Caged Tit

Now that I've settled down a bit, let's go through the subject matter of yesterday's object lesson.

99 Womenⁱ is a pitiful failure. The premise is ordinary enough, women's prison on an island, pliant she-wolf warden, lecherous male governor, the works. Voice acting is perhaps a shade above average, cinematography exactly what you'd expect. The content however is ludicrously nonsensical. Leaving aside the abundance of make-up and nylons on a prison island, leaving aside the nonsensical dramaturgy if one can call it thatⁱⁱ, twenty minutes in you've yet to see a bit o' tit, let alone frank vulva. The first orgy scene consists of ambiguous elbow/chin/knee zooms, a lot of blurring including whole seconds of an indistinct reddish degradee. I'd say this is a fine exampe of how not to make a film. Or, for that matter, a pot of kimchi. Or anything else, whatever it may be.

Amazon Jewels Jailⁱⁱⁱ is hysterical. Absolutely, you must watch this, it's too funny. There's the scene with the mustachioed tea drinker, the nonsensical businessman and the suddenly high pitched other businessman that's good for a chuckle. There's the "life and luxury and jools, and we all like jools" "yes I'd do anything for a jool" scene that had me in stitches. There's... well all sorts of stupid shit. Also tits, plus some very confused girl on girl action.

Caged Fury^iv is yet another "women in prison" thing, except this one looks exactly like a Michael Jackson set. There's retarded shit like mustachioed bikers with tits in tight blouses that karateka all over the rapescene to the point you're literally expecting them to break into song. I'm bad, I'm bad, Come on... Reeeheheally reheheheally bad...

It does put up the pretense of being a drama, with like conflict and character development and everything, but it's really just pretense. It does also put up the pretense of action, but there's no action. And yeah, the porn kinda sucks, too. "Captain America H. Ollywood Makes A Porno", basically.

Chained Heat II^v was distributed by New Line Cinema (!) and includes footage of a rather overwhelmed puma. It also contains bizarre Czech shit^vi alongside a smattering of pretty local girls. The script is god-awful^vii, but within its braindamaged confines Brigitte Nielsen^viii manages an almost standing evil wardeness. There's nice tits (nothing else - except of course for the plentiful abundance of plot holes, if you swing that way), there's the occasional memorable scene - the dragon chasing bath scene for instance - but the whole picture's kinda broken.

Hotel Paradise^ix is a god-awful spaghetti-porno pitting an apparently insane group using women to dig for emeralds in the Orinoco valley against an apparently insane group of khaki revolutionaries. I'm fluent in Italian but didn't manage to make any sense of the script. Maybe you'll have better luck. Certainly not enough pr0n to justify the thing, the year is 1995 not 1965 for crying out loud.

Entrails of a Virgin^x is a strange Japanese production. It features the miserly blurring of genitalia that they've become famous for taken to an absurd extreme - pretty much the entire screen section where butts would be gets blurred out. It's unclear why anyone'd want to watch this thing - stuff like Yuke yuke nidome no shojo manages to make just as little sense much more elegantly whereas Entrails of a Virgin is just a random collection of banal footage - perhaps with the notable exception of boy-girl wrestling, which beats anything Kaufman ever managed, the girl being topless (and quite visibly in pain). Oh, and that scene where a crazed babe masturbates with the fingers of a severed arm. And other stuff.

That'd be it. Until the next time!

PS. Incidentally, it occurs to me : a reprise of Beavis and Butthead, except as 50 yo men watching bad porn flicks from the 80s instead of bad pop videos from the 80s would probably rule. Anyone with cartoon experience wanna work on a pilot script with me ?

1. "Der heiße Tod", 1969, by Jess (Jesus) Franco, with Maria Schell, Luciana Paluzzi. [↩]
2. There is strictly no logical connection between the various scenes. Within most scenes elementary logic is raped mercilessly. Take out of numerous available examples the case of the girl kneeling on bare rock, with hands shackled above her head. She has supposedly maintain this position for a week straight, she's not bleeding, she's still upright, she's not as much as pissed herself. Her hair is freshly washed. Clearly these people have never done anything even remotely like any the things they're talking about. [↩]
3. 1982, by Oswaldo de Oliveira, with women. [↩]
4. 1990, by Bill Milling, with Liz Hicks [↩]
5. 1993, by Lloyd A. Simandl, with Brigitte Nielsen. [↩]
6. Back then Bohemia was actually cheap. [↩]
7. Inexplicably but exemplarily, "les jeux sont faits [rien ne va plus]" is replaced with "les paris sont finis". Because research and shit. [↩]
8. She's done Schwartzy, Stallone and the whole gauntlet of "action" cheeses. [↩]
9. Prigioniere del sesso, 1980, by Edoardo Mulargia [↩]
10. 1986, by Kazuo 'Gaira' Komizu [↩]