On the internet, nobody believes you're a sow.

As you probably guessed, I've been spending a lot of time lately with the 2018 class of sluts aspiring to enslavementⁱ.

Lest you believe it's all cuttin' through excited, warm butter with a hair curler left over from 1970 and against the backdrop of August asphalt on 101th East St, let me share one that went nowhere (depicted, if one's to believe things one reads on websites, to the left and right of this very introduction)!

mircea_popescu hey!
mircea_popescu well ?
rando_webtard Hi

mircea_popescu there you go.
rando_webtard See how smart I amⁱⁱ

mircea_popescu o yeah, i'm like... floored.
rando_webtard Who chose my username?

mircea_popescu i did.
rando_webtard Why do you think I’m a slut?

mircea_popescu i have no idea what you are, really, but gotta say something. you're not a slut ?
rando_webtard I am

mircea_popescu so then!
rando_webtard Heheh

mircea_popescu lol.
mircea_popescu how do you know you're a slut, anyway.

rando_webtard I saw your fet photos. I’d love to worship your feet in public so badly man
mircea_popescu ikr?
mircea_popescu so come over, i'll take you to the strip club, the girls dance you suck my toes.

rando_webtard I’d really really like that
mircea_popescu so what's keepin' ya ?

rando_webtard You’re a little bit far away right now
rando_webtard But I’d love to spend all night with your feet in my mouth
mircea_popescu but newcastle sucks. you have any idea how great costa rica is ?

rando_webtard I do not have any idea
mircea_popescu wanna look through my pics ?

rando_webtard Sure
mircea_popescu aite lessee...
mircea_popescu Land of coffee, land of winds, land of oddly moistened bints
mircea_popescu And that, in the distance, is the ocean...
mircea_popescu Galati Yachting
mircea_popescu and so on

rando_webtard That bug is icky
mircea_popescu oya
rando_webtard Other than that it looks pretty good

mircea_popescu you like the beach ? and weather not being shit ?
rando_webtard Yes haha
rando_webtard So say I was in Costa Rica right now... what would I be doing?
rando_webtard Or should I say what would we be doing

mircea_popescu well that depends. maybe some chore, maybe walking on the beach, maybe suckling my toes.
rando_webtard You like your feet being worshipped?
mircea_popescu certainly.
mircea_popescu but more like a humiliation thing
rando_webtard Yes yes yes yes what In Particular do you like?

mircea_popescu well, i keep a harem of slaves, you know ?
rando_webtard Yeah

mircea_popescu that's what i enjoy, owning women. the smarter the better.
rando_webtard Good to know
rando_webtard You like humiliating them too?

mircea_popescu yep. allllll the time.
rando_webtard Good I absolutely adore being humiliated
mircea_popescu really ? what do you do in newcastle ?
rando_webtard I work at an energy company
rando_webtard This website is super weird.
rando_webtard You should totally get KIK

mircea_popescu it's not a website, you understand. irc is a protocol.
mircea_popescu you're on a website because you're retarded, and don't have real computers.
rando_webtard Rudeeeee

mircea_popescu but if you had real computers, you'd get a client and be like normal thinking people.
rando_webtard Alright calm yourself down

mircea_popescu lol you're the one with pumping adrenaline :D
mircea_popescu and i'll call you retarded whenever the fuck i feel like, also. that clear ?ⁱⁱⁱ
rando_webtard Yes that’s clear
rando_webtard Sorry

mircea_popescu that's better.
mircea_popescu tell me, do they tell you you're pretty a lot ?
rando_webtard Yes

mircea_popescu fucking brits. they're so happy to see an ewe they'll prolly fuck it, too.
mircea_popescu forget about it, you're not fucking pretty. not even close. that also clear ?
rando_webtard Yes that’s clear
rando_webtard :(

mircea_popescu alrighty. now that we understand ourselves... what do you do at the electricity company ? receptionist ? floors ?
rando_webtard I take calls. It’s a call centre

mircea_popescu ahahahahaha
mircea_popescu you know that's usually what fuckmeat does in banana republics ? how do you manage to pay uk rent and local rates and everything out of the 2 quid an hour that shit pays ?
rando_webtard It’s actually a good wage the one that I work in and the department

mircea_popescu hm.
mircea_popescu did you go to college ?
rando_webtard Yes I did health and social care
rando_webtard Do you think I’m ugly?

