Wed Tue September 9 8. Today was a very big day because of yesterday. Yesterday Daddy introduced me to Doll. Doll is Daddy's girlfriend. Daddy said Ashley, say hello to Doll. She is my girlfriend. Doll then bent over like I never saw before. She held her back straight and looked at me very close. She said Hi Ashley. I could feel her breath. I said Hi. Then she said how many times have I done this before. I said many. She said she never did it before. She said that it's okay if she's not my first Doll, but that I am her first Ashley. She said I am very special to her, and asked please to never forget that. I am her first Ashley and please don't break her heart. I started crying. She gave me a hug. She smelled so nice. Doll is very beautiful. She is so great and perfect in every way. I am one day going to show her all my journal. Even here where it says I love her. I will show her because I love her very much. She is the best ever. I hope to be just like her. Then the biggest thing happened. Dad said it is time for me to get ready. Doll said no. Dad asked her what is she talking about. She said she is not going anywhere and grabbed me close. She was almost choking me. I cried. Dad said what are you on about. Doll said she is never letting me go no matter what. Dad looked at her like she was crazy. Doll was just trembling and shaking her head no. Dad went inside. I asked her where is he going, and she said to call a lawyer if he has any sense. She asked me if I would like to stay with her and I said yes very much. What about Mom though. She asked me if I liked her. I said not really. I don't know why I said that. Mom works very hard, but our place is very small and we never do anything. She is always working or tired. And she gets upset because I am bored because there is nothing fun to do. I should have more respect. Then we talked and Dad came back. He said you'd better take her out shopping then or something. Meaning me. The story is, he said, she already picked her up, meaning Mom picked me up. He said after that I do not know what happened. You say you found the child wandering about the mall. She did not want to tell you what had happened, so you bought her some food and talked to her for a while and then she told you her parents name finally and because you knew me you drove her over. That is your story. Then he says after that keep her out of sight. As soon as Mom files for missing person he is going to send some boys over from the precinct to find her here, meaning me. They will file the story and then we go to court because of it. He said I'd better be ready for it because there is no backing out. Dad scratched his head. You sure about this he asked Doll. I love her she said. Meaning me. I started to cry. Doll rushed me into her car. She drives a convertible. Doll is hella cool. We went to the mall. We walked and we talked. I told her tomorrow is my birthday. She bought me this journal for a present. See how pretty it is ? She said I should write in it every day. But I am going to make this be like yesterday and write today later in. Although it is really today when I am writing now I will say like it was yesterday. We talked lots and she said we will have the best time together. I asked her what she does. She said she used to go to school, but she has had pipi fanny epiphany. I asked her what that is, she said like when you realise something very big and obvious. She said she is a lover now. That is what she does, she loves. I told her that is the greatest thing and I never heard anything like it. She said neither did she, not before it happened to her. Then she asked me if I have any clothes. I said not really, I only came to visit for the morning. I was supposed to be back by lunchtime. She asked me if I'd like to go shopping for pajamas with her. I asked her if she has any money. She said she has a little left on her card and besides we can beg Daddy afterwards if he'll pay for it. What an idea! She asked me if I had ever begged for anything before, and I had to say I don't really know. She made me promise I'd do it with her. She said it's a lot of fun, you have to go down on your knees and really beg with your whole heart. She made me promise I'd do it with her. She told me she never really did it either, but she really wants to. She said she was affraid she'd chicken out just by herself, but if we both do it then it will be a lot more fun anyway. We tried on lots and lots of things, and we practiced our begging in the dressing room. She was right, it is a lot of fun. In the end we left with a very pretty thing for her. It made her look sorta like a princess. Doll is so beautiful! We got two things for me, one long stretchy tube of very soft material colored like the skin with see-through on the sides and a pink bell-like thing very short with big pink feather bunches at the end and around the neck. She said they look just great on me. I never had anything like it before, Mom only ever buys me cotton things like for little girls and Dad never bought me pajamas ever. Then she said I have to eat a whole steak! Gross! We had to walk all across the mall to where this place Ruth's Chris is. What sort of a name is that anyway ? She ordered two New Yorks medium rare and they brought us raw meat! I mean it wasn't even cooked inside and they were huge. She said I have to eat it anyways! She's crazy! Then she said if I don't eat it she's going to beg me to right there in front of everyone, so I had to eat it. Gross! I asked her if she even likes this and she said she's been training herself to, and one day she'll order it blue. That's even less cooked than raw meat! She says a real woman has to train herself to swallow absolutely anything. I asked the waiter if they have snails. Just to mess with her, I did. You should have seen Doll's eyes wider than her plate. He said oh