Iи Traиzit

This film'sⁱ title sums up the entire production nicely. "Iи Traиzit" is complete meaningless bullshit. It borrows characters from two different alphabets, throws them in together haphazardly (и notes approximately the vowel i) and produces something devoid of meaning in either system of notation. For the marginally literate English speaker it might appear to carry an air of "Russian", but we're not blessed with such luck.

The contents of the package are logically coherent with the label. Supposedly the NKVD chief sends fifty german PoWs suspected of SS involvement to be hosted in an all-female detention camp, womanned by about half a dozen scrawny chicks. Randomly, unexpectedly, suddenly : sign here. The chicks could as well have been picked off the street, or the University campus. They're perpetually at ease, they don't salute and in general show about as military training as my cat. This, on the face of it, is insanity. It never happened during or after the second world war, it never could have happened. It's about as likely as Hitler showing up for the vote on the Enabling Act in drag. They don't even have the common sense to put a lampshade over it, but instead simply blunder forward like some Special Olympics contestant with Down syndrome.

Then, this same NKVD officer, all by himself, out in the open, orders some cook to strip naked (well, topless) for the benefit of "her german boyfriends". This, again, is insanity. Never happened, never could have happened, it's just absurd. Sure, the NKVD bid women to strip naked all the damned time, but under quite different circumstances. They'd round up civillians and do some TSA cavity-searching on them, but in their offices, in groups, with vodka. It'd be a party. Entirely different thing altogether.

Lastly, this same cook, pregnant as a result of intercourse with that german boyfriend of hers, refuses an abortion (cause she won't kill the child) and subsequently hangs herself. This tops all, it never has nor could ever happen. Find me a pregnant girl that ever successfully hung herself in the entire history of the fucking world. It's plain impossible. Late teens, early twenties, something like that, go ahead, find me one case.

That's about how far into it I made it. To be honest I was curious how did Malkovich manage half a dozen films released in 2008. I have my answer now : it's not hard to release a bunch of films if they're patent crap.

For shame.

1. Iи Traиzit, 2008, by Tom Roberts with John Malkovich [↩]