Robert Keith Cristopher, Jr ; Matt Sartain ; Kristian Thomson ; Cryptorush : much comedy & lulzgoldmine

It all started as all good things start these days : on irc.

pankkake want to lol? read https://cryptorush.in/index.php?p=faq

And lol we did. Consider :

Crypto Rush strives to help give all coins a chance. We aim to be at the top of the crypto currency exchanges as we grow, we offer low fees compared to other exchanges. We also want to give new coins a chance and have a low cost system to help get coins in. When a coin goes down, users will be automatically alerted via twitter and e-mail and the markets suspended to secure your coins! Thank you for using Crypto Rush!

Crypto Rush started by the owner Kristian in 2014 was originally to be just one market. But soon evolved into more, and even more. Matt joined the team fairly soon into development as co-owner, within a fortnight the basis was written from the ground up with security in mind.

When beta launched, Chris joined the team and helped increase productivity with his skillset.

So what would be that skillset ? Why, allow me to read from Robert Keith Cristopher, Jr aka "Chris" aka Devianttwo's resume :

Summary
I am applying to be a full-time employee at this location. Before moving to Lake City, FL; I worked as a cashier and many jobs in Ocean Springs, MS. This includes 2 years at KFC/Long John Silver as there head cashier. After moving here to Lake City, FL I worked as a DirecTV Technical Support agent at Sitel. I worked there for about a year before moving on to Walmart in Lake City, FL. I worked at Walmart for about a year and I then moved on to work for the Census (US Goverment) for about 1 month. Once I finished with that; I worked as a call agent from home which included taking orders for multiple different companies. I also helped run a company called FragCorner.net which was a game server hosting company for 5 years. I believe that my exceptional customer service record is one of my key qualities that I can bring to you're store.

Objectives
I have worked as a cashier in multiple different places. I also worked as an overnight stock personal at Wal*Mart here in lake city. I also worked as a customer service agent for DirecTV. I believe that all of these qualifications makes me extremely suited for the job. My Objectives here is to do the best possible job and to promote customer satisfaction.

Education
Youth Challenge Program, Jackson, Mississippi
Graduated: June 2001
Grade: GED + High School Di
This was a 21 week Military school for people who wished to attempt to get there GED and/or high school diploma earlier then you could in normal grade school. The catch was if you passed your GED test the first time around you would also be rewarded a High School Diploma. I passed my test the first time around. I was also the flag carrier for my Platoon in our graduation ceremony. I was considered by my sergeants to be the best that they had ever had trained.

Employment History
June 2010 – June 2011: Order Taker
Company: Live-Ops / Self Employementⁱ
Lake City, Florida
In this job I was a contracted agent working under self employment laws for a company called Live-Ops. I took orders for multiple different companies that advertised thereⁱⁱ products on TV.

April 2010 – May 2010: Census Taker
Company: US Government
Lake City, Florida
In this job I worked as a Census taker for the US Government. I went house to house to drop off the Census at every house in the area provided to me. I also had to update the maps to list any new houses and or any condemned houses.

June 2008 – July 2009: Overnight Stock
Company: Wal*Mart
Lake City, Florida
In this job I worked as an overnight stock agent. My job was to unload the trucks during the hours of 10pm and 7 am and break down all the merchandise into its proper isle. After we did that we took the merchandise to the floor and worked our designated rows and stocked the shelves. The final thing that we did at the end of each night was make the isle look good by facing all the products forward and pulling them to the front of the shelves.

September 2007 – April 2008: Technical Support
Company: Sitel
Lake City, Florida
In this job I worked as a technical support agent. My job was to take calls and walk customers through steps to help resolve any issues they may have with there service. I also attempted to sell customers the "DirecTV Protection Plan" and other products that where available depending on what situation they where having. Last but not least if we was unable to resolve there issues we would schedule a service call for a technician to come to there house and resolve the issues for us.

Professional Skills
Cashier – Expert
Typing – Expert
Math & Computer Skills – Advancedⁱⁱⁱ

Hobbies & Interests
In my spare time I like to play video games with my friends. I also like to help people setup multiple things such as game servers and dedicated server machines. I like to program my own scripts to do specific tasks for me.

So now that we're satisfied with the skill set of Chris, let's move on to the basis written within a fortnight from the ground up. Quoth the actual FAQ on the actual site in question :

Q: After placing my order, one of my balances shows a negative figure?
A: The most common cause of this error is due to rounding up or down your order while calculating the amounts you should be getting. In some cases you will have a leftover amount of anywhere between -0.00000001 and -0.00000100. Don't worry, because we fully compensate for rounding errors up to 0.00001000. Leave it for up to 30 minutes, and the chances are it will fix itself automatically. If you have a negative balance that's greater than this amount, then please contact support so we can assist and investigate.

Q: An order has been fulfilled but I did not get the expected amount, what gives?
A: Every care has been taken to ensure integrity between trades on the site. If you believe their is a discrepancy between an amount in your order and the amount you received, then please contact us so we can investigate. Additionally, use the Transaction List item on the left to see a history of your transactions. You can work out how much you should have received based on the figures listed.

Q: Sometimes I get redirected to another site called "organicmoneyfarm", what the?
A: This problem should have been solved, if you're still having problems let us know and we can resolve it.

Q: Are my coins safe?
A: Wallets are stored separate from the site, we backup often. We built from the ground up with security in mind.

Q: Why is there a time limit trades?
A: In order to keep a steady exchange, for now we enforce a 10 second time limit after submitting an order before you may select another.