mircea_popescu nope.
rando_webtard Just not attractive

mircea_popescu attractive depends on how horny the onlooker.
rando_webtard You’re mean

mircea_popescu o yea.
rando_webtard I like that
rando_webtard A lot

mircea_popescu but you're not pretty, meaning, you don't get free shit for looks.
rando_webtard Thank you

mircea_popescu so do you mostly like chatting online ? have you any real bdsm experience ?
rando_webtard I have. I’ve had 2 doms in real life

mircea_popescu o hey. how did that go ?
rando_webtard I can handle pain and extreme humiliation
rando_webtard They were fine

mircea_popescu fine ? that's not much. tell me a little about how it went. how did you meet ? what did you do ?
rando_webtard I like humiliation the most. Public humiliation mainly

mircea_popescu ever been naked down the street ?
mircea_popescu leash on and everything ?
rando_webtard Nope

mircea_popescu how about the beach ?
rando_webtard Unfortunately not

mircea_popescu how about clothed public humiliation ? your dom ever take you to restaurant, made you eat out of doggy dish ?
rando_webtard I would like thst though
rando_webtard Being felt up by random passers by and having no say in it

mircea_popescu how old were these dom fellows ?
rando_webtard One was 39 one was 53

mircea_popescu and they never took you out ?! seriously ?!
mircea_popescu wow. why the fuck not, i wonder.
rando_webtard I think you’d publically humiliate me

mircea_popescu certainly. it's good for a girl, helps her grow up.^iv
rando_webtard Does it

mircea_popescu i used to do that to all my gfs, before even hearing about bdsm. making them go topless at parties and what not.
rando_webtard I’ll take your word for it

mircea_popescu works.
mircea_popescu but, let's hear about these doms. so, how'd you meet the 39yo one ?
rando_webtard I met him online then we met up in real life
rando_webtard It didn’t work because he’s married

mircea_popescu aj, one of those.^v
mircea_popescu and the other one ?
rando_webtard He was just too old he had children and they were his priority

mircea_popescu myeah. so basically, you've been trying to find something that works , but mostly ran into timewasters calling themselves doms because whatever, makes them feel good.
rando_webtard Yes exactly

mircea_popescu you ever been with other girls ?
rando_webtard Yes I have
mircea_popescu tell me about that, slut.

rando_webtard You’re really very good looking
mircea_popescu i know, right ?

rando_webtard Yeah you are
mircea_popescu flattery will get you anywhere.
rando_webtard I’ve been out with 2 girls had sex with them and they were both super needy and jealous

mircea_popescu are you like that ?
rando_webtard You’re way too good for me it’s intimidating

mircea_popescu this is absolutely true.
mircea_popescu and truth be told, i usually talk to better looking girls, who don't take two fucking days to figure out irc.
mircea_popescu i guess it's your lucky day.
rando_webtard Thank you

mircea_popescu at least you're well behaved.
mircea_popescu where'd you learn that ? reading up on the internet lots and lots ?
rando_webtard No I just am naturally submissive and behaved
rando_webtard I haven’t got the looks so I have to have something

mircea_popescu true. ever been caned ?
rando_webtard Yes across my nipples. It hurt and I cried so he stopped straight away
mircea_popescu hahahahaha
rando_webtard True story^vi

mircea_popescu jesus fuck these idiots. i really don't like this brave new world where every fucktard gets to call himself whatever the fuck.
mircea_popescu you ever seen search and destroy ? the scorsese flick ?
rando_webtard I haven’t no

mircea_popescu not a bad way to waste an hour and a half. anyway.
mircea_popescu i feel for you, cunt. the world's fulla shitheads, and when you're young it's hard to tell them apart, and maybe even hard to keep the hope alive.
rando_webtard I’m not that young

