Were I...

Let's continue with the impossible task of translating the Romanian section of Trilema. Today, Daca eram :

Were I a cop I'd have taken no risk, all criminals'd subscribe with me as their fisc.ⁱ
Were I a fireman and were the fire in your house, I'd chase your kids aroundⁱⁱ and then shit on the dinner table.
Were I a gynecologist I'd have amply expanded your wife, starting as early as she could walk... it's healthy to consult, generally speaking no harm can come of it.
Were I a priest I'd have been dangerous, taking confessions off naked female parishioners ; and rubbingⁱⁱⁱ them victoriously and equidistantly : both high and low.^iv

Were I a surgeon I'd forget inside you my old grandfather clock, some pliers^v and a bread knife
Were I a diamond owner, brother... I'd have made a window shop dedicating to cutting broken windows.
Were I a trust fund kid I wouldn't be alive today, but smile at you from a morgue exhibition, preserved in ice.
Were I a cannibal and had I caught you with an ugly broad, I'd have fucked your mouth^vi, fuck the fucking crooked hag^vii.

Were I a rural postman, I'd have run off to the dope dealers in the city, while you died of hunger I'd be smoking grass and hashish.
Were I an undertaker I'd have undertook you directly in the ocean, and then knock on the widow's window, smiling, with my cock.
Were I a pharmacist and you buying downers, I'd have tricked you into stuffing yourself full of anabolics.
Were I a septic tank pump guy, I'd be teleporting pressurized shit, calamity-izing^viii eventually the whole world.

Were I a waiter and you upset at my table you'd have been eating for desert^ix phlegm^x on the side, in style.
Were I a driver I'd have had you as a victim in my police record. Fuck your mother^xi, you'd have left me unemployed.
Were I a thief and we met on the street, I'd have discreetly grabbed your lungs and kidneys, leaving you in a pile.
Were I a pilot and the engine died, I'd have taken your whore^xii in flight. Fuck me, what, I'ma die ?!

Were I a grammar school teacher, your little girl'd have eaten naught but baguettes with buttermilk.^xiii
Were I a plumber I'd have tricked you into holding on to a pipe while I fucked your pregnant wife in the bunghole.
Were I a jerkoff I'd have written naught but bad verse, while rubbing it sadly and vacantly against my ribcage.
Were I a shitty blogger I'd have shown you a picture and let you guess what it is until you went crazy.^xiv

Asta este poza.

As I'm not a shitty blogger, I'm gonna tell you that's a rosemary flower^xv. Ever seen one before ?

1. Look it up! [↩]
2. In Romanian this "chase" is steeped in sexual intent. [↩]
3. In Romanian, to rub is to fuck, except if in the reflexive it's to jack off. [↩]
4. Ie, in the mouth and in the cunt.

   Speaking of which, picture this scene : slavegirl at gynecologist in Romania. The guy's an Arab, and very insistently attentive not to offend the gal. His Romanian's approximative, her Romanian's approximative, so they settle on her native English which is, to him, even more approximative. Then he inquires something to the effect of her being prepared to be examined "downstairs", which she takes to mean that the festivities will be in another room and stands up to leave, which he takes as having terribly offended her sensibility to such a degree she's leaving - he really only meant the snatch periphrastically to the degree of including a flight of stairs. Fun times. [↩]

5. In Romanian, the common multiuse pliers are called "patent" for some reason, possibly because they at some point carried the mention "patent pending" or such. [↩]
6. The one thing street whores wish to know is whether you want it short (ie, cocksucking) or not ; a blowjob is usually both cheap and accessible, a sort of hello in the underworld.

   If you're wondering : it's not a sort of hello in the spheres you inhabit because you're sexually inadequate and for no other reason. Quoth Nell :

   I'm going back to the frozen north, where the pricks are hard and strong. Back to the land of the all-night stand-where the nights are six months long.

   [↩]

7. "A crooked" in the feminine simply denotes an ugly woman. Don't you just love grammatical gender ? Hm ? [↩]
8. Romanian is a proper language. This means any noun can be verbed and any verb can be nouned. Consequently calamity readily becomes "to calamitate", with a continuous tense and everything else. [↩]
9. Technically, 2nd course is the steak because all Romanian meals start with soup. Hors d'oeuvres are not counted as a course - much like "parter" is not counted as a floor. [↩]
10. In Romanian the word denotes individual globs rather than the matter collectively. [↩]
11. Literally : may you stick my penis into your mother. [↩]
12. Parasuta, ie, parachute. Of course. [↩]
13. Romanian schools have this pastry and milk specialties for kiddies thing. [↩]
14. This references a tradition on Trilema, of the various "teste de cultura". Such as : Test de cultura vizuala ; Test de cultura vizuala 2 ; Test de cultura vizuala 3 ; Test de cultura vizuala 4 ; Test de cultura vizuala 5 ; Test de cultura geografica [NSFW] ; Test de cultura vizuala 6 ; Test de cultura vizuala - VII ; Test de cultura artistica ; Test de inteligenta ; Test de cultura vizuala 9 (nsfw) ; Test de cultura vizuala 7 ; Test de cultura vizuala 8 ; Test de cultura textuala 1 (cred) ; Test de cultura vizuala 10 (cred) ; Test de cultura vizuala XII ; Test de cultura vizuala 13, sau fapte de-ale gurii ; Test de cultuva rizuala 14 ; Test de cultura si civilizatie anglo-sex. Oneoneone. ; Test de cultura botanica ; Test de Americana ; Test de cultura poliginica online ; Test de cultura poliginica online, editia II ; Test de cultura sociala ; Test de cultura vizuala 15 (sau XV) ; Test de stupiditate ; Test de cultura vizuala 16 ; Test de cultura textuala ; Test de inteligenta : Care dintre aceste mere nu belongheaza ? ; Test de perspicacitate vizuala ; Test de cultura botanica II ; Test de cultura botanica III ; Test de curvidentificare vizuala ; Test de cultura mutuala ; Test de cultura termodinamica.

    Go me. [↩]

15. No it isn't, it's just some random flower growing through the bush. [↩]