A guide for torturing cats. Recently voted most likely to psychopath article on Trilema by anonymous and otherwise anodyne Romanian speaking derps.

Monday, 03 October, Year 8 d.Tr. | Author: Mircea Popescu

Because any successful relationship is based not so much on violence itself as on its application in ways that matter, and because various haters who they are, dressed up as bleaters, piglets as well as other animals useful by the house of man-me try from behind and therefore with outrageousi shamelessness attempt to accredit the false notion that I were a mysoginist, which I am not, being as I am a misanthropist, which is something else entirely, I feel therefore the need to offer you this exhaustive guide for torturing cats. Literally.

Afore proceeding in the material, let us note that there's widely spread the opinion that cats were somehow above submission, that they're forever here mastersii where here = everywhere and so forth. These ridiculous as well as entirely erroneous ideas are the direct and otherwise expected result of enfranchising the gypsy slavesiii, untying the jobbagy and other such ill thought acts of past centuries, which has led to the creation of a large class of nominally "free" and theoretically "independent" slaves who nevertheless find themselves in a perpetual quest for masters, willing to befoul themselves even to that nec plus ultram of infamy scl etc.

So, we have a cat. How do we torture it ? By points :

I. The Fur. The cat is very much displeased with anything that impedes the proper ordering of hairs that compose its coat. As such, a strip of duct tape or scotch tape discreetly applied on its back can't help but deliver results. If you are in a particularly negative disposition, do not hesitate to cover its entire tail while it sleeps, producing a rigid cocoon of sticky plastic (something which drives the beast to complete exasperation, which is to say that phase where it runs around the house like crazy and with its eyes closed, banging on anything may cross its path until it dies). You also have at your disposal chewing gum, which has the potential to amuse the animal for many hours while you relax watching a movie, or perhaps cartoons (Trilema recommends : The Aristocrats).

The fact also should not be neglected that the cat has a very fine sense of smell, which does not necessarily fit with human taste. For instance, the majority of perfumes stink, as far as it's concerned, and we're talking here of expensive, quality perfumes that can make their blessing last days, weeks and even years. Just one single drop between the ears (where it can't lick itself) is sufficient to communicate to the cat that it did the bad. For days, weeks and perhaps years at a stretch. If you're in a somewhat sadistic disposition (har har) you can feed the cat one can of tuna in oil before starving it for a couple of days. After eating the oily tuna, it will proceed to wash itself, rubbing in its entire body the oil scented with the delicious fish which will remind it for the coming days that it has naught to eat, and in the process teach it to not act above its station in life. For optimal results eat yourself at a minimum seven or eight cans while it is dieting, and allow it perhaps to lick out the oil.

II. Water. Cats have a strange aversion to water, given how much they like fish. It would appear that we are not the only ones who torture cats, but that we merely follow, humble homo artifexiv as we are the Divine Example.v One of the most efficient methods of exploiting this... quality is, of course, the water gun. Ideally cold, so add an icecube to the reservoir. Bonus points if you manage to hit either its tiny nose or else butthole.

Furthermore, a cat captured in a box with holes, such as for instance those holding dirty lingerie and other clothes until some lost chick gets domestically inclined one morning while you look around for some of that virtual ebony, could be stuck straight into the shower. The opperation is recommended especially for the final moments of the tuna can adventure.

Finally, if you have a tub sufficiently large you can organise the following trap : fill the tub with water and lay comfortably with some goodies on a plate. Hold the plate towards the wall, and one knee relatively close to the other end of the tub, so that the cat is tempted to step from the margin on your knee to reach the goodies. Once she's engaged in the imprudence, remove the knee towards the wall. If you're at all experienced with this the result will be a huge splash, but do not despair. Instead, grab the loofah and rub it with faith and soap. You are of course advised to wear ringmail for this operation.

III. The claws. Every cat is outright proud of its claws, so much so it tortures mice for the pure pleasure of stringing up their guts in the road so as to have what to dangle, bloodly, off its claws. There's an operation called declawing, which consists in surgical resection of said claws. More horrible punishment can not exist for a cat (other than giving it a buzz cut) except if you perhaps also take it to the skating rink afterwards, without any skates.

This concludes my modest contribution to the nascent discipline of cat torturing. In the hope that I was truly useful to you, I wish you a merry time!

  1. Romanian word "sfruntata" is a very interesting case of applying the Italian privative mechanism (sfortunato = fortunato with the privative prefix s, thus "misfortunate") to a Romanian word (frunte is forehead) to denote "something which could not show its face in society" (for the obvious reason - doesn't have one). It only exists as adjective, there's no "fruntata" equivalent. []
  2. Original Romanian references a verse in the (current) Romanian state anthem, something about how "we" forever own "here". National state period, whadda ya want. []
  3. See also Sensitivity! Human Rights! Democracy! []
  4. In this context "homo" does not mean "gay". []
  5. In this context the final stop is also capitalized. []
Category: Trilenciclopedia
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2 Responses

  1. I bet your cats eventually knew how to play every Beethoven piece for the piano.

  2. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Monday, 3 October 2016

    Well, certainly knew better than to fuck around in the wrong way at the wrong time, that's for sure. Cats are very gifted for this learning, turns out.

    Much like women.

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