Revolver & RocknRolla

Originally I thought there's little sadder in the world of cinema than the later career of Al Pacino, replete with atrocities like S1m0ne, The Recruit or Ocean's Thirteen.

I was wrong, obviously. On one hand even a senile dog gets the occasional bone (People I Know) and moreover, we'll always have Paris as the expression goes - in the shape of innumerable earlier hits. One can easily forget the post-2000 crapola Pacino put out on the grounds that between Frankie and Johnny, Heat, Sea of Love, Carlito's Way etcetera etcetera etcetera his career was well complete before that.

Not so with Guy Ritchie. Not so at all. Here we have a dorky kidⁱ with an accidental success in the style of Trainspottingⁱⁱ who then took that experience and produced a gem. Because Snatch is a gem, it kept and even empowered whatever was good in the earlier attempt, it removed or at least diminished whatever sucked. Still no Eros whatsoever, but then again what can you expect, twentysomething males are all virgins these days. At any rate it did seem like the man understands how to tell a story, and what a story is in the first place, and what filming means and is all about. I had great hopes for his future.

Instead, he choose to copy Tarantino's failureⁱⁱⁱ almost word-for-word. Animation in cinema, seriously ? Fuck you for even considering it.

So these two piles of shit... lordy where to even begin. There's no story whatsoever involved, nor any thinking expected or indeed allowed on the part of the viewer. Characters are introduced by lengthy expositions, then proceed to act exactly in contradiction to their supposed well established past. You have elderly real estate sharks that fall for the dopiest of scams^iv. You have crime bosses that spend their time nude in a roomsized UV solarium, trying to outsource their crimebossness. Seriously! Because that's how it works, you're going to hire some Mexican or whatever to shoot people for you, and then they're going to humbly take whatever bone you find adequate to throw them and exeunt so you can take the credit. Because this is corporate-style crimebossery nao (or moreover, because the virgin cocklets you're writing this crap for have no life experience outside of the roomsized UV solarium they call a cubical). You have the gracile accountant chick asking to be robbed and demanding a black eye. Because very many women that think nothing of having the delicate ossature of their own face smashed in become accountants. It's just what naturally attracts that type of woman. In Sarcasmia.

There really are no words to describe just how offensively stupid these things are other than to plainly state that they're about adequate for the intellectual powers and general abilities of monkeys born after 1990 or so. Because whatever you may think, no white woman has given birth to a human being in at least twenty years, it just isn't happening. They spit forth baboons, gorillas, chimps and all sorts of assorted reddit scum, but no people were born in the Western world this millenia, and at the rate it's going no people will ever be born in the Western world again.

It kinda sucks to not be able to as much as watch a film without being symphonically reminded of the universal and multilateral bankruptcy of your culture. Can we have a bloody war already, to help wash down this delicious burger ?

1. Have you seen his picture ? [↩]
2. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is exactly the same story : worthless cocklets who think the world of themselves getting obscenely lucky. The construction's also the same, except Peter Mullan's straight older male turns into Sting's equally bland straight older male, women and generally the erotic sentiment is equally absent and in general you'll be hard pressed to find any difference at all. Try. [↩]
3. Yeah, they were butt buddies. It shows, and to neither's benefit. [↩]
4. Teh stolen gift. Seriously. [↩]