Autotranslated Spam For The Lulz

Here's the original :

I'm not even sure how to render the monumental piles of involuntary humor in English - you see, Romanian is a very complex language with very numerous idempotent variants, which is to say you can express the exact same thing about fifty billion ways. Obviously the only way people can navigate through such endless fields of possibility is through the same method scientists use : creating paradigms, which is to say perfectly arbitrary and otherwise unjustifiable selections of "right" and "wrong" ways to do things. Machine translation obviously has no chance of stumbling on the correct set, and so the constant, sheer, confounding violation of any shred of a reasonable expectation sends the native speaker reeling into hickups as only available coping strategy.

Nevertheless, I shall try!

Good day, my name is ILLUMINATI BORROWMENTS. I private creditor, that kicks out borrowing to real and legal persons. Have you (formal) been dumped by even this many banks ? You (informal) have need for financing for financing to locate your (formal) business or you need (still formal) emergency financing for expanding your (very formal) business ? Or you [T]ⁱ have need of a credit for personal needs ?ⁱⁱ She-borrow mineⁱⁱⁱ varies from personal to business borrowing. Interest she-rate of mine is 3%, and our process of borrowing is very rapid as well. I am very inclined for her to make all your financial mishaps an item with the characteristics of pastness. If you [V] are truly ready to obtain your [T] financial problems solved, then search no more [V] and apply [T] for a borrow of today. If you [V] are interested, please contact us by email etc.

I suppose I should put them in contact with BTCJam ? Or, and here's the truly important problem, vice-versa ?

1. Romanian, like all Latin spawn, follows the tous-vous distinction, the thing which used to be rendered in English as thou-you, back before everyone speaking the language became a lord somehow. Anyway, the "ai" form of "you have" is the singular and goes with the informal personal pronoun, T, whereas the plural ("aveti") goes with the formal, V. Whereas "dumneavoastra", literally "your lordship", the formal-est form of them all is so very out of place in a text that mixes the previous two... [↩]
2. :-) [↩]
3. "Mea" means "she that belongs to me", as opposed to "meu" which means "he that belongs to me" and "mei", which, other than millet, also means "they that belong to me". It is always used with an articled noun, like pula mea = my cock, cacatul meu = my shit etc. (Yes, this means penis is feminine in Romanian. It is.) which imprumut is not - should have been "imprumutul" (same as cacat-ul). [↩]