Awful offal waffle falafel

Monday, 21 November, Year 8 d.Tr. | Author: Mircea Popescu

Adela was a sophomore in high school and already second in the cheerleading team. Everyone complimented her on the clear, pallid beauty of her flawless skin, predicting great things for the future and maybe even a modelling career.

One Sunday afternoon Adela felt tired after having spent the previous Saturday with her boyfriend, and took a nap.

While napping she had a dream. Her boyfriend was rubbing her breasts together in her dream, getting rougher and rougher. Adela was paralyzed. Eventually he popped her nipples like they were zit heads, and gelatinous blobs of yellowish, foul smelling puss came oozing out until her breasts were completely deflated, skins hanging completely loose like popped balloons.

Adela started screaming, which woke her up. She ran off to the bathroom, and there she discovered her face entirely covered in thick, pustulent acne.

Belen was married and her husband worked in insurance. His name was Miguel. One day while she was doing dishes Miguel came into the kitchen to drink some water and Belen noticed for the first time that he is actually made of gnats.

Miguel was not so much Miguel as rather a swarm of gnats, so dense it kept his clothes puffed up but still, tiny little gnats. Later that day they made love, and Belen found herself impaled by a projection of swarming gnats, buzzing barely audibly while stretching out her inside and pleasurably.

Belen started screaming and her husband Miguel started buzzing louder.

Carmen had a bad habit of cutting her toe nails in a negligent manner. One day, while eating sushi that she had made herself she started choking. Everyone else thought she choked on a stray fish bone, but she could tell it was really one of her toe nails, specifically from the third toe of the left foot. She remembered cutting it quite clearly. It must have become entangled in her blouse and then later fallen into the nori bag.

In spite of nearly choking on her own toe nail in the sushi she had made herself, Carmen continued to cut her toe nails negligently, and so three weeks and nine days after nearly choking on her own toe nail in the sushi she had made herself, Carmen died when a three hundred and nine kilogram toe nail fragment fell on her head and instantly killed her. It fell from the top of the bedroom door where it had jumped at an earlier time, spending the entire interval feeding itself on aphids and other invertebrates.

Despina was identified as a white nationalist by the official press organs in spite of not actually being either white or in any sense nationalist. In fact, Despina was a datura bush, with pinkish flowers and a sunny disposition.

For her grave transgressions and guilt as a white nationalist, Despina was cut down and thrown into the river. The river washed Despina into the lake, and she became caught into the intake grate for the city's water supply. That night, for the first time in many years, the news bulletins made perfect sense to a majority of the viewers.

Florina heard a strange noise on her way home, but against her better nature she didn't immediately drop everything to investigate. The next day she heard the same noise, and so she took her car to the shop, but they said that it wasn't from the car.

Florina took a different path home, but still heard the noise, and became very bothered and distraught. She went to the doctor, who measured her auricular things, and decided she must drink more water.

Florina drank more water and never heard the noise again.

Eleanor is only mentioned here on account of her name.

Gloria masturbated for the first time when she was nine. It was very painful, which she liked a lot. Gloria continued to masturbate as she aged, but it became less and less painful over the years. Eventually her cunt started to produce a slippery juice every time she masturbated, which her mother told her is normal, but which also got in the way of getting a good sore going.

Eventually Gloria discovered that tampons take care of the juice, especially if covered in alum dust just before insertion, and always used really rough woolen and jute gloves to rub herself, but in spite of all her efforts it never got as painful as it was when she was nine and Gloria was never again satisfied.

Hortensia once ate an earthworm while playing with the other children in the yard. The earthworm secreted a protective cocoon in her stomach, and years later when Hortensia died and was buried the earthworm first waited for everything to settle down, then came out of its cocoon and went on about its business.

Earthworms are very patient creatures.

Unknown to her family or anyone else, Ioana suffered from a exceedingly rare condition where all the cells are receptive to spermatozoa and readily create zygotes on contact. When she was 19 Ioana answered a casting call from a pornographic production company, and came in contact with sperm for the first time in her life as three men ejaculated on her body.

Later that night Ioana developed a rash, and by the time of her Freudian Psychology class the next Tuesday, she had entirely disappeared under a pile of aborted three day old babies.

Jasper met a guy but wouldn't suck him off so he cursed her.

The next morning Jasper was with some friends when they all decided to go have a hamburger, but Jasper thought hamburgers are gross and didn't want to go. Then later at home she went to get a bowl of cereal, but she thought milk is gross so she passed.

Then later Jasper passed on bread, frozen dinners, peas and garbonzo beans because they were all gross. She ate a little paper and went to bed. The alarm went off but Jasper passed out and then she died.

Karin had fungus. 'Nuff said.

Lillith was as cute as a cute, fluffy bunny. Unfortunately, she was also an obligate coprophagiac. As you well know, obligate coprophagiacs have no choice but to ingurgitate their mostly indigestible diet, then evacuate it in the shape of a soft stool, then ingurgitate the previously evacuated stool for a second pass at digestion, and evacuate hard pellets.

Being as cute as a cute, fluffy bunny has its disadvantages.

Category: Cuvinte Sfiinte
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6 Responses

  1. a foray into magical realism?

  2. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Sunday, 27 November 2016

    What foray!

  3. Seems I have to reread a lot of articles then... quite the plot twist ^_^

  4. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Sunday, 27 November 2016

    The reader is in charge of the reading as the rider's responsible for the mare and all her foals, each and every last one of them.

  5. Ha, nice! It read like a strange mix between Oglaf and Douglas Adams.

    By the way, what ever happened to Maria, Nelly, Oana, Patty, Quna, Raluca, Sonja, Tanja, Ursula, Valentina, Wanda, Xenia, Yolanda and Zenaida?w

  6. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Wednesday, 30 November 2016

    Hey, you got a blog, you tell me.

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