The Story of Elliot Rodger. By Elliot Rodger. Adnotated. Part Three.

But we digress.

13 Years Old

I enjoyed the rest of the summer as best as I could. On the first Planet Cyber session after being back from vacation, I met up with John Jo. They had the new Warcraft 3 expansion available to play, and the two of us tried it out.

I had a sleepover with Charlie and Elijah, and they introduced me to their friend Julian Ritz-Barr. Julian went to Topanga Elementary with us, though he was two grades lower, so I never knew him beforehand. I thought he was very cool, but a bit stupid.ⁱ We competed with each other at Planet Cyber. I continued to see him with Charlie and Elijah a few more times after that.

Coincidentally, Julian’s parents were friends with Rob Lemelson, and I didn’t know this at the time. A few years down the line, I would cross paths with Julian again at one of the Lemelson’s parties, where I would spitefully envy him for being so confident with everyone.

When the summer ended, I cried a little.

Meanwhile, when the summer ended I had sex with your mom.

It was such a great summer. I went on a vacation, I saw lots of friends, played lots of games, and enjoyed life to its fullest. Of course, I didn’t know at the time that this was the last good summer in my life, but I still cried... as I always do after a joyful experience comes to an end.

Eighth Grade began on a very mellow note. For the first couple of months, I continued on with the life I’ve been living, and things seemed ok. The main people I hung out with at school were Alfred Graham, Gavin Dowd, and Brice Miller. Alfred was just getting good at skateboarding, and he was starting to become popular with the skateboarders. He once brought his skateboard to school and landed a kickflip, the move I was never able to master in the past. I was secretly jealous, even though I insisted to everyone that I was no longer interested in skateboarding.

I started to take more notice of the kids in lower grades, specifically the Seventh Graders. There was one who came in from Topanga Elementary, the older brother of one of Georgia’s friends. His name was Neil Davis. I observed the popular kids of Seventh Grade... In a way they visually mimicked the popular kids of my own grade. They were all the same, though the Seventh Graders seemed a lot meaner. I noticed that Neil Davis was starting to be friends with them, even with the pretty girls. I would gradually develop a great envy towards him. Another one was Lucky Radley, the black kid I played with in father’s neighborhood. He transferred to Pinecrest during that very year, and he immediately became popular with the pretty girls of his grade. I hated him for it.

Things were getting more intense every year we grew older, and I didn’t want to grow up. I wanted to live the life I was comfortable with. I wanted to live in a world of fairness, and I tried not to accept that it would soon come to an end.

The games I enjoyed playing at Planet Cyber were too powerful to run on my mother’s computer, so Planet Cyber was the only place I could play them. That was until I asked my father to buy me Warcraft 3 to install on his powerful laptop. I got the Frozen Throne expansion to go with it, and once it was installed I was able to play it on his laptop whenever he allowed me to. I thought it was really cool to actually play an online game from my own home. Father’s house became a lot more fun after this, though I hated it when Soumaya set limits on my playtime.

When father invited the Bubenheims over, Alex sometimes brought his friends Gary and Antje Twinn. They had a son named Vincent, who was the same age as my sister and a good friend of Lukas. Vincent was a kind-hearted and sweet little boy who was a bit overweight. I showed him Warcraft 3 on my father’s computer. He was very interested in the game, and he would watch me for hours. He really looked up to me. We got along well.

Show a kind-hearted, sweet little boy who was a bit overweight Warcraft 3, then never let him play it.

Please let the fairness never end.

One day, I was looking up things on the internet about Warcraft 3. That is when I found out about a new, revolutionary Warcraft game coming out, called World of Warcraft. I didn’t think much of it at the time, ignorant of the effect it would have on me in my later life.

Gradually, my friendship with John Jo, Charlie, and Elijah started to wane. They no longer came over as a group anymore. Our usual Friday sleepovers stopped happening, as they got more busy with other things. John Jo and Charlie slowly started to get bored of Planet Cyber, which caused them to lose their interest in coming over every week. I continued to see them individually; sometimes I would see Charlie and Elijah together, sometimesjust Elijah, and sometimesjustJohn Jo.

Due to them coming over less often, I began to walk to Planet Cyber alone. I never did this before, because my friends came over so much and we would go together. I would usually play Diablo 2 or Warcraft 3 there. For a time, I did this as a routine without getting bored. Sometimes I would meet John Jo there and we would have intense Warcraft 3 competitions with each other.

After a few more weeks into autumn, I began to get a bit depressed over the fact that the good times I had with my main group of friends was fading away. I started to walk to Planet Cyber alone just to reminisce such times. Sometimes I would stay there for hours into the night. I never thought I would get bored of the highly entertaining games there, but after playing them so much on my own, I was surprised that I was getting a bit bored. Good times always come to an end, and I always had a hard time accepting this fact.

One time while I was alone at Planet Cyber, I saw an older teenager watching pornography. I saw in detail a video of a man having sex with a hot girl. The video showed him stick his penis inside a girl’s vagina. I didn’t know anything about sex at the time. I barely even knew what sex was. I was slowly starting to develop sexual feelings for hot girls, but I didn’t know what to do with them. To see this video really traumatized me. I had no idea what I was seeing... I couldn’t imagine human beings doing such things with each other. The sight was shocking, traumatizing, and arousing. All of these feelings mixed together took a great toll on me. I walked home and cried by myself for a bit. I felt too guilty about what I saw to talk to my parents about it. I was quite shaken for a few days.

This was among the very first glimpses I had of sex. Finding out about sex is one of the things that truly destroyed my entire life. Sex... the very word fills me with hate. Once I hit puberty, I would always want it, like any other boy. I would always hunger for it, I would always covet it, I would always fantasize about it. But I would never get it. Not getting any sex is what will shape the very foundation of my miserable youth. This was a very dark day.

Soon enough, I would inevitably find out about what sex was, whether I saw that foul video or not. Boys at my school started talking about it. Connor Hanrahan and his friend Jordan Carlton one day told me exactly what happens when a man and a woman have sex. Finding out about sex was just the beginning of my horrific downfall.

Do you find it perhaps a little bit unnerving that for all the abundance of names in this narrative (seriously, who the fuck recalls the full names of random kids from middle school ?!) there is literally no one there who isn't a proximate nobody ? There's no artist ; no singer ; no writer ; nothing. James Bond once, if you count that. Some dude's name that's a sport apparel brand, if you count that. Kid never heard of anyone, feels no need to mention anyone. Has he become infatuated with Schopengoord, like any normalⁱⁱ 12 yo ? If he has we do not know (yes we know - he hasn't even heard of either). The father is assistant director on the spare unit of some obscure made-for-TV shit and the kid has never read a book, or ever had a thought about anything not directly present before his eyes. A purely canine existence.