yes, absolutely, the scare-goat's fabulous just came in this morning. I asked if I could have some and he said most certainly. She just sat there and looked at me. I said to her I said I know you're a real woman Doll, so now you have to swallow them all. She just sat there staring as they brought them in, holding her breath I think. It really is true, they will bring you snails when you order them at that restaurant. I didn't think to say medium rare though so they were cooked. There's also a little special fork they give you, all tiny like for a doll house. She ate one very slowly, like she was eating something horrible, like earthworm or snail or something. Then she said hey this is pretty good and had another. By then I was curious but when she offered me one I said she's just messing they're probably terrible and she's just trying to trick me. So she got off her chair and went down on her knees and came all over to my seat like that and said if I love her I'll eat the scare-goat. So I had to. It wasn't really bad at all, we shared the rest. Then a man came to our table and he said to Doll he said Miss, excuse me but if I may say, that is the most beautiful thing that he never saw before a dedication like that from a babysitter and here is my card. Doll giggled and thanked him. I didn't say anything to him, but then we kept giggling together. I think he must have paid for our raw meats because the waiter said the check was already taken care of when we left. By the time we got back home it was dark out already. Doll put me to bed and got into bed with me and told me a great bedtime story I think she made-up herself, about a little girl and her adventures. Maybe it was from when she was a little girl herself. Then she told me that I have to stay in bed until she comes pick me up in the morning, no matter if I sleep or not. She made me promise her I will and I promised. I love Doll. I will always do anything she says. She's so great! Then she kissed me good night and then I fell asleep.
Wednesday September the 9th. Doll is making breakfast and I am writing now at the table. Before I was writing yesterday but that is done so now I am writing today. I showed her my journal and she said is it really true you love me too, and I said yes! And we hugged. She said it's the best thing that happened since she met Dad and that we'll have to do a love contest sometime because she thinks she loves me more. But I said no way she loves me more, I love her the most. Maybe she does, I don't know.
Doll said I should write out the day, and also call it the 9th not just 8. And also that I should make paragraphes because it is kinda hard to read otherwise and put what people say in quoted marks. And also she gave me a little pill to swallow. She said it will be our little secret, it's a special estrogen pill which is the whoremone girls get when they're older, especially the most beautiful ones, and that it will make my boobs grow evenly and big and without stretchmarks and also make me be pretty when I'm all grown up. And she said that's why I have to swallow lots of meat, too, no matter how gross it is, and drink milk, to grow big and tall and strong and have really big breasts. I wonder why nobody else told me this before. But she is right, if it makes you pretty it's worth swallowing anything. Even if it's gross.
Daddy is not at home, he left early for business. He is often gone, which is why before Doll was here I couldn't stay even if I wanted to. But now with Doll it's different. We were going to beg him for the things this morning before he left but he just said "sure don't worry about it" without even looking at us. Honestly it was a lot more fun when we were practicing for it. I was wearing my tube pajama and he laughed and laughed when he saw it. He asked if I am practicing to be a sea creature. Doll said "get out of here Square Pants" and he left laughing. Then after he left Doll showed me how to walk in the tube, because you're not supposed to walk normally in it, you're supposed to keep your legs together mostly and do a sorta butt shake, it's pretty weird.
Then after breakfast she asked me if I want to go for a swim, and I said sure but I have no bathing suit, but she said only poor people go in the water with clothes on, and besides she doesn't really want me dressed around the house anyway. I asked her how come and she said it's just better for a girl to get used to being natural so she grows up secure and honest. I asked her if she had read that up somewhere, and she said no, they never print any of the good stuff. It's always crap and bullshit they print up. I kinda thought she's right, to be honest. So we went for a swim and we hung out by the pool to work on our tans and we chatted and I asked her how come her parents named her Doll, how did they know she was going to be so pretty. But she said her parents didn't call her that, she said Daddy called her that. So I asked her what was she before and she said she was Candi, with an eye. I asked her why would her parents name her that, did they think she'll grow up to be a strip girl or something and she said it wasn't her parents, but Daddy again, she said when they first met the first day she had such a great time with him she begged him to give her a name and that's what he came up with. I had no idea people can just come up with names like that but she said sure. I decided right then I want to not be Ashley anymore, what a stupid name. I didn't burn down or anything. She asked me what I want to be then and when I said Babydoll! she just started crying and hugging me. She said it's perfect for me and that after Dad gets custody she'll tell him to change my name too. Or she said I can do it anyway when I'm 18een. 18! Why not 45, I'll be dead before that. But anyone will call me Babydoll anyway, and we'll get Tshirts with our names on them also.
