Bring It On

Bring It Onⁱ is... well, obviously, what the fuck could it be, teenage (female!) homoerotic softcoreⁱⁱ with a blonde and a brunette. They're cheerleaders. Things and matters! Problems! Check out the high kicks!

Enough Kevin-Spaceys-in-American-Beauty watched it to produce low nine figures in salesⁱⁱⁱ, two or three direct-to-video "remakes" (including none of the original cast, because variety is the principal sexual need of the male) and the arguable status of a cult classic. Can you believe it ?

I enjoyed it myself because of all the groans it squeezes out of the girls I like to fuck^iv. They're evidently aware of it, and have been, for many years ; they evidently thought about this thing, as fifteen year olds, and as nineteen year olds ; they evidently remember those thoughts. Through this mediation it's quite the fun bedtime piece, for me. Can't say I actually went through with the whole thing, though -- kinda lost interest when it more or less became obvious the plot pivot ain't gonna be blonde subbie going to the East Compton Redskins^v' den and, after kneeling an' suckling on the thirty-year-old^vi's toes a while offer for her entire set of teens to anilingus the shit out of East Compton's butts & braless^vii, thereby leaving Albanian-fathered exotic dancer / vampire slayer to find her.. place in the... world, so to speak. Does she want to join blonde subbie in subby-ing ? Did she think they had something special going ? Is she gonna set out to find her own East Compton, so that in another decade (if she's lucky ?) a later version All-American Mainstream Slut suckles her toes, bearing awkward offers of butthole kisses and ass-snorted happiness ?

I've seen much worse better films than this not even bad terrible film. Everything's in the company you keep^viii, you realise this. Do you ?

1. 2000, by Peyton Reed, with Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku [↩]
2. Very softcore. They push the envelope as much as they know how, but the tank tops ain't never coming off, painted on as they may be, on they stay. It's like comic book rules for some reason, in 2000.

   Not merely the visuals, either. The moves, too! Imagine this : the Toros (from Carne county!) cheerleader team holds tryouts, where a top shelf stripper shows up, does her stuff, yet they don't sign her. Not because she's not good -- she's evidently way the fuck better than anyone there -- but precisely because she's too good. They're good like fifteen year olds (Dunst was 18, technically, but this is what retardation's all about : being almost 15 at 18.5) while the stripper's good like nineteen year olds are good. Never the fuck ever will these twain meet!

   Then at some later point they're both in bed, and it's obvious they're gonna experiment. The blonde got into the brunette's car on first call earlier, notwithstanding they just met. Now she's in the brunette's bed. She's definitely there to be told to kiss muff, she's licking her lips in anticipation already, but... well, what can they do, push Buffy otta da closet ?! There's this misfortunate dood with hemiparesis they keep throwing in to "balance things out" that nearly dies strangled in electric guitar cables, better be good emuff. [↩]

3. BOM only lists 68mn, but they're wrong. [↩]
4. And because I kept hearing "Torn Shippment", which you must admit is a funny name to give one's daugther. [↩]
5. I have no fucking idea why, but the token black girls were drafted into playing American Indians in this thing, Pocahontas with dual US & German citizenship came to steal their ancestral lands. It's pretty fucking weird, do you suppose the average UStard actually fails to distinguish one set of We Waz Kangz from the other ?! [↩]
6. What, you didn't realise Gabrielle Union was born 1970 ? Awww! You really thought she's eighteen, didn't you.

   Dork. [↩]

7. Butts & braless is well know hip-hop/ebonics for "best and bravest". [↩]
8. Speaking of company, have you seen the wikitardia entry ?

   she learns from Torrance's offended and passionately defensive reaction that she was completely unaware

   Torrance, crushed by her failure to lead the team successfully, considers quitting.

   Cliff encourages and supports her, intensifying their growing attraction.

   and so following, all the way to queers.

   In the finals, the Toros place second, while the Clovers win. However, after the Nationals, Torrance and Isis find respect in each other.

   Can you believe they stole my anilingus routine by the way ?! [↩]