How Lord Lentil became a thing

I started playing this silly browser game a few days ago. Yet another Settlers clone (this time by EA). I ended up on a new-ish continent, I spent three euros or whatever it was for in-game currencyⁱ, I caught up with everyone within a couple of days or soⁱⁱ, got insta-invited into some alliance which so far seems to be the top dog and so on.

Then LordDral happened. LordDahl is this "useful" dork. They usually crowd on wikipedia (the special olympics for the mentally retarded) doing really important bureaucracies of great import and influenceⁱⁱⁱ. If not, you've probably met him at the office, he's that guy without a girlfriend or prospects that keeps sending "useful" all-office memos in spite of not having any sort of official capacity that'd allow it nor anything of any value to say.

Anyway, true to form LordDahl sent a mass message about how people should not make castles^iv in their first city because it is "dumb". Now granted, this is factually correct for most people, just like most kids shouldn't volunteer to join the Navy. It is, for most kids, a really dumb move. However, if literally everyone went on to business school instead, those numerous businesses protected by no army whatsoever would find themselves in quite the spot. So I sent him a response politely pointing out that on the contrary I intend to make a Castle, had a laugh at his expense with sane people^v in private and that was, I thought, that.

But not so soon! Behold the drama unfolding in the game forum!

Me :

My castle is located right next to CoCo^vi's first castle. I haven't yet sent any raids or scout parties, but intend to have it scouted tomorrow.

My castle contains 16 ballista towers. If you wish to help with defense you may send ballista supports. I will endeavour to keep the towers upgraded well above available defenses for a while.

Lord Lentil :

1st: I go with DRAGONFANGZ. First city castles are dumb.

2nd: I even sent out a mail to all that they SHOULDN'T castle their first city, i knew you were against it but you should've spoken with the leaders about it - it's about respect and trust.

3rd: No offence - but do you really expect us to send you ballistas this early in the game? You should of have put up Rang-towers instead.

It should be perhaps pointed out here that ballistae are advanced defensive units, indeed expensive but particularly efficient in a cost/defense value perspective. In fact you could say that their per-cost defensive effectiveness is roughly related by mentally comparing a ranger and a ballista. Or a slingshot and a cannon.

More importantly, rangers are vulnerable to cavalry, which is the highest damage troop in game and also the fastest. Now who in his right mind would construct his defences around something like that ? Lord Lentil, that's who!

Me :

Dhal - you are trying to be helpful in the wrong ways.

LL :

Hah!
Tell me how?

Being a reasonable person (something nobody gives me any credit for, by the way!) I figured that's good enough and let it be. The next day however,

Me :

Shared Report: 934A-FZNW-VPKU-3SPQ

Report showing me obliterating the other castle guy. I lost ~100k iron worth of troops and destroyed ~150k worth of enemy troops. As a bonus, I received 150k worth of refined raw materials (these are used in research) plus some straight loot, which we'll ignore. So this attack rendered me, as gold values, 38 * 2k (wood) + 38 * 2.5k (stone) + 38 * .75k (iron) + 38 * 1.5k (food) = ~250 k gold coins value, at a cost of ~750k gold coins to me. It also put me 64% of the way towards researching the next title, which I was able to complete that same day without even bothering to build a MoonGlow Tower (normally used to refine resources, which I didn't need to do).

I've since mopped up his remainder troops so now he has 0, and I keep looting his stores every single hour which probably means he'll quit, because what else can you do really ? Nevertheless, someone's butthurt.

LL :

It's a Rainbow castle even!

They're no threat to us. The threat would be the Spartans

Because logically, an alliance that doesn't even have cities on this continent, constructed out of one good player on another continent are "the threat". So hath established our brilliant strategist in his own mind, random Internet dork. The part where he's talking to an actual strategist notwithstanding, he knows better because things.

Me :

Well meanwhile I mashed him into the ground. They did have a 2nd castle pop up a little ways east.

Do the spartans have any castles ?

I like rubbing things in, what can I say.

LL :

His yet not mashed as he has res buildings probably. Mashed is when he's 7pt.

And as i said, they're no threat to us.
Spartan Brotherhood is, and i do think they have. They've got 70k+.

Well enough of that I say.

Me :

Ok, let's clear up some things here.

1. I don't care what you think about making castles and not making castles.
2. I don't care what you think about what "mashed" means.
3. I don't care what you think.

