The twu luv torture

Thursday, 13 June, Year 5 d.Tr. | Author: Mircea Popescu

For the proceedings of this evening's entertainment we shall require :

  • One solid concrete wall, with reinforcement, one meter tall, one meter wide, at least three meters long, with a flat top. It shall be known as the wall.
  • One square slab of solid wood or metal, two by two meters, about 10 to 20 centimeters thick if wooden, solidly anchored to the top of the wall, in the center, about a meter above. The profile will thus extend past the edges of the wall for half a meter either side. It shall be known as the table, in loving reference to the Table of Kissing, a famous sculpture or two by a famous Romanian sculptor guy.
  • One half ring of thick solid steel on either side of the wall, right in the center, about 2/3 of the way from the top (or, for that matter, the bottom). It shall be known as the ring.
  • The best part : One pair of twu luvers in the hots of their twu luv, naked like their (respective, hopefully) mommies made them except for :
    • Hands solidly tied behind their backs, such as for instance with handcuffs although a lot of rope probably looks better not to mention is somehow more adequate for the high purpose we are here to satisfy.
    • Loop of solid chain around the neck, padlocked in place so there's no getting it off. The other end of the chain passes through the ring and has a sufficient but not excessive weight attached (this is useful in case the proceedings are being broadcast and the advertisers are being assholes). The length of the chain is such that neither can stand on the wall or crouch on the table.
    • Leather mask securely covering the entire head and forcing the mouth closed.
    • Two hand grenades, one for each party. The hand grenades are securely stuffed inside the luver's mouths, and their pins (or rather, the rings attached to their pins) are locked together with a simple, three dollar lock. For aesthetic reasons the keys may even be left inside.i

So there you have it, ladies and gents. Sooner or later - and likely sooner - one of the two will get too tired to stand, and consequently will - by necessity - fall. This means one of them will die, while the other is safely protected from the deflagration by one meter of solid concrete. Due to the random nature of "what happens when you pull on a grenade attached by the pin to another grenade" there's not going to be any high falootin' self sacrificin' or any of the rest of the crud.

In short : twu luv is not match for gravity in any straightforward implementation of twu luv and gravity. In a sense we could say twu luv is not very grave, which would be exactly correct : there's a reason "romantic" maculature scores even below the comedy, which of course has always been and will always remain inferior to tragedy.

Meanwhile at Campbel Soup Kitschfarmii :

(reproduced without permission)

(reproduced without permission)

You see... that's not what sadistic means, and that's the wrong dilemma to "solve". This is why America is a minor genre in the history of culture : no skill, no ability, no talent and on top of it all no courage to approach the real problems of art.

  1. If you do this, as per the instructions in the Villain's Manual, superglue that shit in for the love of all that is Evil. []
  2. Or was Superman a laundry detergent promotional cartoon ? They all run together, who was the bald blue guy, this one ? []
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8 Responses

  1. You're watching Saw?

  2. Not to be pedantic, but:

    Exactly which grenade do you envision starring in this scene? The U.S. or Soviet "pineapple" won't sit securely in the idiots' mouths without the "spoon" also in. (And a rather tight fit at any rate!)

    It takes a surprising amount of tension to properly yank the pin. Obtain a dummy and try it yourself.

    I suppose the spoon might be sawed off, but proper theatrical aesthetics demand virginal pineapples, recognizable to everyone.

  3. Suspensiodubitare ones.

  4. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Friday, 14 June 2013

    @Stanislav Datskovskiy The pineaple works just fine. The spoon goes over the lip/cheek.

    Body weight provides enough tension for this application I'm sure. Even if the chick's really skinny.

  5. They can suck on a lemon!

  6. Gives new life to the old saw "my Spoon is Too Big."

  7. Mircea Popescu`s avatar
    Mircea Popescu 
    Friday, 14 June 2013

    I didn't even know it had a life in the first place.

  8. subSTRATA`s avatar
    Sunday, 16 June 2013

    "It takes a surprising amount of tension to properly yank the pin."

    For fuck's sake, aren't we living in 2013. now? Remove the pins and trigger granades with Bitcoin-driven provably-fair electronic instead.

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