These fucktards have to be immortalised, they're worse than Dr. Foreskin even

If you're curious, this is Dr. Foreskin, so named for his uncanny ability to look just like an uncircumcised penis, standing up.

His real name is Greg Mulhauser, for what it's worth, not that anyone uses it anymore. His claim to fame is principally having pompously created a fund that equally pompously delivered a stunning 11% loss to the "investors" naive enough to invest with a perambulating uncircumcised penis, net of a very hefty 20% management fee or something like that, and then pompously derping at MPOE-PR, something along the lines of a virtual reality in which uncut cocks named Mulhauser are "experts" and "respectable" and the agent of the one force in Bitcoin somehow not.

Anyway, moving on : Garrett J. Keirns (CEO, Principal Securities Analyst) and Robert B. Kelly III (CIO, Fixed Income Analyst) are two underage muppets which have already made the comedy hour on #bitcoin-assets for their pompous pretense as "fund" managers (Surf Capital). Unlike the average blue collar retard community memberⁱ, these kids actually wash (even behind the ears!). Exactly like the average blue collar retard community member, these kids are retarded. Consider :

The Bitcoin Emerging Market Fund (BBBB) initiated a position in the Neo & Bee Payment Network (Havelock: NEOBEE) on 03/07 buying 18 shares. The fund will continue to increase this position in the near term. I love the tangibility of NEOBEE's assets. They have brick and mortar branches and will be providing vital financial services to an area that has traditionally been "under-banked." I must note, however, there is substantial political risk with this investment. We, as investors, do not know how the Cypriot government will act toward a new financial institution like this. This is especially true given the political turmoil occuring in Ukraine and the Crimea region.

~Surf Capital Management, March 13 2014

Leaving aside that Cyprus has relatively little to do with Crimea, and NewBie with anything whatsoever, the "tangibility" of those assets served them quite well : Havelolⁱⁱ delisted NEOBEE for unclear reasons, then re-listed it as NEOBEE-Derp, a derivative asset based on nothing at all. Consider this beauty :

Apr 05 00:32:55 mircea_popescu !t h neobeeq
Apr 05 00:32:57 assbot [HAVELOCK:NEOBEEQ] 1D: 0.00000001 / 7.937E-5 / 0.00020000 (93554 shares, 7.42521178 BTC), 7D: 0.00000001 / 7.937E-5 / 0.00020000 (93554 shares, 7.42521178 BTC), 30D: 0.00000001 / 0.00266159 / 0.00450000 (494965 shares, 1317.39453993 BTC)

From a peak of 450`000 to a bottom of 1, that's quite a jump for tangible assets consisting of "brick and mortar stores" (that never actually existed). So it turns out these two happy squirrels' due diligence failed to distinguish between a virtual company consisting solely out of one twentysomething dork and his passion for paying ratecard for advertising in obscure, worthless markets on one hand and "brick and mortar stores" on the other. That's some due diligence power right there - and before you pull the Dr. Foreskin outⁱⁱⁱ let me pre-emptively remind you that no, the one force in Bitcoin actually had the data, actually made the call, and even released it for public consumption March 15th.

But let's push this aside, mistakes can "happen", right ? Not necessarily indicative of malfunctioning brains. Okay. Now consider this :

Peer-to-peer lending is risky. We can mitigate fraud losses by our due diligence. BTCJam provides great analytics on borrower creditworthiness. We have found that BTC/USD linked loans have a far lower probability of default. The majority of the portfolio will comprise of these.

~Surf Capital Management, April 2 2014

The people that couldn't tell brick and mortar stores from a drawing of same in a newspaper did not stop to comment upon their shocking inability. They did not even stop to notice it^iv. Instead they are simply running ahead, going to use their due diligence powers to press a profit out of distinguishing between... BTCJam issuers. Because why not ?

Which BTCJam is an atrocious scam, buried by MPOE-PR^v in December 2012. So these kids are going to use their impressively broken brains to distinguish between what ? Dank and TomatoCage ? Good luck with that.

The moral of this story is, of course, that old problem #4 :

Problem 4 : Permeating all the foregoing and sufficiently so to become a problem in its own right is the incredible arrogance of the recently liberated corporate slavebois working as independent coders. Seriously, start working on the BTC securities trade system of the future without ever having worked for MPEx, without having humbly presented your inept ideas to the most grandiose master Mircea Popescu (ie, me), without anything like that ? O, why, because you’re a special little trainflake of brilliance and genius who can ? Really ?

Reality doesn’t work that way.

Seriously, kiddos (of all ages) : if a time ever existed when your pretending enacted reality, it's long past. Get with the program already.

1. Such as Robert Keith Cristopher, Jr ; Matt Sartain ; Kristian Thomson etc [↩]
2. Supposedly it's a Bitcoin securities exchange. [↩]
3. Claiming that your -25% annualized is "best in business" while simultaneously pretending not to notice that business consists of hundreds of thousands' BTC worth of S.MPOE and a few hundred BTC worth of other crap, out of which S.MPOE did fine and the rest of the crap did horribly horribly bad. [↩]
4. This inability to learn from experience even is most concerning. Some people learn from the written word. We call these people smart. Some people learn from their own direct experience. We call these people stupid. Some barn animals however do not learn at all, and we don't call these monkeys people. Because, fundamentally speaking, they aren't people. [↩]
5. Sez the girl :

   Quote from: Tulkas on December 21, 2012, 05:11:33 PM
   Unfortunately I was a little bit too optimistic on that 2 weeks forecast. We plan to use the personal information to collect the debts but we cannot simply hand it to lenders (as much as we sometimes want to do it).

   I've just updated the service numbers:

   loans: 312
   total payments: 1463
   payments late: 333
   fully repaid loans: 155

   We have a repayment rate of 77.23%

   This doesn't look like a "scammer heaven" at all.

   The listings are as good as the borrowers who make then, as far as censoring the "scammy" listings we are not sure about that.

   77% repayment rate IS scammer heaven.

   Quote from: MPOE-PR on December 08, 2012, 11:13:57 AM
   Let's do some math!

   Average loan duration 1 month, average repayment rate 77%, average interest rate 5% per month.

   January: start with 1000 BTC, get back 770 btc + 5% interest, for a total of 808.5 BTC
   February: start with 808.5 BTC, get back 622.545 btc + 5% interest, for a total of 653.67225 BTC
   March: start with 653.67225 BTC, get back 503.3276325 btc + 5% interest, for a total of 528.494014125 BTC
   April: start with 528.494014125 BTC, get back 427.28741042 btc + 5% interest, for a total of 448.651780941 BTC
   May: start with 448.651780941 BTC, get back 345.461871325 btc + 5% interest, for a total of 362.734964891 BTC
   June: start with 362.734964891 BTC, get back 279.305922966 btc + 5% interest, for a total of 293.271219114 BTC
   July: look at your 293.271219114 BTC which spells out a 70% realized loss over barely six months and think about what a retard you were.

   Once the GLBSE scam mothership is out of the way, Average Forum Idiot is desperately looking for some new ways to ensure his customary BTC losses. All the while telling himself that he's oh so great and "If you know what to look for you won't get one that defaults."

   Too stupid to live is the term of art.

   What planet are you from, seriously? 77% repayment means 23% loss, which works out to a staggering -95.7% API if your average contract is one month (if we use a closer-to-reality 3 weeks, it's -99% API). One Bitcoin "invested" on your scamplatform today will yield something on the order of 0.01 BTC on December 21, 2013, on average. Even miner bonds are better bang for the buck.

   Learn 2 math. Preferably before you purport to offer Bitcoin services. [↩]