Come up with something useful, such as a scout report, I might care what you think. Come up with something useful, such as support ballistae, I might care what you think. Come up with something useful, such as iron, I might care what you think. Spurious grandstanding and assborn opining is neither useful nor particularly interesting.

Do you get the general limits on your behaviour this imposes or will we have to perpetually revisit these points because your mother hugged you too much or something ?

Ready for popcorn ? Here goes :

Pardon all viewers except for Mircea for me coming off blunt in this message.

1. You will care about what i say, as my status is Officer and i do not give out commands unless the leaders approves of it.
2. You WILL change your attitude, or you won't be with us for so long.
3. You will stop being such a egocentric punk, this is a alliance and we work as a team - not for ourselfs. If you wanna play solo then do it, don't drag us down in your shit.

If you'd compare us two - i'm the one coming up with useful stuff, such as learning the begginers how not to be a complete looser like yourself in the start. I'm coming up with usefull stuff, such as creating useful threads in the forum. I'm the one comming up with useful stuff, such as DO NOT CASTLE YOUR FIRST CITY - it's just plain dumb and really does show how much of a noob people are, like yourself. I do come up with usefull stuff, such as that you shouldn't build ballistae towers but Rang-towers if you want the support you're begging of us as ballistaes are expensive - not Rangs.

My oppinions comes from one who've won a crown, if everyone would be like you there'd be no chance of it.
I don't give a single fuck about you finding it interesting - it is how it is.
My behaviour compared to yours is mature, as i care more about the alliance then myself and helps out in any way i can instead of being such an egocentric pathetic punk like yourself who wants us to aid you instead of think of ourselfs.

Yes - my mom did hug me alot, she supports me in anyway she can and i'm quite independent. But i bet your mom never helped ya with anything, that's why you only think 'bout yourself since you want it all 'cause you never had anything.

Speak wisely, or you won't have such a great future within TSM.

So then, lettuce continue!

Me :

Mkay mr Commander Lord Lentil sir. See the post above, work through your issues, meet you on the other side.

Cue a lot more drama, obviously, the alliance leader trying to re-establish calm (which honestly I support) and a lot more butthurt. Because,

OP Lmao! You will care what he says! Drill sargeant Lentilbean!
ME He's one of these recent creations of Wikipedia, the passive aggressive "helper". Posting banal shit "to help people" out of a misguided hope that he'll end up with political power and social preeminence while being a loser. Because we're not allowed to bully losers and we're required to live as if in school our entire lives. So I honestly answered his inane bable, and answered it well. Which now makes him hate me. Because that's what you're supposed to do as a loser with aspirations of grandeur : hate the people who actually are grand when they go for their fucking position in this world. The best part of it all is where he imagines his thoughts on the matter are all secret and his own private endeavours. As if.

OP Nah, that's just how morons do it. Always have, probably always will, what do you care in the end? Though I absolutely understand what you're saying.
ME I don't care, but I am pointing it out!

And this is how Lord Lentil became a thing.

1. I don't think I've ever tried to play a game I even vaguely liked for free. Figure it out, if you make 100 bucks an hour and have issues paying a few dollars to the developers of a game you spend more than a few hours playing you've been hit in the head too many times. Seriously. Plus you're also the reason there's no nice games out there. [↩]
2. These two are probably unrelated, it's more that I can math than I can pay that does it I think. [↩]
3. Sample collected in the wild :
   

   Hi, if you are reading this you saw that I am helping out at the administrator's noticeboard, even though I am not an admin. I believe what I do is useful, and I will continue to do so unless/until an admin asks me to stop. I created the disclaimer after a user became frustrated that he had filed a report and a non-admin had responded. I think I was helpful in that case anyway, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I now often let people know as soon as I answer an ANI report that I am not an admin, especially if I believe the thread will eventually result in admin intervention.

   Yes, this is actually the begining paragraph of a luser's profile.
   [↩]

4. It's a PvP protection device, unless you built one you can't be attacked. [↩]
5. Sep 24 :

   OP For extra amusement if you didn't know, dhal is Hindi for lentil. So he's Lord Lentil.
   MP Hahaha

   [↩]

6. The other alliance on the continent with any sort of presence. They made their first castle right next to me which sort of precipitated military matters. [↩]