My father and mother arranged to change our routine back to one-week, one-week. Father wanted to spend more time with us, and it was agreed that this would be the way. I was angry about this, because I felt satisfied with the way things were. If it went back to one-week, one-week, I would have to spend time at father’s even if father wasn’t there, and I hated that. I didn’t see how it enabled father to spend more time with us, because he was always going away for work anyway. But alas, I had no choice in the matter, and the arrangement was set. This is how it would remain from that point on... My living arrangement wouldn’t change again until I turn 18 and Soumaya kicks me out.

When Christmas came, I told father that I would like a new computer game. Father took me out shopping for my new present. We first went to Comp USA on Victory Boulevard, but they didn’t have a large selection of games. I was on the verge of just choosing to buy Diablo 2, a game I had already spent hours on at Planet Cyber. But then, I decided that since Best Buy was just across the street, we should go and have a look at the games there.

At Best Buy, I saw the game World of Warcraft. It had just come out a few weeks ago. I picked up the box and looked at it for a few minutes. The game looked amazing and alluring, so I decided to choose World of Warcraft as my Christmas present. I spent more time looking it over and reading about it on the way home.

The only computer I could play World of Warcraft on was father’s laptop, but father was always using his laptop for work. I had to wait a long time to get a chance to play it.ⁱⁱⁱ After reading the game manual, I got extremely excited to play it. It was a whole new type of game for me, an MMORPG that would enable me to make my own character in a huge online fantasy world, and it was a world I was already familiar with through playing Warcraft 3. This game was a hundred times bigger than any game I’ve played in the past. The more I read about the game, the more anticipated I became.

I know what he means, we're all excruciated over here.

After almost a month went by after getting World of Warcraft, I was finally able to play it. I made a WoW account with my father, and then I created my first character, a night elf druid. It really blew my mind. My first experience with WoW was like stepping into another world of excitement and adventure. It was a video game world, but they made it so realistic that it was like living another life, a more exciting life.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. World of Warcraft, so realistic it was liek life++ ?! I just don't even.

My life was getting more and more depressing at that point, and WoW would fill in the void.^iv It felt refreshing and relieving. I was only able to play it for a few hours for my first session. It was all I would think about when I wasn’t able to play it.

Mother didn’t have a good enough computer to run World of Warcraft, so I felt a bit frustrated because of that. I thought of how awesome it would be if Planet Cyber had the game, but I doubted that it did. One afternoon, I walked to Planet Cyber with my WoW disks and asked them if they can install my disks onto one of their computers. The owner told me the game was already being installed, and I was thrilled to hear those words. It wasn’t ready yet, however, and I had to wait. I kept going back to Planet Cyber every day to wait for it, and played other games there while they were still processing it.^v It was a fun wait, and I knew I will eventually be able to play it. Finally, after spending three days at Planet Cyber waiting, it was ready. I loaded the game and logged onto my account. I was completely ecstatic. I spent all of my free time in the next few days playing it. The owner of Planet Cyber came to know me because of this series of events, and he named me his best customer.^vi

I invited Charlie over, and he came with Stephen, an old friend from Topanga Elementary whom I hadn’t seen for a while. I found out that they both had their own WoW accounts, and we went to Planet Cyber to play it together. I made a new character on their server just to play with them, though I would eventually discard this character.

I saw Charlie only a few more times after that. Elijah was busy with some life problems and stopped coming over. John Jo simply vanished from my life at this point, for no particular reason. I can’t recall the exact last time I saw him, but it was around this period.

My mother decided to move to an apartment in Woodland Hills. I reacted indignantly. An apartment! I had never lived in an apartment before, and I always thought of apartments as being poor and low-class. I would be embarrassed to admit it to anyone.

Poor kid.

The apartment building was called the Renaissance Apartments^vii, near the Warner Center area of Woodland Hills. We moved into a two bedroom apartment. Mother knew I was too old to share a room with my sister, so she gave me the second bedroom, and she and my sister shared the master bedroom.

Leaving the blue house on Glade Avenue was hard. I had so many good times with my friends there. And to move out of it at the very time that I stopped seeing those friends... it was quite emotional. I cried on our last day there.

My mother’s new apartment was not walking distance from Planet Cyber, and I was a bit embarrassed to show that I lived in an apartment, so I stopped seeing any friends. Elijah was the last person in the group who I saw. I was at Planet Cyber and he tapped me on the shoulder. It was a random meeting. The two of us talked for a bit about the new Halo 2 game, and I showed him my WoW character. That was the last time I saw him.

Eventually, I lost all contact with Charlie, John Jo, and Elijah. The friends I had such a good times with for the last two years were no longer my friends. They were lost to me. I also stopped seeing Philip and Jeffrey... they simply just forgot about me, I assumed. The only friend who remained to me was James Ellis.

The upside of moving to the apartment was that my mother acquired high speed internet. I was able to play World of Warcraft on her computer, along with Halo 2 on Xbox Live.

This was the point when my social life ended completely. I would never have a satisfying social life ever again. It was the beginning of a very lonely period of my life, in which my only social interactions would be online through video games, with the sole exception being my friendship with James. The ability to play video games with people online temporarily filled in the social void. I got caught up in it, and I was too young and naive to realize the severity of how far I had fallen. I was too scared to accept it. This loss of a social life, coupled with the advent of puberty, caused me to die a little inside. It was too much for me to handle, and I stopped caring about my life and my future. I even stopped caring about what people thought of me. I hid myself away in the online World of Warcraft, a place where I felt comfortable and secure.

Part 4

Stuck in the Void Age 13-17

James Ellis also acquired Xbox Live with Halo 2. I started to play it with him online, and our friendship reignited after being stale for the previous year. We would meet up online after school, or on Saturday mornings. The two of us battled on Halo 2 over the internet, just like we did with our Nintendo 64 games when we were children.

James would be my only friend throughout the next depressing and lonely period of my life. My friendship with James helped me cope with the loneliness. The very few fun times we would have were like a light in the darkness for me.

Now that I was able to play World of Warcraft at my mother’s house with no limitations, aside from school and homework, I became very addicted to the game and my character in it. It was all I cared about.

I was so immersed in the game that I no longer cared about what people thought of me. I only saw school as something that took time away from WOW. I became very bored at school, mainly due to the fact that I was still the invisible quiet kid. To alleviate this boredom, I started to act weird and annoying to people just to gain attention.

