Clear signs that you're gay you don't even know about!

This article was originally published in Romanian as Semne clare ca esti gay despre care nici macar nu-ti dai seama! but I figure enquiring butts want to know. Besides I stumbled upon it half hour ago and it make me cackle so I guess it's at least as good as anything ever produced by comedians this decade.

I. If you're a virgin.

• I.1. You enjoy suckling clit and while at it you ponder how much it resembles a smaller cock.
  -> You're gay.
• I.2. Your favourite Romanian ruler is Vlad the Impaler.
  -> You're gay.
• I.3. Even if you've never considered before who'd be your favourite Romanian ruler, the name Vlad the Impaler gives you the shivers.
  -> You're gay.
• I.4. You enjoy doing stuff with your hands, like for instance beading a string.
  -> You're gay.
• I.5. You're fascinated by the way toothpaste, ketchup and other such come out of the tube.
  -> You're gay.
• I.6. If a woman is taking off her clothes you prefer her not to know you're watching. If she does know it's not quite as interesting.
  -> You're gay.
• I.7. When the other guys beat the shit out of a loser you don't feel like hitting him.
  -> You're gay.
• I.8. You're always hitting losers the hardest.
  -> You're gay.
• I.9. You know more girls than boys.
  -> Clearly you hang out with the girls because you secretly dream to be fucked by guys just like they are. Because you're gay.
• I.10. You know more boys than girls.
  -> Clearly you cultivate male company because you're gay and hope they'll fuck you.
• I.11. On some porn site you checked out the schlongs.
  -> You're gay.
• I.12. When you're using a public restroom you use Men's.
  -> That's because you're dreaming for some manmeat up your shithole. Real men visit Ladies'.
• I.13. You use solid deodorant in a tube, so there's something to grasp.
  -> You're gay. Wanna bet it fits up your ass ?
• I.14. You sometimes wake up with your mouth open and dry.
  -> You're gay.
• I.15. You've purchased more than two tampons, you've taken more than two steps holding a purse, you removed your own hair (anyplace on your body).
  -> You're gay. Clearly.
• I.16. You read idiotic Internet pages in the hope of finding if you're heterosexual or not.
  -> You're gay.
• I.17. Your girlfriend has a female friend you haven't fucked.
  -> You're gay.
• I.18. You actually believe there exist lezzies who aren't bisexual.
  -> You're gay.
• I.19. You've ever worn socks below the ankle, underwear that doesn't cover your buttocks, scarves or those dumbass handmade vintage bracelets.
  -> You're gay.
• I.20. You avoid stray dog packs.
  -> You're gay.
• I.21. You ever washed a toilet bowl.
  -> You're gay.
• I.22. You're shy and priss-awkward if you ever end up in a situation where you have to strip naked in public.
  -> You're gay.
• I.23. You go to nudist beaches with your male "friends".
  -> You're gay, and they're even gayer.
• I.24. You have an older brother.
  -> You're gay.
• I.25. Your phone holds ex's numbers although the break-up was more than three hours ago.
  -> You're gay.
• I.26. You know the names of your friends' girlfriends in spite of not fucking them.
  -> You're a total gaywad.
• I.27. You're still not fucking bored with this for fucks sake, I can't take it anymore.
  -> You're gay.
• I.28. You're into yoga whatever it's called, trying to not cum inside the woman (in the clearly psychanalizable hope that she'll cum inside you).
  -> You're gay.
• I.29. You go to church.
  -> You're either gay or an old woman with dirty feet and a military helmet on your head. Supplementary question : Do you have a military helmet ?
• I.30. You're under 16.
  -> All you underage cocksuckers are gay. That's why they had that law that up until their 18th birthday all children must wear skirts and underneath gauzy knickers with lacey legs.

II. If you're no longer a virgin, having been already deflowered.

• II.1. If you liked it :
  -> You're gay.
• II.2. If you're not sure you liked it :
  -> You're gay.
• II.3. If you didn't like it :
  -> You're gay. Your doubts about liking it are just a phase that will pass with time.

I hope I've been really helpful, faggots.