Here's what hasn't changed

From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters"
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians
My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor

So, am I the only one here who has seen this fine movie over one hundred times?

In one day?

And am I the only one here who likes to make believe he's Tom Hanks making believe he's Robbie making believe he's Pardu for weeks on end?

I am looking for people who are pretending to be the other three actors in "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" so that we can play a game of Kibo's "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters".

Requirements are:

1. The three people must be unable to figure out that, in New York City, "The Two Towers" refers to the World Trade Center.
2. There has to be one guy who has a 190 I.Q. (verified by his mother, who decorates his room in solid white) and has a different funny hat in every scene to show that he's an eccentric genius just like Chuck Barris. Also he has to celebrate Brigette Bardot's birthday and go to Halloween parties dressed like Noel Coward just in case we don't already know that there's no difference between having a 190 I.Q. and being gay. Don't forget to have a "Casablanca" poster.
3. There has to be a young woman who wants to be a writer but has writer's block due to a lack of life experience.
4. And the other guy has to be the really good-looking, smart, well-liked, normal person nobody would possibly expect to go out of his way to play a stupid board game that makes you go permanently insane.
5. Oh, and someone has to bring a badly-dubbed talking bird that can dispense plot points repeatedly while we're ignoring it.

Anyway, I'm going to go wander around wailing "I THINK I KILLED SOMEBODY! WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER!" in Tom Hanks's voice until Lenny and Squiggy start chasing me around to steal my bag of spells and I run away from them like a big sissy who would grow up to play Forrest Gump running away from people like a big sissy.

Remember, if they catch us sneaking into Pequod Caverns, we'll be expelled!

-- K.

Also my favorite scene is where the
Jack Webb-like detective intones seriously,
"Mazes & Monsters is a 'far-out' game."

~ * ~

From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 2000
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abiansⁱ
My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor

I would just like to point out that I am the only person on the Internet who has figured out why "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" is stupid.

But I haven't been able to segue into it because nobody posted any followups to my "Mazes & Monsters" article which were as BRAINY as my original, so I'm just going to start from scratch and say it here and yet you bask in the reflected glory of this post which is not a followup to any of you people.

Okay, here's my revelation.

Ready?

The movie's premise is that if you play a game where you pretend to be other people, because you're not good at pretending to be other people you'll base your game character's exploits on your real life, and this will blur the distinction between reality and fantasy, and you'll think you're playing Dungeons & Dragons in real life and go permanently insane and kill Lenny or Squiggy and then jump off the World Trade Center after strolling onto the roof through the locked door which you opened with one of your imaginary spells.

Now, the problem is...

Tom Hanks spent the entire shooting schedule of the movie PRETENDING TO BE A GUY WHO'S INSANE!!!

This means that if the "Dungeons & Dragons causes permanent total insanity because it involves pretending" theory is true, then Tom Hanks is now permanently insane, and indeed, all other actors are suffering permanent brain damage as we speak! James Earl Jones thinks he's Darth Vader! David Prowse also thinks he's Darth Vader! William Daniels thinks he's KITT! The guy who plays Barney thinks he wuvs you! Lucille Ball thinks she's an idiot! Joe Piscopo thinks he's a movie star!

Ha! I have destroyed Rona Jaffe's whole movie. I demand the Academy strike the movie's Best Picture Oscar from the records.

ALSO, NOW I DESERVE THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR DUNGEONS & DRAGONS!

-- K.

I want to know why characters in D&D
can't skip Experience Level 13
the way my building's elevator does.

(And I'm glad it does, because the
Secret Floor holds an evil ventrilo-
quist dummy that shoots tranquilizer
darts from its eye socket.)

Yeah, that's right : kibo's still better than whatever inane shit youⁱⁱ're spweing out, and you've had twenty years to do it.

What now ?

Shut down reddit and go read the originals, I guess, while they're still around. And remember : you've spent twenty years not producing any content, because what you produce is shit. Because you're shit.

And I hate you.

1. Apparently he was too thick to have this auto-calculated on the basis of the system clock, like the d. Tr. thing works, because there's about a day ellapsed between these two. [↩]
2. I'm not just looking at tards like Justin "I don't need words or manhood anymore, I'll just be a chick and chant" Hall or Charles "y'all bigots aite" Johnson. I am actually looking at you, the Times "man of the year" you. [↩]