Erik and other stories
"What the hell happened to you ?!"
"You won't believe if I told you."
"Ok, so I ask the damned idiots, 'if there's three crows on a line, and I shoot one, how many are left ?' and, of course, nobody says peep one so I eventually have to call on Erik."
"Erik Sofofloufakis ?"
"Oh, man... Hand up waving in patterns and everything, right ?"
"Right. 'In the unlikely circumstance...' "
"Nuts. That's an exact quote, too. Isn't it."
"It is. 'In the unlikely circumstance you can actually shoot a crow from far enough they stay on the line rather than fly off laughing,' he says, you know, with that accent on 'you'"
"I keep wondering what his parents do."
"'then there will be no crows left because one crow's dead and the other two flew off.'"
"So what did you say ?"
"What the hell could I say ? I said I was looking for two for an answer, but I like the way he thinks ?"
"And do you ?"
"The way's alright, I guess. It's the volume that gets obnoxious."
"Preach it, sister."
"So then, he says, 'Now let me ask you a question. In a classroom there's three little girls, and each has a lollypop. One little girl is nibbling her lolly, another little girl is licking her lolly, and the last little girl is sucking her lolly. Which one is married ?'"
"Holy mother... he actually said that ?"
"That's exactly what he said."
"So what did you do ?"
"I figured it's better if I answer and move on."
"So what did you say ?"
"I said 'the one that's sucking her lolly ?'."
"And then he said 'no, the one with a ring on her finger ; but I like the way you think', did he."
"That's exactly what he said."
"He's been doing it all morning."
"He has ?!"
"Someone should do something about that kid."
"Mrs. Banks took him to the principal's office earlier."
"O really ? What happened ?"
"He spent the remainder of the period talking poor Mr. Whitehead in circles. 'He only does it because speech mannerisms aren't that far off from speech impediments, and what is this i-like-how-you-think nonsense.' and things like that. 'It is entirely devoid of notional content' and 'he comes to school for the exact opposite of that activity' and on and on."
"Someone will have to break down and suck him off."
"They're third graders!"
"The rest of them are. Erik is from an army experiment or something..."
"I bet you he won't even be interested. Something as pedestrian as a school blowjob, the indignity. He's probably into BDSM or some shit..."
"What's that ?"
"When they tie the girls up and beat them and things like that."
"That's a thing ?!"
"Of course it's a thing, look it up. B-D-S-M."
"Do you... I mean..."
"What do you think."
"Can I... I mean... maybe... sometime..."
"I'm going this Friday, there's a club about an hour."
"Do I... I mean do you have to..."
"Nah. You can just look around or whatever, hang out."
"Maybe we should take Erik too. Just stuff him in the trunk."
"No way. They'll freak ; and besides -- he'll probably break the trunk, too."
"In an hour ?"
"Plenty of time. Besides, I don't want the worlds colliding. I only started going because of that damned kid..."
"Yeah, really. Rosie asked some highschool kids if they knew what 'altruism' is named for within Erik's earshot, so in the silence he came back with 'but do you know what masochism is named for'."
"So I had to look it up."
"Oh hi girls. What's new ?"
"What's new with you ?"
"Oh, you don't wanna hear."
"Sure we do."
"My boyfriend's boss... you remember my boyfriend, right ?"
"Yes Ray, we remember your boyfriend."
"How could we ever forget."
"His boss is a total asshole, right ? So last week he tells Johhny, he says 'Look, I gotta have your ass. Here's what we do : I throw a grand on the floor, you bend to pick it up, by the time you're done I'm done.'"
"Wow. The balls on that guy..."
"I wish someone said that to me, actually."
"Sorry honey, he's not into girls at all."
"So what happened ?"
"Well, we talked it over, you know, and I was like 'so tell him two thousand dollars, and make it real quick, he won't even have time to take his pants off, that wanker'. Right ?"
"I know that now. Anyways, so Johhny goes to work Friday like normal, then he doesn't come home by six, like normal. Or by eight. Or you know, it was getting dark. So I call and he's all panting on the phone, you know, and grunting, and I'm like 'Loverboy, what the hell happened ?!'"
"What did he say ?"
"He says to me, he says, 'Nickles and dimes, Ray. Nickles and dimes, that's what happened.'"
"And to think, it was your idea to make it two thousand."
"I know, right!?"
"Anyway, I have a period now. And thanks goodness it's not third grade. See you guys."
"Did Erik do something again ?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Hi Ray. Anna."
"What's new, Jo ?"
"Oh, nothing much. We went to the art exhibition yesterday, Peter and I."
"Anything good ?"
"There was this striking painting, three men on a parch benk. Completely stark naked."
"That's modern art for you."
"They were black, though."
"That's not what's interesting. I'll tell you what's interesting : the guy on the left, he had a penis up to his knee, all black. The guy on the right, also up to his knee, also all black. But the guy in the middle..."
"He had a white guy penis ?"
"Well, I mean it was also up to his knee, but yeah."
"We'll have to go see this."
"So what happened ?"
"Nothing happened, we read the note. Apparently they were coal miners, the three guys, on their lunch break."
"And the guy in the middle ?
"He went home for lunch."
"I thought it sounded like a set-up."
"It's a setup alright, but the painting's there, see for yourself."
"Ok you guys, I have to go call Johnny."
"What, he's still not done yet ?!"
"Done doing what ? Who's Johnny ?"
"Oh hush. See ya."
"So what was he doing ?"
"Nothing, nothing, he wasn't doing anything."
"You never tell me anything. I always tell you everything. What am I, minced meat over here ?"
