Hey, remember when the Internet didn't suck ?

Remember when Reddit was just another pedo peddling nothing, competing for attention with Jimbo Wales' exact equivalent ?

No ?

Lies.

If you don't remember it's either because you're one of those and "don't remember" accidentally-on-purpose, or else you're genuinely twelve years old and well... terms of endearment. The former group can gtfo straight back to the lime pits it left without a hall pass ; but for the benefit of the latter (and to avoid filling up the log with the stuff) I'm going to collect here the notable partsⁱ of this whole Dick Masterson tradition.

Like with cars and the army, technology has advanced to a point where the barriers of incompetence that once prevented women from entering The Internet have been overcome by mangenuity. As a woman, what do you think would be the best way to deter other women from clogging up the internet with their stupid opinions? Perhaps some kind of a USB device with a Go Go Gadget Five Across the Eyes?
~ Violent Acres interview.

A woman owning property is like giving a monkey a dog on a leash. It doesn’t mean the monkey has a pet. It means some idiot tied a dog to a monkey.
~ Women Caused the Subprime Meltdownⁱⁱ

Sometimes, I feel like the doors of a Hometown Buffet ten minutes before it opens. Every day, dozens of fat broads line up to bust me down.
~ Helping a Fattie

Whether you believe in God or evolution, the only reason women were put on Earth was to have babies. Biologically, it doesn’t matter if Hanna Montana has launched two music careers and trained millions of girls worldwide to act like snotty little cunts — how fucking hard is that? She’ll never be more important than her ovaries. That goes for Hilary Clinton too, but Hilary never actually achieved anything, so she’s a shitty example.ⁱⁱⁱ
~ Bachelor Parties vs. Bachelorette Bitchfests

Christian women may have a high opinion of God, but God doesn’t have a high opinion of them.
~ McCain and the VPILF

It may be funny to say that fat girls give better head because they’re grateful for the human contact, but let’s remember that we’re talking about real people here. And real people get hungry. Nothing says she won’t think your dick is a corndog half way through and take a bite. That’s why fat girls aren’t allowed in nightclubs. They’re a safety hazard.^iv
~ Fat Women: Stay Home!

The answer to, “What would Jesus Do?” Is that he wouldn’t get married. Jesus did not get married, and he didn’t get married for one very good reason: He had shit to do.
~ Top Ten Reasons Marriage is Stupid

Buying a hybrid is like walking into Cesar’s Palace and tipping the valet ten grand instead of dropping it on a roulette wheel. You can uncross your fingers, fucko, Vegas doesn’t give comps for burning cash.
~ Fuck You, Eco-Cunts.

Technology has increased to a point where it’s difficult to identify the culmination of women’s gratuitous shortcomings in today’s modern workforce. Did she miss that email because the computer “messed it up”, or because she was crying in the bathroom? Because of technology, there’s no way to know for sure without growing some balls.
~ What About Teachers, Nurses, and Bank Tellers?

“In women, verbal intelligence was clearly correlated with brain size, accounting for 36 percent of the verbal IQ score,” says a study done by McMaster University researchers. “Spatial intelligence was also correlated with brain size in women, but less strongly. In men, spatial ability was not related to overall brain size. These results suggest th at women may use verbal strategies in spatial thinking, but that in men, verbal and spatial thinking are more distinct.”

And by “are more distinct”, I’m sure the researchers meant “exist”. The only brain study I care about was done by Dmitri Belyaev in 1959. In it, Dmitri concluded that the domestication of animals decreases their brain size as it weeds out aggression, independence, and intelligence, and promotes tendencies toward socialization. Thanks to Dmitri, we know why women have smaller brains. They were domesticated by men.
~ Size Matters

A woman once told me that I had to be nicer to her because it was her “birthday week.” Are you fucking kidding me?

Men are better than women at having birthdays. Men are so much better than women at birthdays that I don’t even know when my birthday is.
~ Happy Birthday. I Got You A ‘Settle the Fuck Down’.

Anal is the only form of birth control shown to be 100% effective. Even abstinence failed once.
~ Greatness Comes in Inches

Since the idea of a dowry went extinct, men have been under fire from women for one thing more than any other: a phobia of commitment. Like stuck walruses, women scream that men have a fear of commitment; a fear that is childish and in constant odds with our biological impulse to screw anything that walks.

That’s bullshit. Men love commitment. Men commit faster and with more enthusiasm than any other creature on Earth. Every time I see a starving dog attack a bowl of food, I think of a man committing to something. Intense!