I became known as the "weird kid” at Pinecrest, and people started to make fun of me, but I didn’t care. I had my online games to distract me from the harsh realities of life that I was too scared to face. The only time I did care was when a group of popular Seventh Grade girls started teasing me, which hurt a lot. One of these girls was Monette Moio^viii, a pretty blonde girl who was Ashton’s younger sister. She must have thought I was an ultimate loser. I hated her so much, and I will never forget her. I started to hate all girls because of this. I saw them as mean, cruel, and heartless creatures that took pleasure from my suffering.

At father’s house, I was forced to change my bedroom to the downstairs room that Tracy once occupied. My old bedroom was to be given to my baby brother... Soumaya was due to give birth to him very soon. I was quite annoyed at this. That room was the room that made me so enthusiastic about moving to that house. Father and Soumaya thought moving me was the best solution. The new baby would get a room close to them, and I would have the much bigger downstairs room.

When I moved to the downstairs room, I slowly agreed that it was the sensible thing to do. My new room was twice the size of my old one, I still had my own bathroom, and I also had the hallway that led to it. Technically, I had the whole bottom floor of the three story house to myself. The only bad thing about this was that I would get scared to walk down those stairs at night when it’s dark... the light switch was at the bottom of the stairs. I’ve always been afraid of the dark.

Soumaya gave birth to a newborn baby boy, and they named him Jazz.

What the fuck is wrong with these people.

It happened during father’s week. While father and Soumaya were at the hospital, Alex Bubenheim picked us up from school and we stayed at his house in the afternoons. This occurred for three days, and finally, on the day of the birth, father showed up to announce the birth of Jazz. We had a little celebration, and the song ”Jessie’s Girl” played from Alex’s sound system. Whenever I heard that song in the future, I would always think of that day.

It was an exciting day. I actually had a brother... It was hard to believe. Technically he is my half- brother, but I would always term him as my brother. I wasn’t as impacted by his birth as I expected myself to be, possibly because I was so caught up in my own personal and emotional changes that I was going through at that stage.

Spring break came up, the first break from school since I started playing WOW. I considered myself extremely fortunate that I was at my mother’s house for that week. I disliked being at father’s house, because I had so many limits on the amount of time I could play my game. On the onset of spring break, I planned to spend the whole time on WoW, leveling up my character and forgetting about my horrible school life.

I invited James to come over to my mother’s apartment for the first time. We played a round of Halo 2, and then I decided to show him World of Warcraft. He knew nothing about it. I was very eager to get him into it. WoW was his kind of game, after all. He seemed very interested.

We went to father’s house for Easter Sunday. He took us to a party held by some new friends of his, the Thompsons. Alongside the Bubenheims, the Thompsons became frequent guests at my father’s dinner parties. They consisted of John Thompson, a successful film producer, and his wife Tatiana. They had three children: Isabella, the oldest daughter, was two years younger than me, and the twins Josh and Alessandra were the same age as my sister.

The Thompsons consisted of John Thompson, a successful film producer, and Tatiana, an incompetent cocksucker.

On the first day me and my sister met them, and I believe it was on that Easter Sunday, we played with them splendidly in their backyard. But soon, after they came over a few more times, I began to have uneasy feelings of nervousness and fear around the two girls, mainly because I thought all girls hated me. The way I was treated by girls at my school played a big part in my resentment towards all of them during this time. This resentment would only grow larger the more I am treated unfairly by the female gender.

Mother took us to the premiere of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. As a huge Star Wars fan, this was a big day for me. Episode 3 would complete the whole Star Wars saga. It was the most anticipated movie. To be able to see it before everyone else made me feel special. I really liked the character Anakin Skywalker, and I was amazed to see his epic transformation into Darth Vader on the high quality big screen.

I bet it musta been pretty luxurious.

Finally having something to brag about, I told everyone at school the next day that I went to the premiere because my mother is friends with George Lucas. The problem was that most Eighth Graders thought of Star Wars as being a ”nerdy” interest, and they didn’t really care. I was left frustrated and disappointed by their reaction.

Nobody could have foreseen this one.

As middle school approached its ultimate end, I was having a miserable time there. I was extremely unpopular, widely disliked, and viewed as the weirdest kid in the school. I had to act weird in order to gain attention. I was tired of being the invisible shy kid. Infamy is better than total obscurity.

The teasing I received was bittersweet. It felt horrible to be teased and bullied... it caused me a lot of pain and anger... but at the same time I got a kick out of getting so much attention. It felt good to be confident enough to pick fights with the popular skateboarder kids. It was either that, or continue to be ignored by everyone like I was in Sixth and Seventh Grade. I never knew how to gain positive attention, only negative.

My experience during Middle School really darkened my view of the world, and it would only get darker from then on, as I suffered more and more. The way I was treated by girls at this time, especially by that evil bitch Monette Moio, sparked an intense fear of girls. The funny part of this is that I had a secret crush on Monette.

'Cuz I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby...

She was the first girl I ever had a crush on, and I never admitted it to anyone. To be teased and ridiculed by the girl I had a crush on wounded me deeply. The world that I grew up thinking was bright and blissful was all over. I was living in a depraved world, and I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to give any thought to it. That is why I immersed myself entirely into my online games like World of Warcraft. I felt safe there.

I was so obsessed with playing WoW that I never gave much serious thought to the fact that I would have to go to High School soon. As the end of middle school neared, the prospect started to loom over me more and more. At one moment I pictured what my life in high school would be like, based on how things have been for me in middle school. It was not a bright picture. I didn’t want to have to deal with the cruelty of girls in high school, and I imagined that it would be much worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. I begged my parents to send me to Crespi Carmelite High School, a catholic all-boys school.

This is definitely a first. I never heard before of a boy begging to go to a Catholic all boys school in preference of... well, anything else, really.

Father took me there for a tour, and it didn’t look so bad. It was a very prestigious private school. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with any fear of girls there. We submitted an application. A few weeks later I received the news that I had been accepted to Crespi.

Eighth Grade Graduation was a nightmare. Everyone was required to go up on stage and speak to the whole audience. We had to say our name, and tell everyone what school we were planning on going to. The audience consisted of all of the student’s families, as well as any siblings or friends who wished to attend. Both of my parents came, as well as Soumaya, Khadija, my sister, and even my baby brother Jazz.

