The Human Latrine Pig

Since Trilema is celebrating September, the Internationalⁱ Month of Women Discarded As Garbage (also known as "back to school" in some portions of the third world) through the likely venue of its header, I thought raising awareness to this eventual fate of the vast majority of women currently alive (as well as actual fate of the vast majority of women who ever walked the Earth) through the description of the Human Latrine Pig (HLP, also rendered 人彘 in traditional Chinese) would be highly appropriate.

The Human Latrine Pig is a great addition to any happy harem. Here's how to build one :

I. Preparing the latrine. If you know what 圂 is then you need no further explanation. If you do not know, then here's a diferently-abled pictogramⁱⁱ :

Therefore, you will need an outhouse, possibly of the previously discussed modelⁱⁱⁱ, out of which proceeds a tube, which splits radially into a number^iv of inclined smaller tubes. At the split there should be a running centrifugal distributor, of model and make left to the preference of the user.

Each smaller tube ends inside a 2.5m x 2.5m x 2.5m room. The walls and bottom are constructed out of poured reinforced concrete no less than 0.1m thick. The top is one solid slab of reinforced concrete 2.6m x 2.6m x 0.2m, which rests on top of the tip of the walls. This slab is not intended to be ever removed^v, so perhaps "gravestone" would be a more proper term. In any case you ought to consider leaving at least .3m for ground cover, and perhaps erecting a small memorial describing the contents, a shrine to Venus Cloacina, something. Remember that our idea of ancient cultures is built principally of stones.

I. Preparing the human pig. The convicted girl is blinded (such as for instance through the Belladonna method, as was fashionable in Renaissance Italy, or however else you prefer), and her femurs and humeri are amputated midway. The wounds are cauterized, if you prefer, or otherwise treated, and large bore titanium screws are inserted axially into the remainder bone, anchoring her solidly in place. The titanium bolts, together with further reinforcement around the body^vi, will hold the girl in position in the middle of her new, and final, home.

Affix an anal ring (preferably, of silver or other noble metal) with a hole diameter of no less than 0.02m to ensure her colon is perpetually in communication with the atmosphere. This will allow all worms or other invertebrates^vii to crawl in and out of her body as their needs dictate, which is always a plus. Similarly intubate the urethra. If you are so inclined, a vaginal pear may also be affixed ^viii - this should be particularly considered if the HLP is pregnant at the time of lowering into her latrinal resting place. A special feeding tube should connect the excrement drop with the girl's esophagus (entirely bypassing any need for deglutition).

That's it, you're done! The nutritional value of human feces is roughly speaking 800 calorie per kilogram^ix. A harem girl could be counted upon to produce no less than 100 grams of the delicious treat each day, meaning that the calorie needs of the (stationary!) Human Latrine Pig would be covered by about twenty girls going about their daily business. These same twenty girls are also supposed to pee well over 50 liters a day, which certainly provides sufficient hydration for the HLP^x.

The oxygen content in 15.625 m³ should be sufficient to allow the HLP to expiate whatever faults placed it in its unenviable position ; but if you think otherwise ventilation for any latrinal cell can be provided through more tubes inserted through the faeces duct - remember that you want to extract hydrogen sulfide just as much as you want to pump fresh oxygen inside. It is of course also possible to provide heating, audio entertainment such as for instance in the shape of the melodious laughter and other audible remains of the carefree life of all the other harem girls who are in heaven while the HLP is in hell (life is so unfair!) and so on.

Eat, pray, love, or how did that ustardism go.

1. Have you noticed how all these are always "internetional" for some reason ? It even holds in other languages, untalented hacks thirty years late to the party introduce themselves as "international artists" and whatnot. One wonders what the common cattle think the word means. [↩]
2. Eighteen centuy old! [↩]
3. If you do make a multiuser round shitter, think about constructing the duct in a conical shape at the top. That way, a wayward girl can experience a taste of the HLP life without having to be actually commited to it, through the simple procedure of being kept in the cone for a day or somesuch. [↩]
4. Can have as few as three, or as many as you wish. The size of the harem and your inclination to mercilessness should inform this design decision. We are discussing a taylored item after all. [↩]
5. The slab will weigh about three tons, so you will need a small crane to emplace it. [↩]
6. Consult a female suspension specialist for a design lovingly taylored to your girl's exact weight, height and other characteristics. [↩]
7. Some prefer leaving a small holes in the concrete walls for the exact purpose of populating it with crawlies slowly over time (but ever so quicker in the HLPs feverish imagination). [↩]
8. Some think it nice to make the pear's opening and closing a gradual function connected to the diurnal rythm, allowing the HLP a method of counting time in her dark, lonely hole. [↩]
9. Average feces are about three quarter water. Of the rest there's a 10 to 20% fat, a 2 to 3% protein, and a healthy dose of various bacteria. [↩]
10. And, should you feel inclined to add magic mushrooms, LSD or similar to their diet - the pee will also provide entertainment for the HLP, allowing it to escape the dreary tedium of its daily life. You know, sort-of like TV. [↩]