mircea_popescu i bet you cry just like a sow squeals, too. loud, wet and convincingly.
rando_webtard I am a little piggy to be fair

mircea_popescu yeah, kinda look it a little, too.
rando_webtard Thank you I really like your insults I haven’t had any for the longest time

mircea_popescu speaking of which, do you ever write on yourself ?
rando_webtard Much appreciated

mircea_popescu did you miss a line ?
rando_webtard What do you mean?
mircea_popescu speaking of which, do you ever write on yourself ? <
rando_webtard I have done before I’ve been made to write fat pig across my tits
rando_webtard Or slur across my forehead
rando_webtard Slut*

mircea_popescu i have an idea. how about we work together make a nice pic for your fetlife profile.
mircea_popescu would you like that ?
rando_webtard What are you thinking?

mircea_popescu i am thinking, you got lipstick ?
rando_webtard Yes

mircea_popescu first, get some nice whorish red like you have in your pics now, and put SOW on your forehead.
rando_webtard I have to be careful what I post on fet incase someone I know finds it

mircea_popescu what'd happen ? they'd just know you're a slut, big deal.
mircea_popescu maybe they say something, you get humiliated in public.
rando_webtard Is sow a baby pig

mircea_popescu sow is a female pig
mircea_popescu you know, just like you.
rando_webtard Oh
rando_webtard I’m a pig

mircea_popescu write it.
rando_webtard Okay

rando_webtard Do you smoke or drink?
mircea_popescu kinda socially. mostly cigars and venezuelan rum

rando_webtard I mean I’m sure you could potentially
rando_webtard Use me as an ashtray

mircea_popescu more like a toilet, usually. ash is hot, esp from cigars.
rando_webtard Yes a toilet too that would be nice

mircea_popescu do you have a big fat SOW on your forehead now ?
rando_webtard I have SOW
rando_webtard It looks ridiculous

mircea_popescu alright, take a picture, upload it to fet. say "Screenplay by @LordMPofTMSR" in the description. go!
rando_webtard okay yessir

mircea_popescu that's a good oink.
rando_webtard I’m trying to upload it my internet connection is shameful I have to reset the router but my dads in bed

mircea_popescu haha you live with your folks ?
* rando_webtard has quit (Ping timeout: 260 seconds)

And that, my dear chitlins, is the last time anyone heard of this particular little piggy.

The question to the absolutely dedicated entomologists would be, I suppose, to establish whether this was genuinely a girl that chickened out, or whether it was a cousin / younger brother / whatever trolling for cheap thrills under the guise of being some girl he once saw. I confess the flow struck me as very boyish (which is why I even pushed things to the do-or-die dilemma), but then again more experienced, wiser beards in attendance certainly can come to better informed (and if it comes to it, firmer held) opinions on the matter. By all means!

1. Here :

   Me : your class is running away from you, you know.
   Her : Sounds like my class do not have a life to live outside of you

   Me : i'm starting to think this too! she's famous in the forum now, too.
   Her : I had a quick peek at the logs and i can see why. You are very lucky

   Luck, is that what you'd call it ? Hm ? HM ?

   How about

   You’re way too good for me it’s intimidating

   instead ? Hm ? [↩]

2. They genuinely think managing to get on irc after a few hours' hard labour is an accomplishment. I blame the organized child abuse bureaucratic psychopaths agreed among themselves to mislabel "schooling". [↩]
3. You know who you are. [↩]
4. Exposure. [↩]
5. The original reads

   There's some solutions, amongs which notable the more popular : to pretend you're looking for a wife, but then attempt to abuse the female thus conned as a mistress as long as possible. Such behaviour is rathe ignoble, and in the most doubtful taste, which is why I'm neither interested in nor impressed by the vast majority of the faits d'armes of the youth recently arrived at reproductive age -- as they're the most numerous class of confused. They're also somewhat excusable, even if miserable, on the grounds of unmitigated age-bound stupidity. Adults with a highschooler's mind, however, are a different matter.

   and so it stands. [↩]

6. You know who you are, and so do they. Even "they". [↩]