It took place in the evening. As I lined up, I could feel myself shaking. I was scared even to speak in front of a classroom. To speak in a microphone to hundreds of people was too much. I didn’t understand how everyone else seemed to be fine with it. I envied their bravery. When my name was called, I didn’t want to go, but it was required of me, and I pushed myself to do it. I walked up to the microphone and nervously said ”My name is Elliot, and I plan on going to Crespi High School”. I heard my own voice in the speakers and saw everyone staring at me. It made me cringe. I quickly walked away for the next person to go up. It was over. Eighth Grade was over. Middle School was over.

I said a few farewells to the people I knew. Alfred Graham and Brice Miller told me they were going to Crespi as well. At least I will know two people at Crespi on the first day, I thought.

The thought of going to High School sent a shiver through me. I put it in the back of my mind to deal with later.

After the ceremony, I said goodbye to the principal, and she congratulated me on completing middle school. On the way home, my family seemed very proud of me. I didn’t feel proud. I didn’t feel like I accomplished anything. Middle School, though it started out ok in the first two years, ended up being a disaster.

For the summer break, I planned on spending the whole time playing WoW and forgetting about everything else. I reached the highest level on my WoW character: level 60. I actually considered this to be a huge and important accomplishment.

Why the fuck do US kids even go to school anymore ? Evidently it's not memorable. What exactly is the principal congratulating him on ? "Completing" ? What did he complete ? How would he have not completed ? Who didn't complete and why ?

Daycare would cost less, and they could play WoW the whole time, which would among many other advantages significantly reduce personal injury risk. Besides, if they just kept them in diapers the whole duration they wouldn't even need to interrupt raids to go to the bathroom - not to mention abstinence-only wouldn't even need to be advertised anymore.

Which reminds me : if they just chained them to the WoWpads and pumped them full of antibiotics IV they probably wouldn't even have to flush the shit out more often than once a month or two.

I joined a guild with my character, and I made a few online friends though it. I couldn’t wait to play my character further, exploring everything the game had to offer and collecting more armor pieces and trinkets.

In just a week into my summer break, my mother told me that father and Soumaya were going to Morocco, and I would be forced to go with them. This news upset me tremendously. I then asked how long this trip would be, and I was told it would be eight weeks. EIGHT WEEKS?! I could not believe what I was hearing. I threw a big tantrum.

For one thing, I was never enthusiastic about Morocco. The country is very backwards, and that made me very uncomfortable. They didn’t even have the latest video games.

I hear they had pretty easy girls though...

And to be forced to go there for eight weeks? That would take up the entire summer and the first two weeks of high school. It was even longer than the last time we went, and I thought that was too long. I wouldn’t be able to play WoW at all for two whole months. The prospect devastated me. I begged my mother to not let me go, but father and Soumaya insisted on bringing me and Georgia, and my mother was probably looking forward to having two months without children to look after. The decision was made, the plans were set. They already had a plane ticket ready for me. I was going to Morocco. I bet they all knew I would protest against going, which is why they told me last minute.

He keeps whining about rando yoga airheads in middle school not wanting him hotly and humidly ; but his real problem is that neither woman gravitating around his father can fucking stand him. This is the catastrophe here, and if he had an inkling of preservation instinct left he'd have attented to it post haste.

The last day of mother’s week was the day before we would depart. Mother took me and my sister to a barbeque at the house of her friends Alan and Rebecca. I was very sad for the whole day. I didn’t do anything at the barbeque except swing on their swing in misery. When we got home I played WoW for the very last time. I took advantage of the few hours I had left on it. My mother allowed me to stay up until midnight playing. I acquired a very nice piece of armor for my character. I didn’t want to leave it.

When we arrived at father’s house the next day, I heard even more upsetting news. Father had to work for the first few weeks of summer, so he would joining us in the middle of the trip. It was only Soumaya taking us to Morocco! I always hated traveling with Soumaya. She made everything so difficult. Baby Jazz will be coming along with us, of course, and the stress of looking after a whelping baby while traveling will put Soumaya in a bad mood. I was not happy at all.

As I expected, the journey there was a disaster. Baby Jazz cried a lot during the trip, and Soumaya wasn’t at her best of moods. We didn’t take First Class, and we had to make three stops; once in Michigan, again in Paris, and yet again in Casablanca, before taking a small plane to Tangier. It was a miserable journey, the complete opposite of the great time I had a year ago on the trip to Malaysia.

We took a taxi to Khadija’s house right after we arrived. Khadija went home to Morocco on a different plane a few days before us, and she was already settled in. After unpacking at Khadija’s house, we walked to Soumaya’s father’s huge house where I met Ayman again. I remembered playing with Ayman on my last trip to Morocco... He grew up a lot since then. To my dismay, he was taller and stronger than me, despite being two years younger. I was always short and physically weak... that’s how it’s been all my life. We instantly became friends again after catching up a little, and I played hide-and- seek tag with him and his two younger brothers.

I disliked having to be in Morocco for the whole summer, but I tried to make the best of it.

Who the fuck goes to Morocco for the summer! I could see it as punishment for misbehaving / annoying girl and her litter, perhaps, but it's fucking perverse.

Ayman made the time I spent there more fun. We often went out by ourselves to explore the city of Tangier. Ayman knew where everything was, and Soumaya trusted him to show me around. Georgia sometimes came with us. We had a few good times together, and we got along well.

The Thompsons joined us in Morocco a couple of weeks after we arrived. Georgia was happy that Alessandra, Josh, and Isabella were there to play with her. I was not happy about it. I was so scared of girls at that time that I kept my distance from Alessandra and Isabella. I didn’t want to admit to Ayman that I was scared of girls though, that would have been embarrassing, so I just told him that I thought they were too immature. He didn’t understand this, because I myself was very immature at the time.

For my 14th birthday, Soumaya organized a small party at her father’s house. Most of the guests were her Moroccan friends, and some of them didn’t even know that the party was for my birthday.

Ahahaha oookay.

I was a bit annoyed by this. They had a cake arranged for me, and when it was brought out everyone gathered to wish me a happy birthday. That would be the last time I spent my birthday with more people than just my family. I was amazed that I was actually fourteen. Fourteen sounded like such a big number. I didn’t feel fourteen. I still felt like a kid, and in all appearances, I was.

Father couldn’t even make it for my birthday. I was a bit upset about this. He came a few days after it. Once he arrived, we toured around Tangier and a few other areas as a family. Khadija and Ayman sometimes came along with us. Soumaya’s father owned a house on the beach, and we usually went there for beach trips. I caught a virus while swimming in the ocean once, which caused me to get extremely ill. I spent a whole week of the vacation in bed, aching and vomiting. I was never that ill before in my life. Whenever I would think about Morocco in the future, I thought about that horrid experience.