Then she asked me what do I want to do for my birthday because she remembered! Mom also always remembers, but she only buys some store cake or something and gifts of things I needed anyway like sport shoes for school. Mom never said "what do you want to do for your birthday Babydoll" although she didn't know I was Babydoll back then either but then again whose fault is that! I didn't know what to say so then she asked me how about a pajama birthday party! Such a beautiful wild idea! She asked me who my friends were, and that I should make a list of maybe a dozen or so which means twelve, and she will go and get all the supplies but I shouldn't open the door to anyone while she is gone. When she came back she had bagfuls and bagfuls of things, glow sticks and even fireworks and body paint and joke things like fart pillows and masks like from the carnival with feathers and many great things and big colorful jewelry and everything! She looked at my list and she said but no Babydoll, there can't be any boys, remember the whole thing with keeping low and custody. Then she made me show the profiles of the girls on the list, and she asked me if we're really close or they're just some girls from school and I had to admit they're just the girls that'll let me sit at their table in the cafeteria so she said no way and she made me make the list of the most popular girls in all my classes and she checked out their profiles and had me call and message them to invite them and she helped me with the wording and in less than not even an hour we had twelve confirmed rsvp out of maybe twenty or so we tried.
My 12th birthday party was the best party in my life! It is just incredible how in the morning we were just sitting by the pool chatting like nothing and then later that same evening we were having the best party ever. Doll really knows how to do things right. First things first she told all the girls that she has to take their phones because there's a custody battle going on and I can't be seen. She made it sound like I was totally gangsta, everyone was looking up to me like I was Cardi B! These girls do advertisements for Disney and are top influencers of social media and I was their QUEEN! Then later after the cake she broke out the fireworks and bodypaints and masks and said everyone should take their clothes off except of course if it makes anyone uncomfortable she can keep her panties on. But nobody did because who wants to be that girl, right! Doll winked at me like, "see" and yeah, totally! Then she started firing roman candles into the pool from the balcony and shaking Martinelli's bottles dousing everyone. It was WILD! I never had so much fun in my whole life EVER!
Then we went to bed sorta. Doll organized everyone to move all the matresses out of the spare bedrooms out on the deck and we all slept in this huge triplequeen size bed under the stars except of course nobody could really sleep. So we just stayed up all night and we're all best friends now because of Doll! And she said because that we're friends they can come visit any time and my life is just the greatest ever.
Thursday September the 10st. Doll was up early and spent all morning taking the girls back home. I was in my room checking my insta which is now zooming every boy in school liking my stuff now because everyone added me and they say really nice things. Dad's service people cleanned up the house all morning but Dad is in Florida for business and then we had lunch on the deck just me and Doll and then she said we have to go see Dr. Smallchild who is her ginnycolecist. This is the craziest stuff I never heard about, a giniolegist is an old doctor guy with a reflector attached to his head and you have to take all your clothes off and sit on a chair with torture instruments for your ankles and he touches you right there! He asked me things about my period and put lube on my belly and rubbed a cold metal razor on it which takes pictures of inside of you and then he said I'm perfectly fine and there's nothing to worry about which was nice to hear. I was very ashamed to be up there in front of Doll like that, but she said there's nothing to be ashamed of and a girl should never think that way about her body. It's just not right, she said. Maybe she's right, I think.
On the way back she asked me if I masturbate and of course I said no but she said she bets I do like in the shower or in bed at night sometimes and I had to admit that I do and she said there's nothing wrong with it, it's good for me and I should do it every day. I asked her if she's sure because I heard it can be bad for your health and can also make you pregnant but she said that's ridiculous. She said it's the best thing for sexual health at my age and also that you can't ever be pregnant if there are no boys there which is a relief. Who wants boys to be there anyways! And she asked me how I do it and if I ever hold it in and try not to let it happen while also rubbing it and when I said no she said I should try it because it makes it better, and also she said if I do it in the shower the best way is to wait until I really have to pee and then let go and pee while it's happening. That is so out there! I had no idea people do this kinds of things, but she said yeah of course, all the time. And then she said when I'm older she's going to show me how to do it with the beads and all sorts of things. Doll is really fascinating and she knows so many things about everything!