The trade engine will trade only with orders that match your desired trade rate. This means that if you submit an order with a rate of .10, it will only match with other orders with a rate of .10, not .12 or .08. There is no dynamic rate calculation present right now in the Crypto Rush trade engine.

We are sorry for causing any inconvenience with this method. Please keep this in mind while trading, and that it's not a bug but still being worked on while Crypto Rush is in Beta.

Additionally, the following information will help you understand how the trade engine works.

The system works around the FIFO (First In, First Out) algorithm, having priority given to orders older than your order. Upon submitting a new order, the system searches for orders of a higher amount than what your submitted, listing oldest first. If it finds a match, your order gets queued and won't be fulfilled, unless yours is the only order. If a higher order is not found, all orders lower than the amount you submitted will be found and listed oldest first, and will be fulfilled up to the amount of your submitted order.

Q: My balance shows X in orders, but I don't have any open orders?
A: We've tested the trade system a lot, however sometimes anomalies appear that cause balances to get stuck in orders that have either been fulfilled already or canceled. This is a result of a sync issue causing the values to be stuck. It's important to note that if you are experiencing this issue, the balance that's stuck in orders has already been credited to available balance. A fix for this is to cancel all open orders and your balance will be fully refreshed. Please contact support if you wish for someone to investigate the issue.

So now you know.

This much for Matt Sartain. Moving on to Kristian Thomson, he is the owner of linkandzelda.com, which is a site of things with things on it including a logo which includes a sword, which makes me think it's all dignified while not without a certain panache of male combativity, courage, glory, strength and - why not! - gallantry. But that's me.

On this site one can readily notice that there's an irc page, upon which a webirc page is embedded exactly in the manner a webirc page is embedded on the cryptorush website. Furthermore, one could observe that there's free testimonials on tap, offered via a link anchored as "Free Testimonials". Let's thus make some testimonials, like so :

Your Generated Testimonial

"Cryptorush is an appaling piece of crap. has completely surpassed our expectations. We have no regrets!"
- Ned U.

"Thank you so much for your help. Cryptorush is an appaling piece of crap. was worth a fortune to my company. It really saves me time and effort. Cryptorush is an appaling piece of crap. is exactly what our business has been lacking. Great job, I will definitely be ordering again!"
- Kora D.

"We were treated like royalty. Thanks Cryptorush is an appaling piece of crap.! We've used Cryptorush is an appaling piece of crap. for the last five years. I STRONGLY recommend Cryptorush is an appaling piece of crap. to EVERYONE interested in running a successful online business!"
- Thibaut X.

Moving on with our noticer we further notice that right next to the link offering free testimonials there's something called "Buy Facebook & Twitter Followers". Which leads us on a wild expedition :

* Now talking on #cryptorush
mircea_popescu Devianttwo-afk hey, can i buy some facebook followers from you ?
Linkandzelda rubycoin I use mandrill now
Linkandzelda my mail server is no longer in use, only by the support system
Devianttwo Link
Devianttwo skype me real fast.
Linkandzelda later
Devianttwo I"M LEAVING
Devianttwo in 2 MINUTES
Devianttwo just pick up for 2 freaking minutes
Linkandzelda im ina c all!
Devianttwo whatever. let more people keep bitching....
CryptoCharts guys, I didn't get an activation mail.. can you resend it?
Devianttwo CryptoCharts: try logging in. it auto resends.
iscrawler Devianttwo: that not working
iscrawler Devianttwo: even if i register new login with new email provider
Devianttwo iscrawler: I checked our email system 5 minutes ago
Devianttwo we have send 2 k emails in 24 hours.
Devianttwo and all have successfully went out
Devianttwo we had 19 bounced emails due to incorrect emails
Devianttwo Try now
Devianttwo I think I know why it was bouncing.
iscrawler maybe, but not with me and my friends
Devianttwo iscrawler: that is physically impossible.
Devianttwo your email provider must be blocking them.
Devianttwo What email did you use
Devianttwo I'll prove it
iscrawler gmail? me.com?
Devianttwo give me the FULL email address....
CryptoCharts [derp]
Devianttwo no mater of fact. now that I'm looking at it. looks like something isn't working again.
Devianttwo go figure.
CryptoCharts doesn't work
DogeyMcDoge haha
Devianttwo just a sec...
Devianttwo Trying to see if the emails are timing out
Devianttwo which it looks like they are...
Devianttwo for the love of god who broke them now...
iscrawler Devianttwo: send you pm
Devianttwo welp I can't fix it because I don't have the damn password.
Devianttwo I'll tell kristian

We could go into further faits d'armes like Robert Keith Cristopher, Jr's Freenode cloak being "mp3ripper@unaffiliated/devianttwo" or what have you, but then again haven't we already seen enough ?

The reason I went into this much detail isn't to specifically humiliate this particular set of three retards with delusions of self importance, valor and competence. The reason I went into this much detail is to specify a comparison point for your benefit. These three aren't in any way special, particular, exceptional. They are representative, they are typical, this is what "business" and "service" and ultimately "Bitcoin" means to the forum tard, to the redditard, to the general tard. Which is why we call them tards, and which is why they get upset.

So now : you want to invest ? You want to do business ? You want to be part of Bitcoin, and part of the future, and matter ? Steer clear of tards.

Not some of them. Not most of them. Steer clear of all tards. That is all.

1. This may not be exactly what you imagine it to be. [↩]
2. This also. [↩]
3. Tritto. Speaking of which, MP's 50-50 rule. [↩]