At one time towards the end of the trip, when I had a sleepover with Ayman at Soumaya’s father’s house, he showed me some European porn videos in the middle of the night. I could observe the act of sex in much more detail than that one glimpse I had at Planet Cyber. I didn’t want to look, but my curiosity got the better of me. To see a video of human beings doing such weird and unspeakable things with each other revolted me. I couldn’t understand what I was seeing. And yet, I noticed I was feeling aroused. I felt desire to do those things, to have sex with the naked women I saw in the video. It was a funny feeling that overwhelmed my whole body. I could feel my penis getting hard. This is when I noticed that I was finally going through puberty. Heavens save me.

The trip was way too long, and towards the end I felt depressed and homesick. All I wanted was to go back home and play WoW, and yet I had to accept that once I did get home, I had to start high school right away. I supposed that being able to play WoW again would make up for that, though. And it would sure beat staying in Morocco for any longer. I was growing tired of it.

14 Years Old

I felt a wave of relief when we arrived back in the United States. We had to travel separately from father again because he had a different flight schedule, but it wasn’t that bad on the way back because I was looking forward to playing WoW again.

I only had one free day before I had to start school. When I got back to mother’s house, I gave her a big hug... That was the longest time I had been away from mother. After that, I immediately asked if I can go on her computer and play my game. I logged onto my character, which was just the way I left it two months ago. I said hi to all of my online friends and tried to catch up on everything.

The dreaded day arrived all too soon. I had to start High School. School had already begun while I was still in Morocco, so I would be the ”new kid” again. That made it so much worse. My father drove me there on the first day. When we got there, I was intimidated by all the huge high school boys, and I cried in the car for a few minutes, telling my father that I was too scared to get out.

I had to go, and eventually I did. We walked to the main office where I ran into Brice Miller. We greeted each other before I was led up to join my first class of the day. Alfred Graham was in that class, and he helped me settle in.

Aren't you curious what this "settle in" entails ? You know he's not artillery piece to have trenches dug around and such. Girls often use similar terminology, but with them it's understandable, they have to sort through large collection of only slightly different items, arrange and re-arrange them just-right and so on. What does a boy of 14 need settle-in help with ? Checking if his stocking ruffles are in order ? Is the hem straight ? Is the sit-on dildo lubed ? The mind boggles.

During lunchtime, Alfred showed me around the whole school. I started to feel a lot more comfortable. He introduced me to some of the other freshmen. In the courtyard, I met Pascal and his clique of friends. I immediately took a disliking to them. Pascal was cocky and popular, so I felt intimidated. He was like the Crespi equivalent of Robert Morgan. As I met a few more people, I ran into Keaton Webber! I didn’t expect to find any more people I knew at Crespi. It really took me by surprise. I hadn’t seen Keaton since he left Topanga Elementary at the end of Fourth Grade. Keaton was still the arrogant jerk he always was at Topanga, and he had his own clique of skateboarder friends, such as Andy Moussa and Aaron Amman.

As I expected, I failed to make any new friends. I was so overwhelmed by the brutality of the world that I just didn’t care anymore. On the very first week, I had my first experience of true bullying, not just the teasing I had at Pinecrest. Some horrible Twelfth Graders saw me as a target because I looked like a ten year old and I was physically weak. They threw food at me during lunchtime and after school. It enraged me, but I was too scared to do anything about it. What kind of horrible, depraved people would poke fun at a boy younger than them who has just entered high school? I thought to myself.

After the first few weeks of high school, I concluded that my time at Crespi would not be pleasant at all. I withdrew further into the World of Warcraft, neglecting my homework and spending all of my free time playing it.

As a late birthday present, father bought me a new laptop that was able to run WoW. It wasn’t a very powerful laptop, but it performed adequately. This enabled me to have more time playing my game. During father’s week, Soumaya was always on my back about how much time I spent on WoW, but since my room was on the bottom floor, secluded from the rest of the house, I was able to sneak as much time on it as I could.

While I was playing WoW after dinner at mother’s house once, I heard my sister watching the new show Avatar: The Last Airbender on the television. I decided to check it out. I soon found myself really enjoying it. It was a magnificent story set in a fantasy world where people can control the power of the elements. Once I watched the first episode, I was hooked on the story. Prince Zuko was my favorite character; he was a banished prince who was trying to regain his rightful place in the world. I always related to him. Avatar: The Last Airbender became my favorite T.V. show.

My mother informed me that she was just on the phone to Arte Ellis, and he told her that James now played World of Warcraft. I was very pleased to hear this. I could now share my greatest interest in the world with my good friend... my only friend. I then went over to James’s house for a sleepover, which I hadn’t done for a while. He showed me his WoW character, who was only level 20. We weren’t on the same server, so we couldn’t play it together. The only way would be for one of us to start over, and we were too immersed in our characters to do that. I was fine with that. James was really fascinated by my level 60 character, and most of the time he would just watch me play, anyway. We also played a lot of Halo 2 together.

Having these common interests with James reminded me of the good old days when we were children; when we were both interested in skateboarding, and before that, Pokemon. This nostalgic experience provided a small respite from my sufferings at school.

My life at Crespi got even worse. Alfred and Brice apparently told everyone how weird I was at Pinecrest, and people in my own grade started to tease me. They found out that I didn’t like being called a skateboarder, and it was true. Because I failed to become good at skateboarding, I developed a hatred for the sport, and whenever someone called me a skateboarder, it reminded me of my failure and I got very angry. The whole school started calling me it just to anger me, along with other insulting names. They teased me because I was scared of girls, calling me names like "faggot”. People also liked to steal my belongings and run away in an attempt to get me to chase after them. And I did chase after them in a furious rage, but I was so little and weak that they thought it was comical. I hated everyone at that school so much.

It got to a point where I had to wait in a quiet corner for the hallways to clear before I could walk to class. I also took long routes around the school to avoid bullies. My parents began to consider not letting me continue there after Ninth Grade.

When winter break came, I felt like I had just landed on a peaceful island after swimming through a horrific storm. It was such a fine relief. The break was to last for three weeks, and I was sorely disappointed that two of them would be at father’s house, while only one was at mother’s. I hated being at father’s house because Soumaya became more and more suspicious of how much time I spent playing WoW, and she would place limits on my playtime whenever she caught me playing it. I wasn’t able to do my five-hour-long events to collect rare armor pieces for my character while I was at father’s house.

It was during this winter break that I experienced my first masturbation and ejaculation. It was one of the most peculiar and memorable experiences of my life.