Marriage is not the definition of commitment.^v A wife takes the same amount of commitment as a house plant. All you have to do is keep her well watered with money and in fifty years she’ll blossom into a ripe old prune. That doesn’t sound like commitment. That sounds like a chore.
~ Men Love Commitment

Girl bands are like middle-management teleconferences. Everyone wants to look as busy as possible, no one is actually doing anything, and it’s all out of sync because technology isn’t magic.
~ Girl Bands Are Shit

A woman’s definition of history is exactly how badly she wishes the present was different. If she’s really fat and she really hates herself for it, then a woman will remember a time when beauty was radically different than it is currently. If a woman feels cheated that her mother was happier being a wife than she’ll ever be as a journalist, she invents a halcyon past of chivalry absolving herself of all personal responsibility.
~ Child-Man in the Promised Land: Response

Just because something has “games” in it does not mean it’s childlike and simple. “Women” has “men” in it, but that doesn’t mean they’re worth more than two shits in a diarrhea storm.
~ ibid.

A woman’s addiction to wedding fantasies starts strongly when she’s a child and become more obsessive and psychotic over time. Nothing about that resembles maturation. It’s the opposite. Women are the only creature on Earth that becomes less mature with experience.
~ ibid.

Women have the choice to get their asses kicked if that’s what they want. They also have the choice to not ask for a raise because they’re cowards and then blame the wage gap on sexism.
~ The Etymology of Chivalry

Women have never had money, continue to have no money, and never will have any money. The only reason women can “own” property in this day and age is because you can’t “own” property in this day and age. You just rent it. If you don’t agree with that, go a year without paying your property tax and send me an apology from the Y. Then send your landlord, the government, the backrent.
~ The Etymology of Chivalry

Pimps have some of the greatest “game” the world has ever seen, but it’s still hard out there for a pimp. What does that tell you about “game”?
~ Dating: Who?

No religion cares about women because women all have their own religion. It’s called the Church of Feelings, and services start the moment a woman wakes up.

However a woman feels about something, that’s the way she remembers it happening. Women’s realities work in reverse. If a woman feels bad about wrecking the bumper on her SUV, then she didn’t mean to do it and history fucked up by not getting the memo. If a woman “tried her best”, then whatever it took fucked up by being too hard. If you disagree, it’s your fault for not remembering it properly. And if any of that sounds bitchy, then that’s your fault too because the woman who said it didn’t mean to sound like a bitch.
~ Motive Means Nothing; or The Church of Feelings

If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
~ Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake

The original American Gladiators was among the top imangination breakthroughs of the early 90’s, picking up right where Miami Vice left off in terms of awesome spectacle and manly attire.^vi
~ American Gladiators

That’s the difference between men and women as single parents. A single mother will let you nail her to a cross, but a single father will carry that cross to a toy store and trade it for a new Nintendo.
~ ibid.

That completes 2008^vii, which is all I have patience for. Enjoy your new fecalbook web, what can I say.

1. The very hit-and-miss comedy act he puts out makes drastic selection necessary. [↩]
2. Incidentally, while it's cleanly documented that "black" ie Afro-American borrowers caused the problem with their gluttonous ineptitude, the relatively smaller but still present role played by single women shouldn't perhaps be ignored. Look up the statistics, they'll tell some toxic facts to last you a lifetime. [↩]
3. Considering this zinger comes flying in its protective coccoon of pure flame straight from 2008...

   ZZZZZZZING! [↩]

4. Apparently they still kicked fatties out of nightclubs in 2008. I had no idea nightclubs even still existed that late.

   Seriously now, when's the last time you actually visited a nightclub ? Pro tip : a nightclub is that place where they don't let you in unless either a) you own the place, or else b) look like you own the place, or finally c) look like a total dork with so many young sluts in tow they're confident you'll shed them in the community pot within minutes of passing the red rope. Come to think of it... have you ever been to a nightclub ? [↩]

5. Have you noticed how this entire "fear of committment" narrative went out of the "public sphere" as the term is misunderstood on obscure USG-run websites just about at the same time the USG-sponsored deskilling took hold ? I guess once men lost the ability to do anything useful they also got to discover that no, nobody wanted them for anything, and especially not "for them". Sucks to have bought into the fanfic, huh! [↩]
6. So it's probably unintentional. What of it. [↩]
7. The site ran 2005 to 2008, gathering a lot more attention early than late ; here included is about 20% of the material, which is what's left after you leave 80% behind for no reason beyond laziness. [↩]