"Ray just thinks Johnny might be having sex with his boss, is all."
"Oh, really ? Why would he think that ?"
"You know Ray..."
"Oh by the way, I read on the internet there's a massive epidemic going around, but it only affects men. Especially younger men, it seems."
"Wow, what ?!"
"Yeah, the main symptom is penises turning orange."
"You and penis colors, what are you, a penile symbolist ?"
"No, it's real. They project that unless the economy recovers or the internet goes out, in another five-ten years most penises will be completely orange."
"Orange and tasting vaguely of cheetos ?"
"By the way, did you hear Mary quit ?"
"No, which Mary ?"
"The big black girl, curator."
"Oh ? No ?"
"Yeah. Apparently they had to let one of the two night curators go, and Mr. Whitehead said to her 'I can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off'. So she got upset and told him to get some vaseline, she doesn't need the crummy job anyways."
"That Mr. Whitehead."
"I don't think he even figured out what happened."
"Oh, but did you hear he expelled Stacy McAllister ?"
"Eleventh grade, pretty girl but always in those Canadian lumberjack shirts ?"
"That's the one. She was caught red handed -- masturbating during period."
"Oh, that's just..."
"Hey there gals!"
"We were just talking about you."
"As a matter of fact, we were."
"You know what Mary told us ?"
"No ? Did she tell you something about me ?"
"Yes, she said you told her 'Nothing is better than sex.'"
"I did not!"
"And then you continued 'but masturbation is better than nothing, and so...'"
"Lies. Lies and slander. She just quit, that's all."
"Oh, Mary quit ?"
"Yes, she and her boyfriend were going into business and she just didn't have the time to come nights anymore, is all."
"What kind of business ?"
"Catering something, I don't know. Anyway, I've got to go"
"See you, Mr. Whitehead."
"How could you say that to him!"
"Hahaha. Did you see his face ?"
"I just hope he didn't see mine. I could barely hold it in."
"You're actually much better at that than you give yourself credit for."
"Oh really ? Thank you darling! What a nice compliment."
"Look who's coming!"
"Brenda! How are you darling."
"Hi girls. I'm... it's just terrible."
"What's terrible ?"
"Today was my first day back in the office."
"Yeah, how's the baby ?"
"Fine, just fine. Alex' mother has him most days so I can come to work."
"It's the opposite of nice. It's terrible. The seniors are starting on the application forms, and good god... you know what Shwoyneeaqua did just now ?"
"I can't imagine."
"She shows up, with a sex:M circled on her form. I'm all 'honey, you have to circle the F, you know ?' and she comes back with, hold on to your butts, she says 'I would love to, but I'm single again'."
"That girl ? Priceless nothing, more like fiddy bucks."
"What! It's true, ain't it ?"
"Even if it is..."
"Dumb bitch is making more than I do."
"But she doesn't get any satisfaction from her work."
"Don't say that. It's just too depressing to think about."
"Alright, see you Brenda."
"You're leaving ?"
"Yeah, I'm going to take a walk through the park, check the trees for branches."
"Hey, wanna hear a joke ?"
"Sure Jo, I would love to hear a joke."
"This man goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, you gotta help me!'. The doctor says, 'What's your problem?' The man says 'Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole. I give the missus a sound trashing, then I'm off to work. On the way to work I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife. She either sucks it off or just rubs it all the way there. Once I get to work I do some things but then by morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one or the other of the young hussies there. They got some fine pieces of ass office girls where I work, let me tell you. For lunch I take my secretary out to eat at this hotel restaurant we always go to and after the meal I give her a good seeing to upstairs. Then on the way back from work I usually stop by the boss' house and fuck his wife nice and slow. Then go home and usually slip the maid a few inches... I like to do her while she keeps on working the vacuum or whatever. Then at night I give the missus another screw...' The doctor interrupts, "'What is your problem?' 'Well', the guy says, 'it hurts when I masturbate.'"
"Haha. Not bad."
"I'd like to meet a guy like that."
"I think you must meet seven dwarves first, and maybe also a wolf or two."
"Oh, already met those."
"By the way, did you hear about the new study ?"
"It found that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. But do you know what the other 20% do ?"
"No, what ?"
"Heh. I figured you'd ask."
"Oh... oh, you!"
"But do you know what's long and thick and hard and has cum inside ?"
"That's right, A... A... cucumber!"
"Stop, stop! You're making me blush."
"How's it hanging, Maurice ?"
"I just came back from the hospital..."
"What happened ?"
"Well, you remember Sheila ?"
"The girl you weren't going with ever since she was a sophomore ?"
"Yeah, what happened to that girl ?"
"We were married. Two years ago."
"Oh. That's... nice."
"So who's in the hospital ?"
"Oh my god, that's terrible."
"What happened ?!"
"We were in bed having sex a couple nights ago when she turned and gave me this look, you know, and then said 'turn the lamp off and stick it in my butt."
"Didn't work out ?"
"I guess it might've worked out better had I let it cool down first..."
"... next you're going dream you're eating a huge marshmallow, and when you wake up you won't have a pillow anymore."
"Is that what happened to you ?"
"Oh, stop! Just stop it you two."
"He told this joke before, you know."
"I did ? Are you sure ?"
"Yeah. You don't remember, we were at the Summer Mixer ?"
"I'm sorry, I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember."
"By the way, did you hear what Bevelaqua's come up with ?"
"What now ?"
"He's decided he's always been a transleander and so now he's identifying as 'thin'."
"Thin according to whom ?"
"That's what I want to know!"
"Anyway, I have to go."
"Yeah, I'm off too."