At this point I was officially going through the stages of puberty, and I had lots of sexual urges. I often fantasized about hot naked girls while rubbing my penis against my mattress at night. One time, while doing this, I felt an intense stirring numbness all around my fully erect penis, and it extended all over my body. It felt magical and ecstatic, and I kept rubbing my penis on the mattress. That was when the orgasm happened. I couldn’t believe how much pleasure I felt from that. I looked down at my penis to see that my semen had poured out all over it, like a volcanic eruption of white, sticky fluid. What was happening to me? I thought to myself with nervous excitement. It was like nothing I had ever seen or experienced before, something completely out of my world. I felt really guilty afterwards, so I refrained from telling anyone about it.

Here the text takes the strangest bent. You wouldn't expect the author to be quite so open on the matter, or at least I wouldn't.

Is the theory here that a classical narcissist actually recorded, in writing, without a hint of shame, his first time jacking off, and then later emailed it to dozens of people ? He actually states the "guilt" he felt, as a livresque consideration, yet doesn't seem in any discernible sense to actually feel it ?!

The thought occured vaguely prior, but by now I am really suspicious : is this text authentic ? Because it could just as well be a moderately elaborate prank, on its own merits.

I started to masturbate on a regular basis. At first I only did it by rubbing my penis on my bed, but it eventually escalated to looking at pictures of girls online while rubbing my penis against my pants, fantasizing about doing sexual things with them. I didn’t know how to access any porn sites, so I would just browse regular websites until I found a picture of a hot girl to masturbate to.

I developed a very high sex drive, and it would always remain like this. This was the start of hell for me. Going through puberty utterly doomed my existence. It condemned me to live a life of suffering and unfulfilled desires. Even at that young age, I felt depressed because I wanted sex, yet I felt unworthy of it. I didn’t think I was ever going to experience sex in reality, and I was right. I never did. I was finally interested in girls, but there was no way I could ever get them. And so my starvation began.

The boys in my grade talked about sex a lot. Some of them even told me that they had sex with their girlfriends. This was the most devastating and traumatizing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Boys having sex at my age of Fourteen? I couldn’t fathom it. How is it that they were able to have such intimate and pleasurable experiences with girls while I could only fantasize about it?

Well, it's possible they didn't have level 60 Nightmoon Eldfruids. Or something.

I frequently started asking myself. This was an all-boys school... How in the hell were those boys even able to meet girls to have sex with? I wondered. I hoped they were lying. I hoped against all hope. Hearing that really shook me to the core. Words cannot describe how much hatred and envy I felt for those boys. That hatred would only fester the more I suffer from my sexual starvation. I was too scared to tell anyone about it, and I hid it well... for a time.

These recent events cause me to withdraw even further away from the world. I drowned all of my misery in my online games. World of Warcraft was the only thing I had left to live for. My grades at Crespi dropped dramatically. I just didn’t care anymore. I hated that school. I didn’t think about my future. The only thing I gave any serious thought to was my WoW character. I had become very powerful in the game, and I was in one of the best guilds. With this guild, I participated in lots of five-hour raid events to collect better gear and armor for my character.

Mother moved to a new house with a swimming pool that she was able to lease for a fair price. She picked me and my sister up from father’s house and took us there as a surprise. It was located near the old blue house, though in a nicer area. This was on a day that I had an event on WoW in the afternoon, and I was very concerned about whether or not I would make it in time, so when we got to the new house I didn’t even look around and immediately hooked up my laptop to play WOW. I was that obsessed.

After being bullied so much in Eighth and Ninth Grade, I became more shy and timid than I ever was in my life. I felt very small, weak, and above all, worthless. I cried by myself at school every day.

The very last day of Ninth Grade was the worst. I was having P.E. at the gym, and one of my obnoxious classmates named Jesse was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend. I defiantly told him that I didn’t believe him, so he played a voice recording of what sounded like him and his girlfriend having sex. I could hear a girl saying his name over and over again while she panted franticly. He grinned at me smugly. I felt so inferior to him, and I hated him. It was at that moment that I was called to the office. When I got there, my mother was waiting for me to take me home. I cried heavily as I told her about what happened earlier. That was the last day I ever set foot in Crespi Carmelite High School.

Crespi was finished. I thought I could finally relax. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come.

My parents shocked me with very horrible news. They were planning on sending me to Taft High School. Taft had five times as many students as Crespi, it was a public school, it had girls in it, and it had a bad reputation. I had never been so scared in my entire life. How could they do this to me, after knowing what I went through at Crespi? Taft High School would eat me alive and spit me out. I felt so betrayed by my parents.

On top of that, they told me I had to go to summer school at Taft very soon. I failed a few classes at Crespi and I had to make up for them. The summer was supposed to be a time of peace and relaxation. This was turning out to be the worst summer of my life.

He has to catch up to get to go to the school with a bad reputation ? In ninth fucking grade ? Kid evidently needs special ed.

That his parents didn't get it for him ; and more importantly that the school system even allowed them that nonsensical choice is pretty scandalous.

I went with my parents to the Taft Orientation event, and it was a horrific experience. I felt so dismayed at how large the school was, and how intimidating all of the tall students were. I even begged my parents to send me back to Crespi, because I knew Taft would be much worse.

I had a foul time at summer school. I remember how I used to hate it when my parents made me go to summer camp. Summer camp was like heaven compared to summer school at Taft. I got lost on the first day. I was so terrified that I hid in the hallways during break time. I spent my time at summer school gruelingly waiting to go home so I could feel safe playing WoW.

My 15th Birthday was in the midst of this summer school term. I was so miserable during this period that I didn’t even give much thought to it. It was so uneventful that I barely remember anything about it. I believe I just had dinner with my mother and played WoW afterwards.

15 Years Old

Toxic is the word that describes my first day of Tenth Grade at Taft High School. It was a toxic nightmare. Every single second of it was agony. I continued to beg my parents to not make me go, but it was to no avail. My father drove me there, and I didn’t want to get out of his car. He almost had to drag me out. I somehow found the will to put one foot in front of the other and walk towards that awful, ugly front building.

The first week of Taft was living hell. I was bullied several times, even though I didn’t know anyone there. After being so used to wearing a polo shirt with khaki pants as a school uniform at private schools, I continued to dress like that even after leaving Crespi. I didn’t give any thought to how nerdy I looked. I was too withdrawn, like a turtle tucked into his shell. I was still in the process of going through puberty at the time, so I still looked and sounded like a ten-year-old. Such a persona attracted zero attention from girls, of course, but it did attract bullies like moths to a flame.

