The fungus

Phallus impudicus is a kind of fungus, also known as alra yihatkariha ("the witch's stinkhorn") and yediyabilosi fik’iri ("the devil's lovehorn") in traditional cultures. The characteristic fruiting-body structure -- a single, unbranched receptaculum with an externally attached gleba (a mess of foul-smellingⁱ, sticky spore masses) on the upper part distinguishes the Phallaceae from other families in the Phalalles.

The fruiting bodies originate as a gelatinous, spherical, or egg-shaped structure that may be completely or partially buried underground. The peridium, the outer layer of the egg, is white, or purple/red, with two or three layers. The outer layer is thin, membranous, and elastic, while the inner layer is thicker, gelatinous, and continuous. At maturity, the peridium opens up and remains as a volva at the base of the receptaculum. The fertile portion of the fruiting body is borne on the end of a wide, fleshy yet spongy stalk, is cylindrical but may reticulate. A lattice- or veil-like membrane is seen enclosing and protecting the gasteroid (internally produced) spores. The spore-containing substance is typically gelatinous and deliquescent (becoming liquid from the absorption of water). The gleba is formed on the exterior face of the cap or the upper part of the receptacle. The basidia are small and narrowly club-shaped or fusiform, short-lived (evanescent), with four to eight sterigmata. The spores are usually ellipsoid or cylindrical in shape, hyaline or pale brown, smooth, more or less smooth-walled, and truncated at the base.

Traditional usage of the Phallus impudicus starts with vigurous masturbation, lasting from fifteen minutes to well over an hour, using a large, wide girthed, soft implement (such as a latex stretcher dildo). Rigid implements (such as pyrex glass or metal) are almost never used in practice, though the cause for this is poorly understood. Practitioners tend to ram their cervical head very harshly, and also unequivocally prefer implements of subjectively uncomfortable size (as the expression goes, "the more it hurts at first, the better it gets at the end"). External lubrication is never used. In fact, vaginal microtears are probably the point of the exercise, with masturbation continuing until natural lubrication is exhausted such that the soft mucous vaginal tissue is abraded (which probably controls pre-insertion masturbation duration preference -- the subject will simply continue until sufficiently "sore").

One single fresh Phallus impudicus is then inserted in the vagina. Its immediate astringent effect narrows the vaginal opening significantly ; over the following minutes tonic paralysis of pelvic and vaginal muscles increases paroxistically until vaginal myoclonus begins. It is common at this point for the vaginal opening to have reduced to a barely visible point, significantly smaller than the urethra. The myoclonus can continue for as long as an hour or two (though it can last significantly longer the first time, and somewhat longer in regular, bi-weekly or more frequent users) and is subjectively perceived as "the most powerful orgasm". As the muscle movement forces fungal compounds into the bloodstream, a state of altered consciousness slowly builds over the interval, taking the subject on what's known as a "cunt trip". As muscular activity subsides, the subject drifts away in a reverie-like state, eyes usually open, but with no response to stimuli (and often marked photo and phonophobia). Normal consciousnessⁱⁱ is spontaneously regained within eight to twelve hours, though it is at first marked by confusion, despair, and an acute sentiment of loss.

Because nothing good can ever be, what!

1. The scent is actually the result of extremely complex chemical interaction among a partially-undescribed cocktail of odorous compounds. As is the case with cheese for instance, human perception of fungal odorants is not reliable over time, nor does the impression produced on different individuals readily reduce to a common experience. Ph. impudicus especially is famous for the perception of its scent rapidly changing with inhabituation, so much so that the widely used Sastabeyan proverb "Kayekajana loka'i yadera kache phyakahorana ekyatera'o praya trateya nasta haye yasta" (approx. "Not all brides find it stinky on the first night, but few still find it stinky on the third night") relies on that well familiar property of the Phallus in order to discuss both sexual mores (the direct implication being that not all grooms' first night is their brides' as well) and societal issues (the context of usage generally connoting socially undesirable misbehaviours becoming readily entrenched with individual practice). As a factual matter, the individually reported impression of Ph. impudicus scent constitutes the most varied and irreducible body of documentation on record, such that the reviewer would be tempted to conclude "it can smell of absolutely anything" ; yet nevertheless the subject's response stays emotionally very strong even in the most inocuous of cases -- a subject may report it smells of "old belts" or "finely ground paper" yet appear very perturbed by the experience nevertheless. Frequently the researcher is led to suspect the subject's comparison selection is rather driven by that emotional response, and so fecaloid references abound not because of objective relation but because of subjective association driven by emotional state, especially because factually impossible comparison terms ("it smells like what the diarrhea of a bicycle would smell like" ; "constipated peanut farts" ; "this smells exactly like rotting formaldehyde" etc) are often encountered. [↩]
2. As well as pelvic relaxation -- the vagina opens emitting a characteristic hiss (known as "opening up" or "falling back to Earth" in the milieu). [↩]