The Wrestler

Motto: Then that Cobain pussy
had to come around and ruin it all.ⁱ

The Wrestlerⁱⁱ enjoys the dubious distinction of being the worst filmed film of its year, and possibly decade. I get it, gear is expensiveⁱⁱⁱ, people to point it even more expensive, gonzo and all that. Nevertheless, most ad-hoc drunken porn produced on campus in the wee hours enjoys better framing, and I say this on the solid if slippery basis of very extensive review.

Mickey Rourke is a terrible actor. It sort-of works in context, washed up has been meathead he can do. The subculture, with the flag and the Nintendo and the "real man" of the 80s hair band glimmers through his cracked mudskin. He tans, just like Trump. I mean exactly, the bed, the goggles, the works. He'd like to make America "great again", an America that only ever existed in his mind and only appeared great for the tightness.

Marisa Tomei is a splendid actress, and still underrated. The director does not understand how to use her^iv, which results in unexciting stripping acts and bad hats. But hey - at least she makes Mickey appear almost human height.

The script is certainly the strongest part of this thing, in that it toys with viewer expectations just enough to redeem everything else and leave a thin sliver above water. Will she or won't she, is he or isn't are permanent fixtures as the rolls roll. For an example, riddle me this : an aging wrestler and an aging stripper each have their own kid (opposite sex, as is fitting). The latter is a given^v, but the former's somewhat unexpected. The stripper won't get close to clients, a rule burned into her through constant reinforcement. The daughter wants her daddy, just like any other girl. So who does Randy the Ram end up with, the daughter or the stripper ?

The Wrestler is not the worst way you could spend some time in the mancave.

1. Overheard in my mancave :

   - How did Cobain ruin it anyway? It shoulda been...Britney Spears.
   - Nah nah, that's too late. They were saying the 90s ruined the hair bands, she's too late. He's probably just the most recognizable, what were they going to do, "Oh that Michael Stipe ruined everything," "Who's that?!".

   - The one before her then, who was that?
   - I dunno, still too late though, there weren't any of them in the 90s.

   - No, there was another one, in between N'Sync and
   - That's already too late. That's like '98.

   - So when was Backstreet Boys?
   - Same time.

   - These weren't simultaneous though.
   - Maybe a coupla years apart, same thing. I dunno. Do you mean Christina Aguilera?

   - Yeah.
   - Yeah, too late.

   - So they got it? There's nobody else that works? Kenny Rodgers. How about that. Kenny fucking Rogers ruined it.
   - Wasn't he around in like the 60s?

   - Yeah. MC Hammer! He ruined it!
   - It was supposed to be rock though. They ruined the 80s hair bands is the idea.

   - What did they have?
   - I dunno, stupid hair.

   - What does it look like?
   - Like him.

   - So nobody else?
   - I guess. Maybe like Robert Smith or something, but I don't think enough people'd know who that is.

   - Those Nine Inch Nails idiots.
   - Again though, not enough people'd know what that is. And not really rock-y enough.

   - Yeah. Yoko Ono.
   - She's from like 1880s

   - Yeah but they heard about her in the 1980s.
   - Nobody heard of her outside of Greenwich Village.

   - Hm. That stupid bitch Baez dun it, how about that. Oh, I know! Bon Jovi!
   - Oh, totally.

   - What'd he do though.
   - You know, he turned arena rock into this touchy-feely--

   - For women!
   - Yeah, to appeal to women whiny stuff. And then he got a spot on Sex and the City.

   - He did?
   - Yep.

   - That's it then.

   [↩]

2. 2008, by Darren Aronofsky, with Marisa Tomei, Mickey Rourke. [↩]
3. Aronofsky & co were so poor Mickey Rourke got paid 100k in a brown paper bag, and Axl Rose actually donated some tracks.

   Which perhaps explains how come Kurt Cobain gets to take the blame for what's clearly a Bon Jovi deed.

   You know, Bon Jovi, the band where Axl Rose was lead drummer ? [↩]

4. For instance : the title character, Robin Ramsinsky is billed as Randy the Ram (but otherwise a transparent Randy Savage in a Hulk Hogan wig). The Ram, geddit ? He even drives around a Dodge Ram. On the other hand the thing Marisa Tomei does best is bounce about in giddy excitement. But she never gets to do any. [↩]
5. Stripping is grueling. I doubt there's anything nearly as taxing available on the job market. Without motherhood to incentivize and center, a woman has very slim chances of sticking with it, sticking with the schedule, sticking with the hand stuck up her ass, sticking with the sweat and the stick of it all hour after hour after shot after hour. College sluts fill amateur nights, but an old stripper is a mother nine cases out of ten. [↩]