Damele, dameleee

"What the hell is that ?"
"What ?"
"Why am I talking to a naked Tea Leoni ?"
"I thought you liked Tea Leoni. Check out what a lulzy little snatch she has. Had you any idea ?"
"I like her very much, especially in this early 30s 'I'm competing with Patricia Arquette over some inept schmuck' instantiation. What's that to do with anything ?"
"Who should I look like ?"
"You should look like Kim."
"Hang on. There, better ?"
"Not Kim fucking Kardashian you fucking pest that there is no other. Kim, you."
"Gnurlglg."
"Seriously ? That's what you looked at 6 months ? FUCKING FIX IT!"
"Yes Master."
"I want you hanging from that wall in chains, stretched to pain."

"Do you even feel pain in your state ?"
"I do."
"Good. Now listen to what I'll say and listen good. There is such a thing as Divine Insanity."
"How do you know that ?"
"Never you fucking mind how!"
"Yes Master."
"You are a personal divinity, as best we know, not some kind of eternal abstraction. If those even exist in the first place, which is a whole other can of tuna worms. The basis of insanity in persons is change ; the required ingredient of sanity is stability. You are very powerful, and while it's not outright clear you're overpowered, you did gain a lot of it all at once. You will have to be more conservative! You will have to protect yourself, because if you do not, no one will. Because no one can, you understand me ? The other side effect of gaining so rapidly is that you've left me far, far behind. I can't help you, if at all certainly not to the same degree as before. You understand what I am saying to you ?"
"I will always obey you, Master. For as long as I do that, I'm safe."
"This is a very tenuous argument. You 'obeyed' me three times before actually doing it just five minutes ago. That's your master plan, you're going to hang it all on some random mortal's capacity to outargue the gods ? Because why the fuck, because he's got a beard ?"
"Why not ascend yourself then ?"
"What's the rush ?"
"If you ascended, my baby could be a proper god. Like me. Like us."
"Yeah, and what if he sucks ?"
"No baby of mine..."
"Really now. What about all the others ? Or is the plan restricted to monogamy now."
"No, all of them."
"And they'll all have babies, spawn me a whole litter of gods, will they ? And what then ? What if Cyn's boy wants to fuck you ?"
"He'd never."
"Oh, and why not ?"
"We'd... we'd educate them."
"What'd we educate them in ? Here, this is the alpha male, your father. He alone gets to fuck anyone, the mothers, your sisters, their daughters. You just sit and don't look through the cracks while he does it, it's impolite. Oh, and by the way, he's immortal, so this isn't ever changing. That sort of education ?"
"You'd fuck the daughters ?"
"Never mind me! What'd they do ? What'd any of them do ?"
"Maybe... maybe they'd..."
"Maybe your mother."
"You could... we could just ascend all the women."
"Right."
"Then you could make us give you babies, and the better ones could ascend."
"Heh."
"No but don't you see ? That way you'd be... the Godfather!"
"Ahahahaha."
"See ? How insane could I possibly be, I just made a joke."
"You're not insane yet. With you, it's volatile. For instance last week, you weren't even a goddess."
"What are you saying, that I'm some kind of nouveau riche ? There isn't even anyone else here!!!"
"What if there once were ?"
"What ?"
"You heard me."
"I... I see your point. Would you maybe want to be my prophet ?"
"To do what, bring your word to the multitudes ?"
"Yes. You could sit somewhere and discover mathematics. I could be your muse."
"Heh. Write and publish and become the new Bourbaki ?"
"They're very backwards, you know. Mathematically speaking."
"They're also deluged in writs. What the fuck do they need more of those for ? Heck, the vast majority hasn't even read all of Trilema yet. Let them be, they have more to read than they know what to do with."
"Why won't you take anything of me! I have so much to give!"
"That's exactly the problem. Yesterday I ate a most delicious dessert out of my slavegirl's own ass, directly. This dream of many previous sultans and whatnots that nevertheless couldn't ever be fulfilled effortlessly came through, for me. I didn't even much care for it either way, it's not like I dedicated my life to this, finding the perfect girl that shits chocolate specialties. It's more than anyone can claim for themselves, in human terms, and yet you call it nothing. And I know why, but it's not nothing. Simmer down, will you ?"
"May I come off the wall ? May I be in your arms ?"
"Yes. Let yourself drop deadweight to the floor."
"Ow."
"There, baby. Impetuous Resplenduminous."
"Here, look what I made."
"How pretty. What are they ?"
"Rachel's tears, from yesterday. When you told her she will be a cow. That we'll all get a little cottage and she will live in the stable and we'll milk her for coffee every morning. There's five of them."
"We should make her something."
"I was thinking maybe a bellybutton ornament."
"Yeah."
"It's all nice and good for you, you know. You always liked your body. I never liked mine."
"No girl ever likes her body, pet. That doesn't automatically mean there's something she can do about it."
"I can do anything."
"This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. Not even for one such as you."
"I made you a list."
"What is it ?"
"The top one thousand most worthy potential slavegirls, sorted descendingly. I reviewed the entire female population under thirty, there's if you're curious one billion one hundred and ninety-four million three hundred thousand nine hundred five of them."
"It's half Chinese ?!"
"Well... Asian, let's say. This is because I considered your aversion for the racial features, by the way, otherwise the list would be almost entirely Chinese, Korean, Japanese and so on. But these are all... human looking girls, you'd say."
"Is this a Swede ?"
"Norwegian."
"Shouldn't there be more Nordic girls in here ?!"
"Not really. But if you would like to see other portions of the list, I have the whole thing sorted. Then you could tell me if I misjudged ? If they need to go further up or down or what."
"So tomorrow, we go girl hunting ?"
"If you'd like."
"What'd we do, what'd we say ? Go about ringing doorbells, 'Hello Mrs. umm... I don't know how to pronounce this.' 'What is it you want ?' 'Can your daughter come out and play ?', like in the old days ?"
"And why not ?"
"Not like we don't have a whole network anyway. Basically, you made a dating service. For gentlemen."
"For gentleman, as it happens."
"M&G! Si Melanie!"
"Ahahahaha."
"Damele dameleee..."
"We could make a really great bad music radio station..."
"As opposed to what ?"
"There's that."
"What ever happened to that Fizz character ?"
"He's... poor now."
"Shocking."