I was completely and utterly alone. No one knew me or extended a hand to help me. I was an innocent, scared little boy trapped in a jungle full of malicious predators, and I was shown no mercy. Some boys randomly pushed me against the lockers as they walked past me in the hall.

It'd obviously have helped if he got out of the way. Of people.

A large part of the rather typically USian inability to cope is lack of any sort of training as to social inferiority. There are times when you take a step back and bow. For "scared little boys" that are "turtles" bla bla, that time is every time. And it IS the job of the parents to tell him this. Nobody said being a parent is easy - and the fact that you still have to tell your inferior boy that he is inferior and he has to act the part, like it or not, is way up there on the list of why being a parent isn't easy.

One boy who was tall and had blonde hair called me a ”loser”, right in front of his girlfriends. Yes, he had girls with him. Pretty girls. And they didn’t seem to mind that he was such an evil bastard. In fact, I bet they liked him for it. This is how girls are, and I was starting to realize it. This was what truly opened my eyes to how brutal the world is. The most meanest and depraved of men come out on top, and women flock to these men. Their evil acts are rewarded by women; while the good, decent men are laughed at. It is sick, twisted, and wrong in every way. I hated the girls even more than the bullies because of this. The sheer cruelty of the world around me was so intense that I will never recover from the mental scars. Any experience I ever had before never traumatized me as much as this.

Check it out, the "nice guy" poster child emerges! I had no idea.

I couldn’t do it anymore. On the morning before the second week of Taft started, I broke down and cried in front of my mother, begging her not to make me go to that horrible place. I was so scared that I felt physically sick. I continued crying in the car on the way there, and my mother gave in. Instead of taking me to school, we went to the café at Gelson’s in Calabasas where we had a big talk. I tried to explain how much I was suffering there. She just could not take me to school after that. When we were finished with Gelsons’s, she drove me to my father’s house and told him about what happened. They agreed to take me out of Taft.

I didn’t go to school for a month while my parents decided what to do with me. I took advantage of the time to rest and recover at home, playing my online games. The pain and suffering I had to endure at Taft was all over, but the scars would remain. I tried to forget about it as much as I could. I took a deep breath and relaxed.

The scars of being raped irl by some guy with his girlfriends. Check it out, the poster child of "revolutionary feminism" emerges. I had no idea!

After a month of recovery, my parents took me to look at two continuation high schools, which operate like home-schooling because you only spend three hours a day there and do the rest of the work at home. One of them was right next to El Camino High School, the other one was in Van Nuys. My parents preferred the one in Van Nuys because they felt it was more structured and organized. It was called Independence High School, and they decided to send me there.

Ah there we go, I take it back. They did take him to special ed after all.

Independence was a very small school with only three buildings and 100 students. The teachers were all very nice and understanding, and it had a relaxed and calm environment. I figured this was the best option for me.

A week later, I started going to Independence High School. I didn’t like any of the students there, as they were all slobs with the exception of two or three boys. This wasn’t a major concern, because I didn’t care about having a social life at the point. All I wanted to do was hide away from the cruel world by playing my online games, and Independence High School gave me the perfect opportunity to do just that. I only had to be at school for three or four hours per day, and all of the work was very easy with teachers available to help me with anything. After those short school hours, I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted, and I spent it playing World of Warcraft.

One drawback was that I had to take the bus to school because my parents couldn’t pick me up at such an early time of the day. Though it was embarrassing, I didn’t care about appearances anymore, so I didn’t make a big deal out of it.

This was the perfect set up for a World of Warcraft addict. After school, every day, I fully indulged myself in my addiction to WoW. My only social interaction was with my online friends and with James, who would occasionally come over to my house to play WoW with me.

My father’s career as a commercial director hadn’t been as successful as it was a couple years before. He foolishly decided to invest all of his money in his first feature film, a documentary named ”Oh My God”. In the film, he would interview various people about their opinions on religion and God.

Ok, this is pretty fucking stupid. But then again we hadn't that high hopes for the progenitor of such progeniture.

To make it, he took off to travel all over the world for a few months. Despite this, the one week-one week arrangement remained, and during father’s week I had to stay at father’s house with only Soumaya. This frustrated me tremendously, because Soumaya has always been a pain to live with, and she would obstruct my time on WOW. I was hopeful about father’s movie, however. He kept talking about how he will become very rich from it, and I fostered a hope that he would become rich. How naive I was... the movie would only bankrupt him in the future.^ix

On top of this, I had to deal with another change at father’s house that angered me to no end. I had to give up my lovely, huge, and luxurious downstairs room. It was all because baby Jazz got a new nanny. Once again, Jazz’s existence caused me to lose my room at father’s house. This time, father made my room into his new office. He split his old office into two bedrooms, in which I got one of them and the nanny got the other. My new room was much smaller, and it didn’t have its own bathroom. My downstairs room was the best part of being at father’s house, and it was all gone. I started to really hate going there.

Father came back shortly for the winter break, before taking off again. A new expansion for World of Warcraft, called the Burning Crusade, came out in the beginning of January. I was extremely excited for this expansion. It added many new features to the game, new areas to explore, and raised the level cap to 70. It was like a whole new WoW game. I asked my father to buy it for me as a Christmas present. I can still remember the intense anticipation I felt as I installed it onto my laptop.

I decided to transfer my WoW character to the same server as James, so that we could play together online and level up our characters in the new expansion. Through doing this, I met two of James’s friends from his school, who also played on his server. They were two brothers named Steve and Mark. Steve is our age, and Mark is a couple years older.

Me, James, Steve, and Mark would then always play together online as a group. I found them quite fun to play the game with, and it was nice to have some friends to play WoW with on a regular basis. Eventually, Steve and Mark decided to make new characters on a PvP server, which had play settings that were more to my liking. I chose to make a new character with them. I made a blood elf character that I leveled up very fast, and this became my main character in the game. James stayed on his old server for a while, but within a few weeks we persuaded him to join us on the new one.

I had heated conflicts with Soumaya during every week that I was at father’s house. All I wanted to do was play WoW, and Soumaya strictly limited my playtime. Because my new room was just across from hers, she knew what I was doing at every single second. She was breathing down my neck the whole time. She kept making me do chores around the house. I despised doing work around the house, especially since we had a nanny who was supposed to do it. If I made a scene about doing the work, she took away my laptop for a day or two. This was the most horrible thing she could do to me, to take away my only source of joy left in the world. She sometimes did it even when father was at home, and father didn’t lift a finger to stop her.