Then after dinner she asked me if I want to paint her toenails and I said yes of course! And so we painted her toenails pink and then she painted my toenails the same exact pink and now we're toesisters and then later she said it's time for bed but I begged her to get in with me and tell me a story of hers and then after she did I wouldn't let her go anymore I just held her tight and begged her to sleep with me please which she didn't want to do saying it's not right and what if Dad comes or anything but really, Dad is in Florida and I love her and I want to sleep with her every night. She is so soft and loving and warm there is no better place to be outside of in her arms. I love Doll.
Friday September the 11th. Really all I want to do all day long is just lay in bed with Doll and kiss her all over and hug and just be with her or by the pool or anywhere. I spent the whole day just following her around the house and eventually she started making fun of me for it and I said I just can't help it, because I love her. And then she did the weirdest thing, she turned towards me and she said, "then maybe I should beat you, Babydoll". I asked her wouldn't that hurt and she said it damn well right hurts, and asked me if I'm some sort of chickenshit. I said I'm not and I will do anything she wants me to no matter what it is, but I asked her why would she hurt me and she said "Babydoll, you'll be hurt in this life, it's a given. It's always better if someone you truly love does it." which makes no sense at all but also made me all warm inside, like I really, really wanted her to hurt me bad now. So we went through all the closets looking for belts and we found some pretty great ones and then she had me bend over my bed face down and she hit me over the ass. It burned like HELL! I was on fire, like she peeled my skin off and poured rubbing alcohol on it. I yelled out and she asked me if I had enough. I turned to look at her with tears in my eyes but I said only when she's had enough and she rubbed my welt which still hurt a little bit softly and then hit me again with a wider belt which was even worse, and every time she kept asking me if I had enough but I always said only when she's had enough so she kept going and going until eventually she fell down crying and kissing me and saying "Oh Babydoll I can't hurt you anymore, I'm sorry baby I'm sorry, don't hate me, please." but I told her I could never hate her no matter what she did to me because I loved her and always will. Then I asked her if anyone had done this to her before and she said no, never so then I asked her why did she do it to me and she said because she was curious. Then she asked me if I want to do it to her and I said sure. So she kneeled face down in my bed and I grabbed a belt and tried to hit her but it didn't do much. She showed me how to hold the belt and explained how to hit with it and then when I hit her she yelled like I killed her or something. There was a huge red mark on her ass sorta to the side and she was crying in bed. I said to her "have you had enough you little chickenshit". I don't know why I said that but she started crying even harder and she was saying "no no Babydoll" and "please hurt me" and "oh it hurts so bad" and all sorts of things through her tears and it was very confusing. I kept hitting her with all the belts until my arms were tired and she was dark black all over, and then she kept crying in my arms for a long time about how bad it hurt. It was even better than before, I enjoyed holding the hurt and beaten Doll crying in my arms even more than when we were in bed before and I told her. I said "I like hurting you so much Doll!" and she tried to smile with tears in her eyes but it was more like a wince of pain.
As we were laying there and she was sobbing I asked her, I said "what do you and Dad do" and she looked at me and asked "what do you mean". "You know what I mean" I said, "like why did you say what if Daddy comes and we're in bed." She told me they have sex, and I asked her what that is, so she explained to me that when a man owns a woman he sometimes pushes himself inside of her, which is very enjoyable. I asked her if it hurts, and she said that not really, maybe a little occasionally, maybe a little more the first time, but not really. There are ways to make it hurt more, which people sometimes do, but it's not usually a painful thing. I asked her if it hurts anything like the belts and she said oh no, absolutely not. But she did say it feels so good because it makes you feel you're his, just like the belts do. It's true, too, I never felt so much like she was mine as when she was squirming in pain because I belted her so I asked her if it was the same way for her when she was hurting me, and she said of course, that's what it is. So I asked her then, I said she's the only Doll I have, but she has both me and Dad, it's not fair. She told me that in time I'll have others too, but I told her I don't care about it, I don't want anyone else, I just want her. She just looked at me with her big eyes wide open, and with tears on her long eyelashes, and then I asked her what is someone called like her, who has many people owning her and she said she is a slut. Then she hugged me tight and begged me to not stop loving her, she can't help being a slut, she was born that way. I told her that I love her too much to ever stop, but she has to promise she will never ever leave me. She said "silly girl, I already have" but I made her promise again, and again, and again and then we fell asleep.
