In loving memory of Billy Mays : Ass. Or rather, crack.

So I've had an idea for a wonderful productⁱ. It'd be a soda fizzy type of drink flavoured to taste just like ass. Sorta like the energy drinks, but without any of the stuff they add to try and make them taste a little less like sweat fresh off a donkey's testicular teguments.

This would be called Ass (or alternatively, Crack!) and it would come - of course - in buttocks shaped containers, with the hole right there (straws and batteries not included). There'd be whiteboy Ass (or Crack!), there'd be nigger Ass (or Crack!), there'd be spic and span and asian. Ass. (Or Crack!) Maybe this could be taken a little further and have male shaped containers named Ass and female shaped containers named Crack!

They'd come in gallon, half gallon and (maybe) quart servings, which means they'd be illegal in New York, which means half of the damned things would sell in there, in the process displacing Tide as currency of the undermarket in that hellhole. All the hipster doofus kids would be more than trilled to be hip and doofy going "Hey! Let's grab Ass!" or "Anyone up for Crack?". Seriously, doesn't something like that sound all radical and cool and everything ? Snort snort.

It would cost fifty cents to the case to make, it'd go for ten dollars a pop without any trouble (at least until the next bout of Quantitative Easing) and sell half a million units before the year is out. And all this, for you, for free. From me. You can thank me later.

1. For the lame ducks that don't get the joke : Billy Mays was a pioneering Television spam guy, pushing such illuminated products as Awesome Auger (a gardening tool) ; Big City Slider Station (mini-burger cooker) ; The Ding King (a dent repairing device) ; DualSaw (circular saw with two blades) ; Engrave-it (a tool to engrave your name on any metal surface) ; EZ Bundler (a strapping tool that bundles objects together) ; EZ Crunch Bowl ("a new way to eat breakfast cereal") ; Flies Away (a fly trap) ; Gopher (a tool for grabbing out-of-reach objects) ; Grabit (a tool that removes screws easily) ; Grater Plater (a ceramic plate with grater teeth) ; Grip Wrench (a tool to help gripping) ; Hercules Hook (a hook for hanging objects on a wall - Seinfeld hung his puffy shirt on this) ; Impact Gel (a shoe insert) ; iTie (a necktie with a hidden pocket - pocket protector sold separately) ; Mighty Mendit (a bonding agent for mending cloth) ; Tool Band-it (a magnetic armband for holding hand tools) ; Turbo Tiger (a vacuum cleaner) ; Ultimate Chopper (a kitchen tool) ; Vidalia Slice Wizard (a...nother kitchen tool) ; WashMatik (a hose that could pump water from a bucket) ; What Odor? (an odor-removing fluid - no, not water) ; Zorbeez (a chamois cloth).

   They all sold well, proof that Americans really are stupid as a national trait. He died a few years ago, of "heart disease" while packed full of cocaine. For the record, when anyone mentions American culture I think of Billy Mays. [↩]