My first year at Independence high school came to an end very quickly. Nothing eventful really happened there, and I barely interacted with anyone. I would just go there for my required time, do my work, and go home. I was too absorbed in my game to care about anything else.

At father’s house, in the beginning of the summer, I was introduced to someone who I would hate for a very long time: Leo Bubenheim. Alex Bubenheim married a German woman named Karina who had just moved to the US with her two kids: Leo and Pollina, who became Alex’s step-children. They would then always come over as a family. Leo was 12 years old, and Pollina was a year younger than me. My fear of girls made me keep my distance from Pollina. She was a total bitch anyway, and her attitude would only get worse. She is a true representative of everything I hate about women.^x

When I first met Leo, I didn’t think much of him. He was only twelve years old. I just thought of him as Lukas’s new older brother. I had no inkling of how much I will envy and hate him later on.

Soon enough, my jealousy of Leo began to manifest. He had just moved to the US from Germany, and yet he was already able to make lots of friends and had a great social life. He was tall, good looking, blonde-haired, and a skateboarder; the type of person I’ve always envied and wanted to be.

Me, my father, and the Bubenheims all went on a camping trip to Big Bear. It was just the boys. We drove deep into the wilderness in my father’s big, formidable Lexus SUV. After setting up our tents, we built a nice fire to gather around and tell stories. It was quite fun, and it made for a small respite from my lonely life, though I had to suffer the presence of Leo and deal with my jealousy of him. One time during the trip, my father made me take Leo and Lukas out exploring. The three of us covered a lot of ground, and I tried to act tough in front of them by slashing my knife at any plant that got in our way.

The 4th of July of this year was the day I saved my little brother’s life from drowning. I went with my family to Antje and Gary Twinn’s house, as they always had a 4th of July party. The Bubenheims were there, including Leo and Pollina. So was Vincent Twinn, who had grown up quite fast. The last time I saw him, he was the little kid who looked up to me when I showed him all of my computer games. Now he was just becoming a teenager, with an interest in skateboarding.

The party was a pool party, and my brother Jazz had full exposure to the swimming pool. He had already learned how to walk, but he couldn’t swim. At one instance as I was eating lunch, I saw Jazz quickly run off from the adults, completely unattended. I then watched as he curiously examined the water, and then descended into steps of the shallow end of the pool. Before long, he lost his footing on the steps and his whole body sank into the water. Nobody noticed. He was going to drown, I thought with panic. I ran as fast as I could, plunging into the water with my clothes still on, and pulled him out. I asked him how he was doing, and he coughed up some water and told me he felt fine. The only person who saw this happen was a little girl who was swimming in the shallow end. I saved his life, and my brother remembers it to this very day. Every single second of my brother’s life, everything that happens to him in the future, will exist because I pulled him out of the water that day.

I celebrated my 16th Birthday at mother’s house. She bought me an Xbox 360, which had just been released. I didn’t play it yet though, because the only game I wanted for it was Halo 3, which was set to come out in November. I was really looking forward to that game. It was supposed to be the best Halo game of all time. After I blew out my candles, I remember going outside and sitting by my mother’s pool to contemplate my life. Sixteen... what an age to be. I still felt like I was twelve. Most teenagers will start driving at this age... I couldn’t even fathom myself driving. The thought of it scared me.

James came for a sleepover shortly after my birthday, and he helped me set up my Xbox 360. We played a round of Halo 2 to test it out. He didn’t bring his computer, because he had a desktop that was hard to transport, so I suggested that we go to Planet Cyber to play WoW together. Our parents dropped us off there and we had a good WoW session. It was nice to see that place again, to reminisce of happier times. I proposed, for nostalgia’s sake, that we walk home for the way back. My mother’s new house was three times the distance from Planet Cyber as her old blue house, but I really wanted to do it. On the way, we passed by that little blue house, and all of the memories came back. The two of us talked a lot, and shared some laughs. It was a very memorable night.

The two of us read a lot, and shared some laughs also. Every single second of the rest of your life, everything that happens to you in the future, will contain the experience of this murk today.

See you tomorrow!

1. Pity he never elaborates on the methodology. [↩]
2. Hey, there's qualifications for his social status. This being normalcy is one. [↩]
3. This guy's father has all the fiscal acumen of a grilled mollusc. From what we hear the hour at that hair salon/whatever went a dollar or two. From what we see the kid put in 50 hours a week or somesuch. That covers the cost of a computer three to five times in the coupla years this has been going on. Derp should have bought the kid a computer a year ago ; or else put some sort of limit on the activity. That is what parenting means. [↩]
4. Amusingly, I expect his case is by very far the typical. [↩]
5. Holy mother of Soviets, days ? To "process" it ? What the fuck is this, cheese ? [↩]
6. Motherfuck fuck, motherfuck fuck. [↩]
7. Which only adds to the indignity. Admit it, weren't you hoping for Condo Apartments at the very least ? No ? [↩]
8. NuTalentAgency does her. US style blondy. [↩]
9. Metascore 30, by Peter Rodger with Peter Rodger, Hugh Jackman, Ringo Starr, David Copperfield, Seal, Princess Michael of fucking Kent (of "Princess Michael was an interior designer before becoming an author" fame), Bob Geldof and a whole raft of moroccans. Production-coordinated by Soumaya Akaaboune. Honestly the whole deal looks very much like an African bride scam, but for the actuarialy inclined : ~1 1/4 mn budget, opening weekend (15-11-2009) gross 8.2k, 27-12-2009 weekend gross 412, total gross 38k. Tucker Max did significantly better (20mn / 1.4mn ie a 93% loss rather than 1.25mn / 38k ie a 97% loss.). "Gussi Films" has the rights, if you must.

   Oh, also :
   

   Princess Michael is the younger daughter of Baron Günther Hubertus von Reibnitz (Freiherr) by his wife Countess Maria-Anna-Carolina-Franziska-Walpurga-Bernadette, daughter of Count Friedrich Szapáry von Muraszombath, Széchysziget und Szapár, the Austro-Hungarian Ambassador to Saint Petersburg at the outbreak of World War I.

   And since we're doing this :
   

   Bob Geldof was frontman for the late '70s to mid '80s Irish punk rock band the Boomtown Rats. He also conceived and co-wrote Band Aid's tune "Do They Know It's Christmas?" with his friend, musician Midge Ure of Ultravox, which became the 1984 Christmas number one in the UK and the best-selling British pop single until that time.

   I really wish I was creative enough to make this shit up. [↩]

10. Chick grew up to be ~the same blondy as the other one. Hopefully she got implants meanwhile. [↩]