Saturday September the 12nd. We both had breakfast standing up. I had to sleep on my tummy only now, we worked too much on our sun tans and my back was kinda burned and then the belts tan was even worse and there was just no way. Then later I heard Doll turn on the shower and I went in and joined her. She caressed my zebra butt and when I looked at her she said "you just want to beat me again, don't you". I said kinda, because yeah, totally I wanted to beat her again, but she said "You can't, Babydoll. It's too much. You'll kill me." and yeah, her welts were all bruised and huge. They looked much worse than they did yesterday. I told her I want to beat her like nothing I wanted ever before, but she can tell me when she's ready for it again.
Then the police came by so we had to hop out. There were a bunch of people with the policemen, they interviewed me in my bathrobe. They asked my name and all sorts of questions but I just told them I don't remember. Then they asked Doll and she told them she's Dad's fiance and that a friend of his brought me over Tuesday night because she found me at the mall by myself. She told them she doesn't know how I got there, and that I wasn't here about noon - half past noon when she came to meet Dad. She told them he's in Florida on business and she's agreed to stay here at the house until the situation is sorted out. Then Dad showed up just as they were about to leave and told them the same things all over again. Then he showed them on his phone a judge order that he has temporary custody and everyone basically packed it and left. Then Doll told me to go upstairs, and I said "Yes Miss!" and high-tailed it out of there.
At night Doll came to put me to bed like always, and as she got in with me I asked her what did Dad say ? "He said what did you do to her and I said what do you mean and he said I've never seen Ashley that way and I said she's Babydoll now so he said what the... and I said because she loves me so much and he said what the hell did you do to her and I said I beat her" she told me. I couldn't believe my ears. "But aren't you affraid ?!" I asked her. Yes, she said. She was petrified, but what was she going to do, lie ? To Dad ? "Then he said what the hell's wrong with you, she's just a kid, are you fucking crazy ? and I said she beat me too, black and blue. It's a love thing and then I showed him what you did to me." I never met anyone so brave and heroic as Doll. She said Dad thought her ass looks just beautiful, and he said he had never seen me do anything great or anything like that ever before. He told her he's proud of me! I asked her if they had sex afterwards and she said yeah, lots. I told her she owes me and she said "anything you want, baby. Anything at all."
Sunday September the 13th. Dad made us breakfast and he said to me he heard I'm Babydoll now and I said yeah! and he asked me how come and I said because Doll is the greatest and I love her. He said he loves her too and I said that's just great and we will be so happy. He seemed confused but then he asked me if Doll beat me, and I said yeah! and he asked me how come so I said because I asked her to. He asked me why did I ask her to and I said because I love her! He said that makes no sense and I said of course it does, Dad! Being hurt by who you love is the greatest thing. He asked me how old I am and I said I'm twelve now and he said I don't sound twelve and I said thank you. Dad seemed more and more confused. Doll started to say something but he cut her off harshly, "Shut up you, I'm talking to my daughter." so she just kneeled on the floor and kept quiet and her eyes down. Dad told me love is a complicated thing and it unveils itself to people little by little. I said that sounds pretty cool, actually. I hadn't thought about it that way before but I can see he's right. I don't think he expected to hear anything like that, because he thought about it a minute and then said young people have to take it easier and slow themselves down even though it doesn't come natural, because they've not yet seen enough of the cards to know how to play their hand. I asked him what would he like me to do, and he said he'd like us to stop beating on each other for one thing. I said okay but he really didn't seem ready for it, because he asked me what did I say. I told him I said okay, I won't beat his fiance and I won't ask her to beat me anymore if he doesn't want me to. He scratched his head. He turned to Doll and asked her "what are you doing to my daughter ?" Doll looked up at him with those beautiful large eyes of hers and said she's trying to give me all the opportunities she never had growing up. Dad said she'd better take good care of me, and Doll said she will. Then he told her to swear, and she swore. Then we ate pancakes.
Doll started trying to teach herself French. We hung out trying to pronounce words all day. French is really weird. We rubbed aloe lotion on the welts, which are somehow even worse than they were I think, especially on her. Then Doll put me to bed, she told me a long story but I don't remember any of it. I fell asleep instantly in the warmth of her arms.