solution (namely LENGTH(REPLACE(post_content, " I ", "") ) ) / LENGTH(" I "), ad idem like that) is stupid, because why the fuck should I have to use yet another LENGTH call, and especially for an assigned variable ?!

   Yet everyone endlessly, thoughtlessly, mindlessly copies and pastes and copies and pastes and copies and then pastes AND THEN COPIES AND PASTES the same god damned exact SAME GOD DAMNED EXACT string. string. string. string. string. string. Fucking hell! 0 variance, 0 variation, 0 variety. Nothing. That thing's not even perfect or anything! It's just their god damned "consensus", pointles if fuckwitted meatuomatons, they've picked it, they're sticking to it. What reasoned, what conclusions ?

   Yet why! Why the fuck are you even here in the first place, bunch of pointless, witless, regrettable momma's bois ? How the fuck is it possible you ALLLLLllllLLLLLllllLL "agree" on the same shortsighted nonsense, God forsaken sad sorry excuses for humanity that "just want to be good" and "do the right thing" and just fucking drink bleach already. Bleargh. [↩]

3. Oh look! Negative numbers. Hurr. [↩]
4. Notice the beast in there ? I've always known you've always "I knew it!". [↩]