Tales de todo bien

I don't think it can be readily explained, or for that matter readily understood, just how genuinely nice, just how utterly good these people calling themselves "ticos" actually fucking are. Not in this language, at any rate.

There's the obvious things, like it's pretty much enough to stop on the side of the highway, blinkers on, for three or four motorists to stop forthwith and inquire if indeed "todo bien". What, cause a crash by suddenly coming to a complete stop on the freeway ?! Who would do such a thing! To them! They merely stopped to make sure todo bien!ⁱ Or that time when I had the car stopped off side of road (to take pictures) and then it turned out the ground was muddy and we were stuck. Within five minutes!!! the locals had cordoned off the road, enrolled some guy with a serious biznis pickup truck to pull Mr. Bartholomew back on asphalt and waved us goodbye within another five. Or that time when I had a flat tyre and a coupla guys sharing a woman (she was the one's sister and married to the other) stopped on the side of the road so guy-in-a-suit doesn't have to do the jack work.ⁱⁱ

But all this still fails to convey. Consider this aspect : over 1`300 peopleⁱⁱⁱ were scammed this year by (foreigners) calling them up, pretending to be from the bank, and letting them know todo no es bien. Tico cutie pies will gladly tell anything, their pin, card number, mother's maiden birthplace, whatever, to the nice gent on the other end of the line. Just as long as it's todo bien again! And why not ? Why wouldn't you ? See ?

They're so fucking kind, you have to understand, that whenever there's a road narrowing (and there's plenty of those), the dead lane moves faster -- much, much faster -- than the straight lane. Because they will, they fucking very well will, let anyone pass in front of them. Even assholes, perhaps especially assholes. In this country, the correct driving strategy is to drive up along a half mile column and then put your blinker on. It's not that they'll let you in within less time than it'd have taken you to get there in the column. It's that they will, factually, let you in within 1.something cars. Not two. Isn't this fucking outrageous ?

Earlier today, driving by one of their mini-malls (you should see these three level, 50`000 sq ft pies of cute the cutie pies built!) I spotted this girl with an incredible ass. I can not even put it in words, conceivably the ideal butt, projecting a firm round deliciousness a solid four inches away from her spine. Best ass ever, what, so good in fact that I settled the dispute of whether she's working or not ("I've picked up working girls here before") with a quaint, "with assets like that she'd better be fucking working, what the hell else can you do, talent is talent". But we parked nevertheless, and a cup of coffee's later she was rustled out -- sitting in a nearby sports bar.

Indeed there she was, guzzling sweetened lemonade along the greasy chicharron in the local equivalent of Arby's, catbutting^iv into this utter moron on the other chair. This girl, 20 inch waist, 45 inch butt, 30 inch thighs was nevertheless thoroughly delighted to be there and shit! With her incredibly inept looking dude by her side, his hair parted like he was 9 years old. He had a ring on his ring finger. She had a ring on her ring finger. They were the happiest married couple you ever did see, a sight that's entirely not extraordinary here specifically because the woman inhabiting the million dollar body is kind enough to let it all go to waste simply for the (unremunerated, because unremunerable) satisfaction of some 0-value nobody.

They're so fucking egregious they don't even manage to infuriate, it crosses well into aww territory. And besides, they were so fucking happy when they actually managed a coupla goals in Russia...

I have serious trouble perceiving they're in any sense human, however. Contrary to naive notions of "paradise" and "wouldn't it be great!!! once the fucktarded^v mind finally gets around to building their pedestrian utopia", the products of the dullard's naive ideals fail to register as people.

In this country, human pets are fucking real, what can I tell you.

1. They also rubberneck like you wouldn't believe, visible emergency lights on the side of the road are amply sufficient to slow traffic down to a crawl -- but it's not because they want to see others in pain. It's because they want to make sure todo bien, and by god they'd jump out of the cars to fix someone's spine with a screwdriver. They just wanna be helpful, genuinely, and truly, there's nothing else there. [↩]
2. She was quite amiable about it ; they wouldn't take money, or anything else. [↩]
3. This is approaching 0.1% OF THE ENTIRE POPULATION! [↩]
4. You don't know what catbutting is ? Buy a cat, find out. [↩]
5. Aka, socialist, aka pantsuit, etcetera. Because no, there's really no distinction between the stupid, the simple, the "altruist", the "world peaceist" or any other flavour of mass "idealist". Nor could there be. [↩]